For months now I have been in a semi exclusion zone of disable-ness, hard for people to see or understand.

Only when I’ve been in hospital or in a wheelchair people could understand my trauma, or at least acting as if they did. Now after 2 weeks Physio therapy I am starting to feel more like me again! The combination with me driving again is full on brilliant!

When it comes to horses, I am beginning to feel a bit more switched on again. It’s true I have not yet come to a decision of what I want to do but I am getting clearer vibes. My energies are starting to sort themselves out.

So winter has arrived here in quite a fashion. Continuous rain for 5 days. Overflowing swimming pools, wet ponies and roof leaks. When it rains in Mallorca it’s got a determination to it. It RAINS! The other night we ordered a Chinese take away for dinner and when the food arrived it was pouring down like someone was emptying out bathtubs of water. The poor delivery boy was on a scooter. The food was delicious and how he even found us in the rain is beyond me. Finding us with hot delicious food really gave him some brownie points. I served him a piping hot coffee and let him stay until whoever was doing the bathtub emptying had grown tired of the wildness of the wet.

My life has started to speed up again. I am not spending any time on the sofa so I am not as updated on all news and sport as I have been in the last couple of months. I know that England have started out well in the Ashes. I know my horse Ayton won the big class in Aintree and other than that not so much. It’s not such a bad thing, not keeping updated. Life is full of surprises all of a sudden.

Today I decided to change my appearance. I have gone from blond to pink to blond to pink to blond and now I am… Well it’s winter now so I am a winter color! And I’ve had a very sharp haircut as well. Basically I allowed the hairdresser to do all decision making and I think it looks alright! I can’t recognize me so neither will you!

Now on my second last day of torture/Physio therapy and they are all amazed at my progress! I can almost straighten out my arm fully. And when Isa(real name)/Dolores(what I call her) is doing her probing I don’t actually mind too much. It has been a rough couple of weeks but now I am almost fully recovered!

My wonderful family have been such support! Although they are maybe not so nice to each other. Mel decided to give Millie a short boy haircut, not leaving a single curly lock for us to enjoy. She did it a day before the yearly school photo will be taken. I wouldn’t have minded so much if she could wear something girly, but for school photo they change all kids in to Happy Face uniforms… She will look like a very pretty boy.

It has happened before. Myrna cut of Mel’s luscious curls, but luckily that time it was 2 days AFTER an important event. Their christening.

Keep smiling 🙂 this activity has shown it clearer than many, you heal through pain and electric shocks!

We can see snow, in the mountains that is! Poor poor horses just clipped for the winter training.

Travel back from Sweden via Denmark and Austria to end up in Mallorca went well! I am put on mobility service around all the airports and thank god for that! I think average plane travelers must walk close to half marathons, just to get to their flight… If they have connecting flights good luck to them! I have never before seen what distances there are but I am amazed now that distance matters so much!

Another thing I have noticed on my travels is that anyone driving a wheelchair is prone to sing along. It really gets a little annoying after getting sung to by 6 different mobility care centre people. No one was in tune. No one sang a song I could sing along with and out of the 6, I would say only one was bearable to listen to. Ok I see where they come from, caring people that want to entertain their “patients”. Although the very opposite might happen. They should be taught this in care school as somewhere someone will pass out or die due to a carer singing falsely to a Rikki Martin song!

Also it’s clear a lot of care takers on airports clearly have not passed a driving test! The amounts of pillars just missed and steps grazed added a bit of excitement to my journey!

I’m back home now! It’s so wonderful! We were supposed to go camping this weekend! In the mountains… Well there is snow up there now! So camping will be slightly changed and we are country buffing it instead… We will BBQ and grill marsh mallows and by the end of it we might put up a tent or two in the garden. Well it’s as close to camping as I think this weather allows!

I am yet again finding me in Physio. Today they really went for it with massaging and stretching. I think someone might have read this and return the favor by torturing me now! Never mind a bit of torture will only make me stronger! Then after the pulling on the joints they put me in the magnet pipe and give me some more shocks. I will become super woman after this! I wonder what my kryptonite will be?

One more week of Physio and then I will need the green light from my doctor to start back riding. I am now slightly getting past The Crash Reel experience. I almost emailed Kevin Pearce to tell him what bother the movie had made for me. Then half of me goes back in to blank mode. The mode where I feel rather excluded from my life. Now the pain from electric shocks are bringing me back to life. And any thoughts of emailing a poor ex snowboarder slowly leaves me.

