Midsummer without alcohol

Happy Midsummer everybody! Today is the longest day and shortest night of all year. In Sweden celebrations have gone on since Friday and me and mum spent the weekend in England at Hickstead derby show.
I had horses competing with Julie Andrews and they all went fabulous! Stayed at a very big hotel close to Gatwick airport and went to Hickstead every day. I had some friends coming to see me and I was treated like a princess with private golf buggy (called Glen) a driver (Gillian) and my side kick Molly. Over all awesome trip. I picked the winners of the speed derby and the big derby! I won a lot of money! Over £250! Otherwise life has taken a strange turn.
I’d never thought I would ever feel like this. Not devastated, not tired, not bewildered, but just empty.
I have had such a fighting spirit in me, have never had the sense to give up. Now I have a calling from deep inside to let go. Just leave it alone, let it be.
And it’s not something random, not anything you can ignore. It’s my life.
I shouldn’t say I would like to end my life. It’s not even half like that. I just don’t enjoy living like I am. It’s like an endless uphill struggle. Without an end to it. And all of you trying to make it easier to me by telling me how hard your lives are at the moment. I’m not sure how that is supposed to work?
If I feel sick, you will just tell me you also feel sick? How is that ever going to make me feel any better?
I’m not going to let my lack of positive energy take away any of my informative scriblets.
I have a new neurologist. The first thing she booked me into was a DATscan. A radioactive 3D X-ray to see how the neurons in your brain works. Turnes out I had a lack of dopamine in my right brain hemisphere. It’s also noted in persons with Parkinson’s decease. I don’t have the genes for Parkinson’s but instead I have something called Parkinsonism. Could be brought on by TBI (traumatic brain injury) or infections or some other chance happenings. I should feel special really, or chosen, instead I feel cold.
So Parkinsonism basically has the same syndromes and treatment as Parkinson’s. The difference is people with Parkinsonism can get it at a much younger age.
I have tried to google the illness to see if I can get rid of it, but so far undecided. I’ll just have to wait and see. Hence the cold, bored, non-commited, non-responsive mood I am in.
People that see me ever so often say I’m doing great. But it’s just that I feel like I did in January. But without any daily improvement.
I cannot believe a short throat infection has thrown me back a couple of months in just a few days. But that’s how it is and ill just have to deal with it.
I will get on top of this and probably write myself better but it’s just at times the low gets you. It is trying to, but it won’t break me.
Now god bless and as my friends can tell you the accuracy of my predictions at the derby were almost too accurate.(Spooky) I think this TBI has given me not only the ability to speak to animals but also the ability to see the future?!!! How else could I have:
1. Picked Phillip Miller as the derby winner.
2. Predicted that Carlos Ribas would fall of on both his rides, and probably dislocate a body part in a dramatic manner.
3. That Guy Williams would be too eager to win for it to work in his favor on both horses.
4. That the man that I have had convicted of stealing a saddle from me would fall of at the bank.
The list goes on but for non horsey people it would be too boring to read. So either I can see into the future or someone up above makes all my wishes come true?!
Keep smiling 🙂 even when your heart hurts it still means you HAVE a heart, and it’s still beating for YOU!

One thought on “Midsummer without alcohol

  1. Hjärtat,
    Det smärtar att läsa. 🙁 Fortsätt kämpa! Parkisonism vad är det för jäkla skit? den kan fara åt he-te!
    När vi kommer ner i augusti ska jag köra dig vart du vill och ta med en stooor påse lösgodis från hemköp.
    Älskar dig så. Kram

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