For many this is the time of the year! Festivities, family gatherings, food, spirituality! You can go as far as you’d like getting into the Christmas flow, I get tired just thinking about it all!

The tiredness is unfortunately the number one thing that makes me feel not 100%. I had my Herceptin injunction last week on Wednesday and it in combination with my insomnia has really set the standard for space faced living… Sounds like fun? Basically imagine this: you feel ok enough to do something simple. But in a heartbeat all your energy is drained from you, making it hard even to stand up. Driving is out of the question, riding also… But it does get better. After 5 days now and I was back to being more or less me, after 7 days back on high speed full on living.

Even though I have the beautiful capability of waking up close to 2am every morning and often can’t manage to fall back to sleep, I still manage to be more or less fine all day! I’ve been by my lonesome since Monday and I’ve managed really well coping with the challenge of 3 children’s separate play and sports schedules even though I mostly only get 3-5 hours of sleep/night.

My week in so far:

Monday: Busy day at stable and school. Sleep 22-1:45 and 3-5:45

Tuesday: Girls play tennis. Sleep 22:30-2:04 

Wednesday: Christmas party at stable! Girls parties after school, 3 separate venues… Sleep 23-3:15 

Thursday: Busy day, dentist, accountant year end duties.. Sleep 22:30-1:30 and 3-5.03 then I heard the biggest bang from the house that could either be a burglary going slightly wrong or my children. Was joined in bed by burglar number 1 around 5:43 and number 2 at 6:07. Number 3 stayed in bed until 6:15 so when my alarm  that was set to wake us up we were already downstairs having breakfast.

Insomnia can be a bit of a drag sometimes, but if you can read you can get lots of things read

Keep smiling 🙂 Never curse the fact you are waking up early, remember you are STILL waking up! 

Please someone inform this body of mine at the tender hours say from midnight until six one should sleep. This is the core for any recuperation especially for someone recovering from various ailments.

The wolf hours are so mean. In a normal hour when you think about anything, there  is reason and you can easily weigh up and compare different solutions for projects. In the wee hours of wolf there is just black and white. Doubt and distress. I’m naturally such a positive spirit and I have never really been “awake-er ” at this time in morning until now, but after a few weeks of natural 2:30am awakeness even I have begun to wonder.

In the hours of wolf, your mind plays trickery on you. Wilting away my natural resources of mind over matter. It’s strange, especially as lying here now I know for a fact that none of the things that bother me now will not bother me tomorrow morning. 

Actually I’m doing really great normally from normal morning until about 6:30pm then I feel these awaking hours. I go to bed roughly at the same time as the girls so atleast it gives me a 3-4 hours solid sleep before wolf… I think that’s how I’m still able to do so much. 

I have been known to have a strong will and sometimes a “temper” but I’m not especially proud of my swearing in front of kids and have donated €15 to the swear-pot. We have decided to do something fun with the money of said swear pot so it looks like it will be something really fun if this no sleeping palaver continuous…

It should be 10 cents per swear word so we are talking easily €1000 by the end of next week…

Keep smiling 🙂 at least writing about it makes you worry less about other things! Although the worries about lost words continues… I’m sure I am losing not only Swedish but also English words, Alzheimer’s light…

My lovely 4 legged friends. The ones I have been told not to get back on before 29/11 I managed to stay off them until 30/11! But I’ve been back riding since Monday and other than a very sore bottom and other muscles in my body that are somewhat surprised by the sudden onslaught of high intensity excersise, I feel whole again!

I am surrounded by people worrying about me overdoing it again and I am just making sure I do everything as right as I can. Monday and Tuesday I rode 3 horses and today I rode 4. Dan asked me -Do you think the doctors meant that when they told you that you could start riding again you should get on as many as you could as soon as possible? My answer was just a look I think…

I feel fine. Other than I actually don’t have much feeling over Bella and my belly. I feel fine enough to make lazy vacation mode horses realize their mum is back and it’s time for action! I think the poor horses have had a few wake up days! Looking forward to see what else we can do tomorrow!

On top of the riding I have become a member of a gym! It’s great to do other excersise as well, and hopefully I’ll be fit very soon! Even though I’m in bed most nights before or around 9pm, I still tend to wake up around 2:30 am. The last two nights I haven’t been able to go back to sleep. This morning was the worst. A nightmare turned into actual doubting. Then not far off that was the opening of distant possibilities of more negativity. Those thoughts should be banned. Especially at that time of night…

Although somehow through it all I always manage to stay grounded, my feet firmly on floor. Luckily I was born with slightly flat duck like feet, so they are good to balance on!

Keep smiling 🙂 tomorrow comes quicker than you think!