Keep Smiling 🙂 there will be small wonders to discover and learn from, even in the smallest space!

My life has become a series. I follow it rather than actually live it. I feel somewhat removed from what should be my actual life. It’s like I am no longer taking part in this difficult and hateful journey.

It’s a blessing you might say. To feel removed from all the ache and troubles. Somehow to not feel responsible for all that has happened. A mere bystander and a passer by, rubbernecking the hell out of my life…. or so called life.

I had heard about the documentary The Crash Reel. Superstar snowboarder Kevin Pearce’s accident that forced him to stop competing 2010. He crashed in a half pipe practicing new tricks, otherwise his injuries were very similar to mine. The TBI was almost in the same place. He was in hospital a month longer than me. But I felt he and I had gone through a very similar thing. I was looking forward to see how he was getting back snowboarding as I felt his passion was as strong as mine.

The short clips before the documentary was shown clearly showed how determined he was and how quickly he should be back on the slopes… or so I thought.

It turned out that everybody in his family wanted him to stop skiing. This documentary was not a glowing beam showing sport people that have suffered TBI that you can make a comeback after even a serious fall like that. It was instead a stop sign. Trying to level and remove any bit of hope that one might have to come back in the sport one day.

I watched it to find some inspiration in my half lived life and it left me feeling totally lost. Since then I have disconnected with Life Of Me.

At the moment I find myself in Sweden. In the next couple of days I will see the horses I have here and also watch the final of the VW Grand Prix in Flyinge. I will have these days to ponder and just give myself some time to think about what is important.

Most of you I guess a mere 97.5-98% of you would probably put me at quitting the horses. I can tell you this is possibly the one thing my family agrees on. Although the accidents, both of them were, even though horses were involved, not your average horse accidents.

I could of course keep on defending the sport and the animals involved. I would love to know what made the first accident happen but I am not someone who dwells on the past. What has happened has happened. There is no way of un-happening it, but I would sure like to know why the first accident happened. I don’t think it would be a great decider on my final decision of where or when to re-kindle (?) my life.

I do not want you worriers out there worry that I am depressed. I am far from it. I am more focused now than I have been for some time.

Keep Smiling 😉 life sometimes throws you a curved ball, an annoying fly that won’t stop bothering your horse or a half pipe not cut out for you. Now is the time to figure out what to do with it.

Well Amy Winehouse wrote a song about it and here I am.

Ok for a totally different reason to Amy, but anyway. I can sort of feel what she felt as this rehab business is totally average.

I get put into a magnetic tube, I have electro magnetic wires shocking my elbow and knee and although it’s not overly painful, there are thousand things I’d rather do than this.

Bandages and cast was all permanently removed on Monday! The urge to scratch was beyond me. And how heavenly to feel! Even though some of the feelings involve pain, I so much prefer it to the senseless half that used to fill my left side!

I am now at rehab and I thought it would involve someone actually touching me (all in appropriate ways) there is nothing further from this treatment! They have not. Vassessed ability to move, stretch reach, strength. It’s as far away from the neuro rehab I had in Switzerland. Basically you need to bring something to do to not get bored to death!

The first days without plaster have been quite strange. The freedom of being able to move and without anything restricting my movement. On the other hand, not actually being able to move because my muscles have tied up after 6 weeks constraint. So that’s why I’m here I guess.

I have 10 days of this and then I am declared… Free I guess?

At least I can now teach without plasters I can move around arena and change poles (a little bit) and basically pester my clients a little bit more! They love it!

Something has happened to my memory! I don’t actually mind, it’s almost a bit of a blessing. I can now for the first time in my life see a program on TV that I have already seen, and not remember the plot! It’s great when you run out of things to watch. Both NCIS Los Angeles and Blue Bloods are finding their way back.

Now I am being shocked by electric current. I am not sure what it should do to me. It’s unpleasant and boring. As I have now been told off for using my phone. I can use the phone on an off-air mode. Flight mode, ah well for next time I’ll remember and bring some headphones and video. Might even borrow Dans iPad!

The last 6 weeks have been ok. Even though sitting on sofa really doesn’t suit me. It’s only been the last two weeks where I have pitied myself a little. I try not to let it show. But my choice of food betrays me! Now on a diet I never though I would have. I only have 3 meals/day the snacking could only be good if you do any kind of exercise, my walking up a set of stairs 4 times in a whole day hardly can be seen as exercise!

