Trouble never travels lonesome…

Hello dear folks

I have managed to half climb out of my pit of misery post op clavícula.

People often say bad things happen in 3. I have been holding my breath for the last week as I’m awaiting bad thing number three…

Bad thing number 1, I have decided was the fall I had the Friday before last. Breaking said clavícula in 4 places, hence decorating it with 9 screws a plate and 12 staples. You who have called me bionic woman before, now here I am!

Bad thing number 2 happened last Thursday. I still can’t really even think about it without crying. I am not a super sensitive soul, but this really has me in tears. Both out of sadness and thankfulness. Lara, or Eva Lux as she is known to more during her career as a show jumper, was in foal to our gorgeous stallion Billy Cointreau. The foal was due on the 20th of April and as our foals rarely come on time I felt it was safe to go on the show jumping trip to Oliva. We were coming back on the 1/4 which would give us ample of time to prepare all. Lara had other plans. She started giving milk about 4 weeks ago and we have been monitoring her advancements and it all looked like it had slowed down and for us to relax a little.

In the morning of last Thursday she gave birth. To still born twins. They had not been spotted by the vets ultrasound because they were in the same sack. Normally when vets spot twins, they either squash one or re-scan hoping it will be reabsorbed as it’s a gentler form of process. Mares can not have twins, they very seldom survive. Because they were twins in the same sack our vet never suspected anything. Not even when he scanned the mare during the last weeks.

Now I’ll sound heartless but my biggest tears are not for the death of the foals but for the survival of our mare. I am so thankful that Lara is still with us and even though it will take some time to understand what we have to do to move forward I know we will work it out.

Maybe I should stop looking for bad things that “might” happen. It’s only that I told Jenny the day before the accident when I was considering buying a new tack locker for the show, -What do you think I should survive the first day of jumping and not fall off and break anything in the first class… (before spending the money on the new locker) And here we are now.

I have had my family over for a lovely weekend here at Met Oliva. They have survived the journey both here and back home. My student has managed to fly in here alright, she starts jumping on Friday. Jenny has been jumping lovely rounds and has even got a few placings on our horses. We have managed to fly over Carlota to help with the horses. So other than me being broken it all looks better now.

Welcome new week of wonders!

Keep smiling 🙂 some of us are still here!

Broken

Again broken. Don’t know how much I should tell you all. I have been so careful. I decided not to ski during the family skiing holiday. I decided not to do things that could injure me before I got here.

Here is Oliva Nova. A festival of show jumping that’s held in 4 instances between 2-4 weeks. I was entered to MET III. Three weeks of jumping in March.

We got here last Monday. With 4 horses from Mallorca and another 4 from Sweden. Everybody very excited and horses also.

Here you can ride on the beach every morning as well as under a very big protective roof. You can warm up the horses during clear round classes so I decided to do that with 2 of my horses. The first one was a bit fresh, but after she had a jump around she calmed down. The second one decided he didn’t like jumping. And definitely not where fillers were involved. It took all my efforts and I finally got him around to the last fence that was a vertical with no fillers underneath. He probably had had enough by then and I was probably tired as well so that ended in me on the floor. Nothing broken! But here they go under the new FEI rules even on the clear round course so I wasn’t allowed to jump back on until I had seen a doctor.

Said and done. Saw doctor, got all clear and kept working away on the other horses.

Thursday the other horses were jumping, both Dilba and Clarissimo with Jenny and Splashdance with Jennifer.

Friday my horses started. I had changed plan with the one that had fallen out of love with jumping. I treated him yet again to another clear round and this time I got him round ok. Then we went for a lovely hack on the beach.

First start of the day, first international start for me for 12 years. I was on my favorite horse and we came cantering to first fence, cleared it. On to the second. Here she added a super fast extra stride in before the fence and then started to turn mid-air towards the left. I somehow got catapulted straight up and out to the right. The pain was excruciating. My mind was racing. I kind of heard the crashing sound from my shoulder, and I couldn’t breathe. I did not once loose my consciousness, even though one might have been better off not remembering. The on sight doctors probing and pulling. The knowledge that I probably would not be able to jump any more, at this show, or at any show ever again.

