So with my newfound Parkinsonism, a quirky sense of needing to know and let’s face it enough time and computers to browse the web. I have found myself in language hell.
Well it’s more that I need an medical degree to read all the info in the articles rather than a fancy BA-hons in Art.
After a rather lengthy spree of googling I have now come up with a few facts:
1. Parkinsonism happens more often to men. As I guess they are more prone to Boxing (Mohammad Ali) or fighting.
2. Parkinsonism happens more to people born in the months February-may.
3. Parkinsonism can be brought on by medicines.
Well I should be rather safe as none of the above describes me.
So far this week has been rather forgettable.
I was yesterday with my lovely Acupuncturist and she tried to lift some of my tiredness and help me to deal with some of my sadness.
I am not depressed. I try to tell people this all the time. I’m really not depressed. Maybe reflective and sensitive, sad, emotional but not depressed. For me the difference of what I feel and depression is that I have actual real reasons to feel the way I feel. A depression can make you feel awful even when you should feel good.
I’m feeling low. But I have every reason to. I need to find a new beginning. So day 1 on the search for who I am now.
As I can’t ride, at the moment, and Internet research has given me no insight to weather I ever will be again, but I still have the magic eye. Finding horses will be my new forte!
Creating has always rated high on my agenda. So maybe more creations will be explored? I wanted to start playing guitar again, but as my left hand won’t work, I’m thinking re-think instrument. Harmonica maybe!?
I have re-thought my painting and will use spray and air brush instead.
I have been re-thinking hair color. My sister has grown tired of the pinkness of it all. I’m rather fond of it I must say, but maybe this is the time?
Today I have been up to the stable I’m moving half my horses to. It’s going to be great! They will have great stables, fab outdoor field and if need be we could get them worked in the arena! So I’m keeping 3 horses at Son Gual and moving 4 to the new stable. My 1 livery moved a couple of days ago. But I don’t think it had anything to do with me as they still want me to come to them and give lessons.
My smallest baby has turned 2 and as most of her life is in pieces where I only remember very important events, she has sadly slipped away. I love her so much, I just can’t remember much of her growing up. And now she is two.
I haven’t even brushed on the subject of stem cells yet! It should be good for people with Parkinson’s but I don’t know (Internet research) if the same applies for Parkinsonism?

Keep Smiling 🙂 for everything you leave behind, there will be more waiting behind the next corner!