I try and cook all food. Not using any sauces or pre cooked things to know I only eat what my body thinks is ok.

Next week I am going to Sweden to see two of my horses! It will be such fun to see them both for the first time! So if you are in the south of Sweden you could come to Flyinge and watch some horses jumping on Tuesday and Wednesday (12-13/11)

Keep smiling 🙂 even when you are all wired up and given electric shocks, it’s only for a designated time!

We made it through Halloween. I did the €2.99 outfit and used mostly ripped sheets dyed in black tea and dressed self as mummy. I managed to scare not only my own children but also neighbors, random people I passed whilst getting to party at school, and most people at party. Halloween 2013 = success! I guess I could use the last years struggles and put it into my suffering mummy. She felt real, between the socializing and jolly mummy, was the vindictive, soulless mummy that lied within me, let loose. Maybe she was too easy to reach?

The tradition of Halloween here in Mallorca is a good one. It’s not that each and every person gets into it, but there are plenty of creative contributors for having a gory fest!

I will try to upload some creations.

My tiredness has returned with a vengeance. It started a day I was supposed to lunch with girlfriends at a lovely seaside restaurant.

I was dropped off about 500m from the restaurant and walked there arriving 5min early. The 500m walk totally drained me. I started feeling really light headed and almost fainting. After 30 min legs up lying on a small sofa I felt safe enough to sit through the lunch but not really regaining my full energy. It’s strange how my energy just leaves. Without warning. For no reason.

Since the restaurant incident it has happened 3 more times. I am beginning to feel there should be an explanation. A reason for the energy just to leave as quickly as it leaves. And I also think whatever makes my energy leave now also happened before the first accident.

My mother is sure it’s my blood sugar, but it has happened after I have eaten lunch. Like today. At a children’s party. After lunch and snacks plus a small piece of cake I got the light headed ness once more. I managed to get round until the finish due to quite sneeky tricks played on my part. Letting my kids run ahead and cutting lines where I could, not walking a meter longer than I had to.

I have been home for close to 2 hours now and I have managed to sit on the sofa. Only moving thumb to write this and arm to pick up cup of tea in front if me. And finally I can feel some energy returning. Slowly but surely.

In another 4 days all my casts of my left side will be taken off! There will be another X-ray and then the doctor will decide what will happen.

Keep Smiling 🙂 every day you finish, you are getting closer!

I am trying to focus. Have a clear head towards the last 9 days with my whole left hand side in a cast.

It’s been relatively easy so far. Blocking out bad thoughts and feeding mind and soul with General iTunes list materials as well as tutorials on the YouTube. It was ok, until I was told on Monday I will have my plaster on for another 2 weeks. Then X-ray again.

All of a sudden, all will to stay still and watch things disappeared. I had the need to move. To go outside. To be something other than a decorative half mummy (the dead plastered variety) stuck sofa bound.

The need to move happened at the same time as Dan had a super full schedule and Elena had gone back to England for a full week. So my need to move could not have happened at more inconvenient time. As luck have it, somehow I have managed to break my 3d set of leg plaster. This made it possible for me to slightly bend my left leg. Enough for me to get the broken “straight plastered” leg in to the car. Next to the pedals on the steering side. This made it possible for me to drive!

Alright, it might not have been my finest hour. I might have broken a few laws. But after over a year of home bound imprisonment, it made me feel again. And not just psychologically but actually physically feel again. The un used flat frontal lobe of my right brain all of a sudden felt it had use again! It felt for the first time in 12 months and 3 weeks it was alive and with it came a sensation. Now, not only could I feel touch and heat sensations on my left arm but also excruciating pain. Throbbing from my left elbow. Funnily enough every time I mention the pain to anyone, they congratulate me. It’s a weird kind of mixed feeling.

I am obviously thrilled to feel something on my left side again. Just not too happy that it’s so painful. It would be nice just to feel nice things. The wind tickling my hair, water pouring over my palm, sun touching my skin, ah well I have got all that to look forward to!

I have yet to see a doctor and ask him about this newfound pain, let’s hope it’s nothing serious. 9 days and 3 hours left in this plaster… But who is counting?

Keep Smiling 🙂 sometimes we can free ourselves from the prisons we build.

There are things that make you stop and take think over for a minute how lucky you are. There are things that make up drop your face and in an outraged manner show your disgust with whatever one person has been through. And there is the ridiculous story of me.