The realisation I had to make the phone call. The one to my number 1 person in the world. To the one doubter of any equestrian sports. I had to call Dan. I had already called him the day before to inform him of the fall on Thursday. He told me to stay careful, I had. I even had taken out the horse that I didn’t feel was ready for the big ring and just brought this mare down to the smaller class.

When I was lying in the ambulance, I made the call. So many realizations coming to me at once. I really am cursed. That was what came back to me over and over again. I am a joke. Even I can not take myself serious any more. How come every time I hear something happening to someone I know the very same thing has already happened to me? I was digging myself deeper and deeper into my ice black cave of self pity. Where all the surfaces reflect my ultimate failures. My endless list of failures that just keeps going on and on. I wanted to scream but all I could let out was a tiny flat a. Like a mouse being squashed. Inside of me I wanted to scream and shout and hate and paint the whole world black. How could it keep happening to me? So unfair on yet another level. But all I could do was to let out a tiny little a.

I felt punctured. Everything about me deflated. I went to the hospital in Dénia, there hearing my insurance wouldn’t pay them directly so I had to pay them myself, then reclaiming it later wards. I was probed on a X-ray shelf, and for me being quite a senior connoisseur when it comes to X-rays, I was quite shocked by the basic-ness of the people working there. Not once was I asked if I was pregnant, not once was I offered to cover up bits of me that weren’t x-rayed. Twice I was asked to breathe in and hold my breath but not allowed to start breathing again… I could give them a course in ABC X-ray for beginners!

The surgeon arrived. He was the first person I felt total confidence in. He said there where 4 fractures in my collarbone/clavicle. He said the best way for it to heal quickly was to put a plate through it. Bionic woman here I come. The titanium plate was coming from Barcelona, and would hopefully arrive the next day, the latest was on Sunday for an operation to happen either Saturday or Monday. I was given some IV painkillers so finally I could think again. When I asked the doctor if I could jump this coming week, he just looked at me, then turned his face towards the wall, looked back at me and said, if you are having this operation you do nothing for 3 weeks.

So that was it. Dream over. Pack up, go home. I went to my dark dungeon of self pity, mirroring my bruised ego. Feeling hopelessly lonely and failed as a human.

The next morning a nurse came in and told me the operation would go ahead at 12. I went down to the lower dungeon of the Dénia hospital, and was in Spanish asked over and over again, was I nervous? Was I just a little bit nervous or was I really nervous? I answered back on my politest Spanish, I was born ready and had no nerves so please get on with it. So they did.

I woke up in the ward. I had no pain. Other than in my hip and thigh that had started to swell up. I couldn’t feel nor move any part of my right hand. As I have already been paralyzed on my left hand side, I kind of know how the mind still can make your fingers move with just the right encouragement. I thought for a minute that oups, they probably cut something off they shouldn’t have… but then the surgeon came in, told me the strong pain blocker they had blocked any sensation from my whole right arm. I asked him if I could have it for the next 4 weeks which he laughed at. I was serious… He then showed me photos from the entire operation. From the first X-ray to the screwing of bones and finishing of with the drilling of titanium plate. I got the 7 picture series, so I can add it to future holiday cards or whatever…

I had to stay one more night in hospital. On the Sunday I was allowed out. Jenny came and got me after her monster day with my 4 extra horses for her to feed, muck our, exercise and last but not least water. A horse drinks about 70liters/ day. In hot weather that can double. That means carrying a minimum of 280 kg water extra per day… that if you weigh more or less 40kg is very much… hopefully the HIIT Exercise we did before my latest accident has made her stronger.

I am now looking for more help for my horses so we can stay here for the whole show. Silly to go back home now. I still go from still acceptance to turbulent denial/refusal of bad-luck-iness as fast as one can think it. I feared this was my last outing, it still could be. But I have to accept this is what it is.

