Eye distress

Eye infection

Eye infection

Good morning world.

Or should i say-” I can’t see you!”? This getting better is not really going my way any more. Apart from catching every considerable virus that goes around, it then goes to become the most vicious decease possible.

In June…. A small throat virus, normally probably cured with a Strepsils sucking tablet, for me it led to 42degrees fever and hospitalisation for close to a week.

In July, conjunctivitis entered our world through our smallest daughter. Washing hands, disinfecting, drops… the works…

In August conjunctivitis has travelled through the entire family in different grades and what do you know? I only have it more than doubly as fierce as anyone else.

Saw a doctor yesterday. She honestly didn’t seam to happy to see a virus so over the top… A well… She better get used to seeing it around me. Whatever little virus does to normal mortals they truly send in the troops when  they come for little pink haired me. A well, a membrane was removed of my right eyelid and she was worried it was possible for me to develop an eye ulcer… A well Elena (my groom) quickly made the connection and called me “Jolly”. That is the horse I had to put down when I was in hospital due to her going blind after operating both her eyes for eye ulcers.

Elena is not on my christmas list… well more so off it after the doctor asked me if she was my daughter. She is 8 years younger than me in real life… And on recalling my head age of 17years and hers of 21years… she is actually 4 years my senior! Well what can I say? That hurt! Honestly, after the doctor had asked that I should have removed myself from her office and asked for another doctor! That way I could have maybe gotten a bit better today, or at least able to open my eyes. Now they are like little breathing mussel shells… closing, closing, closing.

On a brighter note. Before I had this vicious eye infection it all started to feel more like a life again! I was back riding and helping a friend breaking a horse as well. Well to begin with I did it as a double favour to 2 friends. One who had a 7 year old horse that so many people had tried to break for her and one after another had failed because of random things. The other friend I thought I was helping was one who has a son coming back for a summer holiday. I thought that involving him in breaking this horse would fulfil his vacation and keep him out of trouble but boy I do not get 17 year olds… After 4 early mornings where he brought his younger siblings along he just stopped coming. And I was not going to be the next in line failure of breaking said horse. So me and the friend the owner have finished the job in a mere 2 weeks!

That has given me such pride in being me again!

My tourette’s syndrome and antisocial behaviour has kept on as strong as before. The only difference is I now embrace it. How can you always go on tip toes afraid of what you will say and how it will be considered by the people that hear you? I now know who is strong enough to hear my honesty and I instead avoid completely the friends I know i could upset with my straightforwardness. So far it seams to work! It does not make for happy chit chat but at least I know I won’t upset people with my anti-socialness.

I wanted to post a picture of my sore eyes here. Or should i say sore eye? As i still have very little feeling on my left side its actually only my right eye that hurts! Hourrah! I knew it would come in handy one day!

So I am looking for exercises I can do without seeing anything? Swimming is out of question. Walking up and down stairs has been fun, but also a bit “edge” sport as i can’t tell where the stairs end. I would also be grateful for any muscle toning for stomach area as my left side paralysis kind of makes normal stomach crunches a thing way off the past.

Keep Smiling 🙂 I am keeping a positive vibe until my tourette’s kicks in but hey ho, if you can’t laugh about it or yourself you should have a long deep inner conversation with yourself! And there if like me you find an unsoiled 17 year old with hopes and dreams, smile and keep smiling!

Starting over

I have become a serious believer of fresh starts!

It has become what I need in my life as my short term memory keeps fusing out. The only problem is, if I ever mention this to anyone their direct response is almost always, “yes that happens to me all the time!” Well I wasn’t asking, but thanks for sharing anyway! And inside me brews a glow of inner pettiness… I ask myself: are they all idiots? Clearly I am different on so many levels to so many people that nobody can understand me.

We went to England this week. A seriously short 36 hrs break!

We had a meeting arranged with a new neurologist that my husband had very kindly arranged for me.

He had researched everyone we knew that has had TBI or any other neurological problems. He then contacted James Cracknell through a friend of ours and the appointment was with James neurologist Mike Barnes.

We flew in on Wednesday afternoon. Managed to book a haircut with my English hairdresser and then we went to have dinner with some of our Warwick buddies! It was awesome and I almost behaved! At least I think I did! Have not heard anything contrary to that

I do not want pity. I would take any push, encouragement or kind word. But I am just not in to being felt sorry for!

Living on a small island can have its advantages. It’s close to get everywhere. People recognize you fairly quickly if you hang around the same places. It can also have its disadvantages. See the two above! I guess the main one is with a small island in combination with the aggressiveness of me with TBI, is I’m apparently no fun to be around any more. I have started to feel the exclusion from friends lunches, dinner parties and get togethers. I’m not a huge fan of it to start with so for me it was almost a blessing in disguise not to be considered for social stuff any more, until today.

I must have really surpassed myself on being socially unacceptable. On all accounts. Today I have tried to arrange things for tomorrow, riding lessons, competitions. It’s fun because I can use my skills as a teacher again. It has all worked really well, but now trying to get even a simple answer for organizing riding lessons at a weekend is unbelievably hard. I just don’t know. Is it their inability to choose and decide or is it just me?