Happy Midsummer everybody! Today is the longest day and shortest night of all year. In Sweden celebrations have gone on since Friday and me and mum spent the weekend in England at Hickstead derby show.
I had horses competing with Julie Andrews and they all went fabulous! Stayed at a very big hotel close to Gatwick airport and went to Hickstead every day. I had some friends coming to see me and I was treated like a princess with private golf buggy (called Glen) a driver (Gillian) and my side kick Molly. Over all awesome trip. I picked the winners of the speed derby and the big derby! I won a lot of money! Over £250! Otherwise life has taken a strange turn.
I’d never thought I would ever feel like this. Not devastated, not tired, not bewildered, but just empty.
I have had such a fighting spirit in me, have never had the sense to give up. Now I have a calling from deep inside to let go. Just leave it alone, let it be.
And it’s not something random, not anything you can ignore. It’s my life.
I shouldn’t say I would like to end my life. It’s not even half like that. I just don’t enjoy living like I am. It’s like an endless uphill struggle. Without an end to it. And all of you trying to make it easier to me by telling me how hard your lives are at the moment. I’m not sure how that is supposed to work?
If I feel sick, you will just tell me you also feel sick? How is that ever going to make me feel any better?
I’m not going to let my lack of positive energy take away any of my informative scriblets.
I have a new neurologist. The first thing she booked me into was a DATscan. A radioactive 3D X-ray to see how the neurons in your brain works. Turnes out I had a lack of dopamine in my right brain hemisphere. It’s also noted in persons with Parkinson’s decease. I don’t have the genes for Parkinson’s but instead I have something called Parkinsonism. Could be brought on by TBI (traumatic brain injury) or infections or some other chance happenings. I should feel special really, or chosen, instead I feel cold.
So Parkinsonism basically has the same syndromes and treatment as Parkinson’s. The difference is people with Parkinsonism can get it at a much younger age.
I have tried to google the illness to see if I can get rid of it, but so far undecided. I’ll just have to wait and see. Hence the cold, bored, non-commited, non-responsive mood I am in.
People that see me ever so often say I’m doing great. But it’s just that I feel like I did in January. But without any daily improvement.
I cannot believe a short throat infection has thrown me back a couple of months in just a few days. But that’s how it is and ill just have to deal with it.
I will get on top of this and probably write myself better but it’s just at times the low gets you. It is trying to, but it won’t break me.
Now god bless and as my friends can tell you the accuracy of my predictions at the derby were almost too accurate.(Spooky) I think this TBI has given me not only the ability to speak to animals but also the ability to see the future?!!! How else could I have:
1. Picked Phillip Miller as the derby winner.
2. Predicted that Carlos Ribas would fall of on both his rides, and probably dislocate a body part in a dramatic manner.
3. That Guy Williams would be too eager to win for it to work in his favor on both horses.
4. That the man that I have had convicted of stealing a saddle from me would fall of at the bank.
The list goes on but for non horsey people it would be too boring to read. So either I can see into the future or someone up above makes all my wishes come true?!
Keep smiling 🙂 even when your heart hurts it still means you HAVE a heart, and it’s still beating for YOU!

So it has passed. The great 8th months since accident. It’s basically been and gone. I hardly noticed. We were busy going to Disneyworld with the three kids. It was really a lot of fun and we did all magical things your children still are in the full knowledge of being seriously real. It took a lot of effort. At the middle of day 4 in the park, somewhere between para shooting and going on a movie set to see an earthquake I realized my legs would take me no further. I stopped for a second just to catch my breath. And when I thought I had regained it my legs just would not move. Luckily we were at Disneyworld and we were close to where the let out wheelchairs and buggies. So Dan found himself renting a four wheeler for his wife.
I was taken back to the hotel in a rolling fashion and passed out gracefully on top of my bed.
Something had changed since I’d been in France. All of a sudden I did not taste anything anymore. But everything tastes a little bit metal. I was riding between 4-6 horses every day before I left for France the second time, now even getting close to one makes me tired.
We got back from France on the Thursday night. On the Friday morning I felt dead. On the Friday night I was taken in to hospital again. High fever and sore throat.
I was signed in to hospital again. 4 nights I stayed there, trying to get back to a little bit of normality in my life.
I have basically no sensation on my left side. I have no reflexes on my right side.
We got an appointment with a new neurologist. She booked me in for à DATScan. That’s a radioactive scan for you who wonder. And after seeing my blood samples she decided to take some new blood when I come off my medicines. At the moment one reading from my blood that is supposed to be between: 0-5.0 had a reading of 278.34 on me. It was the highest inflammatory reading the doctor had ever seen.
So now I’m back at home. But it’s a half life as it is. I wake up. Sometimes spend some time with the girls. Then I sometimes go to the stable. But it doesn’t feel like me. I feel imprisoned in this half working body. I can’t even start to think what I should be able to do now. Some people say I’m lucky, that I have come so far. But now I don’t feel so lucky any more. It’s like being shown a future all shiny and brilliant, then turned around in a different direction and its all old, dusty, smelly. I have had a line of loving friends taking me forward and lifting me up. At the moment it just feels impossible. It’s been a long day/week I guess but I have decided not to fight an ongoing forward battle any more. I will try and sit this one out.
I am afraid this is getting a harder blog to write as I know where I should be, but now realizing I’m not even close.

Keep smiling 🙂 even after radioactive scans see the positive in it! You glow in the dark for hours afterwards!