So not much fun to share but keep smiling 🙂 if you end up being the joke, at least smile at it!

2018 was a good year!

There was no fractures, I had no operations, no horrible incurable ailments!

Well some of you might recall I started the year with a fractured sternum, and finishing it with a pneumonia “especial”, but other than that, the year was “injury free”, or so I say… I must have the shortest memory of anyone I know…

On my phone there is photographic evidence from falls, black bruises, some stitches very close to my eyes… and yet, this I see as an injury free year!

I think it’s too easy to try and dig oneself into disbelief and finding ways of not trusting yourself. I think I am a great bearer of the “protective bubble” of confidence, this is in my mind my greatest asset, one that if we found a way to bottle said confidence we could sell it and make millions!

Unfortunately the one sad thing that has returned with a vengeance is my asthma. I thought it was gone for good, but all it needed to return was just a little pneumonia and humidity. Now I have been to see my lung doctor, and she recommends new inhaler, plus she recommends taking asthma spray 20 minutes before exercise. This was news to me, but it makes sense trying to give body a lift before you starve it from oxygen.

Never doing anything by halves, I have started riding again. Yesterday I managed 6! Tomorrow I am trying to train at the gym with my PT.

2019 will be an awesome year!

Keep smiling 🙂 Keep remembering the good times!

December is here

And I am back in Mallorca! At least as a physical person I am back, mentally and spiritually I don’t really know where I am.

I was allowed home last Friday. Purchased an oxygen finger clamp to see the levels during flight. Oxygen is a tricky one. Lungs are special and of course how we breathe and how our lungs deal with oxygen it’s all new science! A plane travels at 8000feet more or less. With cabin pressure it lowers your percentage of oxygen by 5-10%. Had I not been poorly this would have been a real fun experiment!

Said finger clamp will travel with us on next flight so whole family can appreciate air pressure!

I have tried fingers of many people since I bought it. All my children have a super healthy 99, but with all adults I have tried it on they come up with seriously low levels of oxygen! I’m not sure how it works, but as long as I’m still breathing we should be alright!

Christmas is coming nearer! I have done no planning or purchasing of anything… we are going to the UK 🇬🇧 for family Christmas with both grandmothers present! I was planning on creating something but as both voice and ability to create is so low, I might head back to internet purchasing…

Whilst on said internet… I always get pulled away, trying to find out brilliant personal gifts, ending up reading about weird ways of getting better after pneumonia. Slowly draining the little bit of energy I had from the beginning.

Even writing this quick note has taken me too long!

Keep smiling 🙂 at least when you are late for all your appointments you look polite!

The never ending story…

I wrote something last week

And it never published!

I know how it started

“Ah yet again a long long time since you heard from me! I’m out doing hence no writing!”

Then it was mostly a dragged out episode of the last 3-4 months, they have been quite full of stuff, but not as standing out shining examples worth writing about…

So I talked about the nasty English weather that with it’s nastiness made us happy to be in London and appreciating living in Mallorca even more.

It didn’t try to be too smug or funny. I had a bit of a fever when I wrote it and I think that’s why I somehow lost it and didn’t see it published anywhere.

We are in London this week. We were supposed to fly back home today, but no. I have been diagnosed with deep seated pneumonia on my left lung. I was seeing my surgeon late yesterday afternoon, and he basically phoned to the clinic next door and then took my hand and physically led me to this “new doctor” and told them to nebulize me. That’s basically letting me breathe bubbly saltwater. The new doctor was not impressed by the low oxygen levels in my blood, and as she knew we were supposed to go back to Mallorca today she asked us to change the ticket for tomorrow. I was also booked in to see another doctor this morning to check out my well-being.