There is no other way to describe it. I feel fortunate that I am still here to tell my ridiculous tale, on the other hand I now worry that my tales have become more than people are willing to cope with. I was toying with the idea of book writing, script writing, a selection of poems maybe… But I have come to the conclusion. There is no one on this planet that would accept what I have been through and believe the story in telling. It’s too much.

People might add that my accidents although unrelated in a way were both caused by horses. And therefore I am stupid to continue my quest that in most non-horsey person eyes are suicidal, self-absorbed, crazy and lack any kind of intelligence. On the other hand the two accidents I can now refer to are both so different and they were not “general” horse related accidents. They were both freak accidents. I don’t think I could ever have either of the accidents again, but of course, since it’s me we are talking about, anything can happen.

In my plastered leg and arm I have been to the hospital this morning. Not for anything related to my breaks, no, this time I came to my neuro doctor for the last/latest verdict of brain my power. I had an EEC last week and she was going to tell me the results! It’s been a year and almost 3 weeks since my accident, and she confirmed that my brain was… In full working order! She even did a memory test which proved I was not low in the memory department either! This means clean bill of health for brain=allowed to drive a car! Sadly now my leg is still in a cast, I won’t be able to drive but at least now I know! I am allowed to have a life back! Freedom although not just around the corner, is getting closer for real!

So how do I answer people who would like to ask me about the accidents. I have starting referring them to my blog. Although it feels a bit strange at first, it takes away the boredom of getting people judging my life face to face. If they think I’m an idiot I’d rather not see what they are thinking.

Keep smiling:) today is a day full of little wonders!

Seriously stuck on sofa in front of either a program on tv or an information on different subjects to learn new things on YouTube!

I can now solder! Honestly, I have leant a whole bunch of techniques of how to solder different metals. At least I now know the how to, I just need 2 hands to prove I can do it physically.

There is one thing above most others that I hate saying, it’s “I can’t”. I now find myself several times a day having the “I can’t”s on their way out of my mouth! It’s by far the most de-nerving experience! I’m most definitely bad at accepting defeat. It’s not really any of my finest character skills along with patience, chill out, slowing down… Ah well there are many of my traits that still need to improve, a lot. I am working on it, now I have to spend so much time in my own presence I have to better the old me.

People have asked me if the sofa and sitting still is not driving me insane or if I don’t get bored senseless but in all honesty, I don’t at all ever get bored of being me! Life only gets as good as you make it, if you learn to like who you are and accept the situation you might be in you get further. And no I’ll go a bit further don’t just accept but appreciate where you are just now. That’s how I get by a day after another. Even a day like today where my family are away and I am in the house mostly by myself I appreciate the quiet, that I can listen to my music and watch whatever I want on the tv!

There has been excellent HOYS (horse of the year) action on SKY sports 4!!! I was supposed to be there this week, but as flying with broken leg means you have to pay for 3 seats as well as I am not too sure of how I would make my way around HOYS as I can’t drive a wheelchair and it would end up in a whole lot of hopping and not so much relaxation. So me and my tv are on it and I get to see most action. Let’s hope tonight will show Unorthodox Blue (Jerry) my pony jumping in the Foxhunter final today.

Today I was back teaching for the second time since accident! I sit on a chair outside arena with my leg up. Today I did 5 lessons straight after each other! It was awesome. I clearly had the best “pick nick” packed and was ready for my students! We had only one incident that required a bit of on ground intervention, but as Elena was there I could stay in my seat!

I now go back hospital every 2-3 days to change my plaster as the war wound on my arm looks very medieval. I will only have the plaster on until the 21st. Then they will X-ray again and we will know more.

Keep Smiling 🙂 slow down and enjoy right now! Remember to be the best person you can as you in the end have to endure your own company forever.

Today it’s 1 year since the faithful 3d October 2012 or 1 week since the accident that broke half of me.

Reflections on the passed time is a battle for me. Partly because of my newfound loss of memory… And partly because my aim is always forward striding.

I was hoping the 3d of October 2013 would be an opening as a new beginning for me and the family.

I quit the anti epileptic drugs yesterday. So technically I should be able to drink alcohol and by Saturday I should be able legally to drive a car.

I have never been a huge alcohol drinker, and as for car driving, I don’t think it’s possible with a leg in a full straight cast and 1 arm in a full bent cast.