I have been helping a friend with breaking her horse. It’s been a brilliant distraction! The horse was “unbreakable”(others words not mine) and what had failed a previous breaker to do in 8 months, me (invalid) and my 17 year old helper have done in 10 days! But my social unacceptableness failed me there as well! After 4 early mornings, (6am so it could also mean the early hour did him in too) my 17 year old vanished. So I was alone again. And trying to get answers out of any of my friends seam to be like getting blood out of a stone. They are tip toeing around me and can’t speak to me about what I have done to offend them. Seriously? I have had a brain injury. I have short, unreliable memory. But at the bottom I am still me. I have always had an aggression in me. Maybe I just am not able to walk around issues and maybe I’ll be better off if I just stay quiet?

Keep Smiling 🙂 you can smile in a fiercely quiet way, no offending there!

This I wrote a couple of days after;I am not one to brag about my ability to do anything. I am a doer. I find things easy to pick up generally and can do everything normally to quite a high standard. Or shall I say the old me used to be able to pick up things quickly and do them to quite a high standard.

The new me is a bit lame. I wouldn’t ever have chosen her as friend in school. The new me is ever double thinking (ok even though family think I do not) and if you know how direct and straight forward I was before I now have to be doubly direct and straight as I cannot remember things that has happened/that I say unless I double up on the directness.

I have made it my direct excuse “I’m sorry I had an accident and I have forgotten how to be subtle”. Peoples natural answer to that is “Oh, no thats ok, I prefer that you say what you mean” Oh what the hell? I am embarrassed of how soft I’ve become. Even though I have this directness in me. I am at the same time overly aware of what people might think. Not about me, but what they will think about what I think. That will not change me now, only slow me down a little more. (Sorry mum)

Here I finished writing. Something interrupted me.
Keep Smiling 🙂 if you are lucky you won’t remember what you’ve done! Be thankful for life’s little injustices, see them as blessings!

Anger anger anger

Totally getting annoyed for nothing now.
Walk past me, look, don’t look, speak or don’t. Everything winds me up right now. Hormones maybe? I honestly can’t blame anyone or anything especially as I’m getting wound up for NOTHING at the moment.
Or shall I say everything winds me up. Except maybe Millie. She has a wild card for most time as she is only little
but I think even Millie’s wild cards are running out as my temper oh temper is catching up with poor ole Millie too.

Back riding one or two horses more or less every day and I must say they have adopted quietly into my new style of riding. The so called new style probably sounds more severe than it actually looks but it’s quite a big deal.
No muscles on my left side of body has any strength. I loose my reins a couple of times every time I ride but luckily I gave good horses that learn quickly and would never take advantage of me.
So the new style is quiet and still most of the time but my balance is slightly adjusted towards the right.
Since I started riding I have stopped doing the 2-5 hour sleeping stints during mid day and still have brain and semi body function after dinner time!
I overall feel more positive about everything. That’s why I wonder why I have this rage bubbling inside of me.
I’m furious for absolutely NO reason.
Well the Valdoxan does not seam to work if it was supposed to make me a milder version of myself. I am sharper and more to the point than ever before.
At the moment I think my poor long suffering husband gets most of it as he is the only close adult person in my life.
My mother complained about me before, that I could behave and be nice when I need to be in front of people I don’t have close relation to. I guess partly it might be true. They haven’t been around me long enough for me to pick up on annoying traits. Oh dear. I’m not going to compete for nicest person on planet award any time soon.

I was back teaching this weekend at a show! My one and only student now won the first class she was in and the second day she turned a bit too quickly at a fence in the jump off but her mother was delighted! It was almost a year since I started training the horse and rider combination and to compare the nervous wreck of a pair that I started giving lessons to a year ago to the winning couple this weekend made my heart grow a little!

So why do I feel so angry?

Well even after my tiredness has started to evacuate my body, I still have a bit of energy draining ongoing. And it’s sad to say but I think the energy drainage is mostly family related. It’s not that they crave attention or demand to be seen, I just think its a natural circle of energy.

Where as my horses although they take effort and demand strength and crave a lot of attention the feeling after I have worked them is I’m energized!

3 hours working horses= feel great!
1 hour playing with children= zonked!

I guess a balance of working and family life is what I need but I also need to know what’s possible for me to do. How far can I get without surgical/stemcell intervention?

I am going to try yoga again. There has been a vacuum without yoga and Linda in my life.

We are going back to UK to meet yet another neurologist. This one has come highly recommended from a friend of ours who has had a very complicated TBI. (Traumatic brain injury) and the professor has agreed to see me and give us his thoughts of my half life, or my continuance of bettering self.

I have also now emailed the Mayo clinic in the US to hear about the stemcell treatments they do. All in all my desire is to get better. I will try to better myself in the meanwhile as I am now a disabled raging grump.

Keep Smiling 🙂 start it today! You know you can do it!