The memory loss thing is a worry. It’s not only that I have lost 2 years of memories, but on a daily basis I struggle to remember names of places and persons. If someone stops me mid-conversation I lose the plot instantly, and it doesn’t come back to my unless someone else remembers first.

So a full week has been spent on the sofa in our living room. The longest distance I gave travelled daily is to the loo and through the back doors to the patio, to breathe real outdoors air.

This morning though I challenged some steps for the first time! It went ok!!!! I survived all 5 steps into our kitchen and 5 steps back to the living room! That was like a small outing for me!!! The beams in the kitchen smiling at me as I descended! The taps all shining in recognition of me! Then I realized it didn’t really matter I could get down there as I still couldn’t prepare any food as you need 1 hand to carry something and my only available hand was in control of the crutch. Letting go of the crutch ment no more journeys into far away kitchen land, or anywhere at all.

In short what has the last year made me realize about life? Probably that it’s short and we should cherish what we have right now more often.

What has the last week made me realize? For sure never take anything for granted and also the only one you ever need to be able to live with is yourself.

Everybody’s first question to me is how are you? Or how do you feel? Honestly? I guess it’s the polite way but it’s almost an invite for sad or bad thoughts to get vented. I decided day one on my sofa that this mission of sofa laying would not bring my spirit down. I rose above it. And I admit I don’t spend to much time questioning why? Because how would it bring me forward? I instead ignore now and focus solely on what will happen.

I guess it’s a crazy foolishness I surround myself with. But what do I know? At the moment I am really happy. I accept where I am and I am still thankful that I am here.

Watching a whole lot of TV has helped my days go faster and excellent visits from excellent friends bringing a whole lot of even more excellent treats!!

I will promote Ziva and La Coqueria in Santa Catalina where a lot of my raw food/great food treats come from!

I still live in the knowledge of this year being cursed. And I choose to ignore it. Can’t wait for 2014 so I am already planning our new years party!

Keep smiling 🙂 explore your world and taste new things! You might love it!

I thought I haven’t spent enough time on our sofa in the last year so if just give it a little loving so he knows how draw he is!

Alright, I’m not going to lie. This is another tough passage in my “healing after head injury trauma blog”. Maybe I should rename the blog to something along the lines of “traumatic trauma blog for the clinically traumatized” or how about “1 year of being in hospital more times than I have been out seeing my friends”?

Of course I could bore you all by saying how sick and tired I am by being sick (I am not tired anymore!) but I’d rather fill you with my very own half insightful thoughts. Everybody have been very supportive and I have more DVDs here than I actually think I’ll be able to watch. There is an ongoing line of questioning “why does it always happen to you?” So I have been thinking about that.

I do not believe I conduct myself in a dangerous manner around what I do. Maybe it could be related to how much I manage to get out of a day. (Normally, not now!)

On an average day or even working hour I mange to do twice or three times the average of anyone else I know. Of course the initial head injury made me slow down because of factual physical limitations. But as I adopted my theories and changed the way to work to fit my new slightly modified left side power and stability, my natural speed started to return again.

Just think about this. If you had 48hrs in a day and you cramped everything in that you normally do in 2 days then shrink it back to your normal 24hrs but keep all your activities in there. That’s where I am normally. That’s where I belong naturally.

So the accidents that I get surrounded by could partly be due to the speed I do things in.

I had a great comment from a friend saying “If it wasn’t for bad luck, you wouldn’t have any luck at all!”. At least in this parallel universe I am still around to tell my story. But it breaks my heart knowing how far I had come back to my old self before this latest catastrophy.

My fear now is the return of Parkinsonism because of limited moving around. It was only after I had started riding again the tremors stopped. And after finishing on the dopamine that I had enough syrcronization to start to run again. Therefore I am already on the lookout for any method where I can exercise my right hand side without disturbing my left now broken and bruised side. Try to google for some and there just aren’t any…

After the doctor said I had broken my elbow and a bone in my knee I have had a trial of googling human skeleton to find out what bones they could be.

In the knee it looks like it could be the top of my fibula (the thinner of the two bones going through your lower leg). In the elbow it seams to be the radial head. But other lovely friends of mine has offered to look at ex rays and come back to me with suggestions and advise.

A lot of you ask if I’m in a lot of pain, and thankfully, not too much. Only when I move. So lying on a sofa at the moment makes sense, although I’m always looking forward, so any tips for keeping “active” whilst in plaster all left side would be very appreciated!

Keep smiling 🙂 Even when you feel you can’t it’s still better than frowning!