The new doctor was a man from the old school of doctoring. I can’t see him take a short cut anywhere when it comes to medical issues. After listening to my lungs he asked if he could do an X-ray. I said -no problems, as I thought if there was anything pneumonia like there it should have started to get better already as I had started taking antibiotics a day or so before. There was pneumonia there. A lot of it. All on my left lung. And no! Flying with these lungs is a definite no no. He needed me to stay in London for another week… Eh I said I have small children or at least medium sized small children waiting for me to come back home. Ok he said, I will see you back here on Monday and then we can decide what to do.

So I am now stuck in England, until further notice!

Pneumonia is a drag. I cough like a true smoker. Have had fever coming and going all this week. I have no appetite or thirst. Even when I do eat, it doesn’t taste like it should do. So what do one do when you can’t speak because you cough too much, you can’t really eat, because your stomach doesn’t want you to? You research pneumonia online! It’s awful! I know I shouldn’t have, but I’m more convinced something boring like pneumonia could actually kill me. I better not go in to a hospital because according to some online sites about 30% off all pneumonia in intensive care ends up in death! See I told you! Never research your illness online. It will only make you feel worse!

The trip to London was really to do my quarterly oncologist dues. This time it was bloods and bones. A simple blood test checking all normal cancer markers as well as a bone density scan to see how my bones were doing with the taking of Tamixofen. I had to calculate the amount of broken bones, and also which bones I had broken in my life…-Eh, could I just tell you about my last 7 years? -Oh no, be specific and try not to forget anything. -Ok, I said, I’ll try my best .

This list was only done yesterday and I have 5 more breaks that I had forgotten about then… the amount of bones is also always a tricky one… when people ask if I ever had or what the types of bones I have broken were my standardized answer has always been -I’ve broken every bone except the jawbone, more or less!

For you interested in my bones, they are doing ok. Have become slightly more weakened this last year but nothing more than they were expecting.

I think by looking back at that list and also thinking about the breaks that are not included one could wonder why I still do it? I could ride a horse before I could walk. They have always been for me the way to come back to fitness, mental as well as physical. That, or otherwise all the concussions I had as a child falling of ponies. My mother was once called in by the accident and emergency crew for a questioning regarding all my concussions. They were all horse related, but I think we came in on a weekly basis for 5 or 6 weeks. Determined child syndrome. Or maybe we should call it determined pony child syndrome!

It could not have been an easy task growing up around me! Or having me growing up around all of you!

You should all have medals!

Keep Smiling 🙂 if you are HOT like me today!

What is she on?

Valid question from fellow Origen concert goer, after I had been dancing around and happily paparazzied all the papparazzies behind the stage.

Dans answer: -She is just happy to still be here.

This was from last Sunday’s Origen music festival of the DJ variety. Carl Cox was headlining and we had been invited by our S’mores loving friend Sarah.

We didn’t quite know what we had signed ourselves up for as we arrived to Son Fusturet where the stage had been erected.

Thousands of people aged 15-21 were flooding the streets surrounding the venue. The girls were wearing very little clothes and the boys mostly surrounded themselves around a parked car playing loud music on the car park.

Thanks to Sarah’s close friendship with Carl Cox we found ourselves at the top of the stage. It was called Backstage access but a more appropriate name would have been on stage, all over access…

When Carl started his set I had gone to see my godson that was working in the V-VIP bar. He was greatly surprised by seeing his godmother/auntie visiting the festival and even more so when we got a message to please join everybody on the stage.

For 2 hours straight we were dancing whilst mr Cox was mixing the tunes. I can’t say that I was ever an avid techno fan, nor do I know if the music actually was techno or if it falls under any other sub title like ambient, electro, base, dubbing… whatever style it was it gave me little wings on my feet. If you were one of the 6000 people there and you saw something pink flying around Carl Cox, that might have been me.

Hence the question: -Why is she so happy? What is she on?

Simple things: waking up, breathing, sometimes sleeping, that is what I am on.

I am so happy to still be here! Grateful to still see our girls growing up. This is most probably a very declaration of High on life! On top of everything they were streaming confetti and long garlands in my show colors, green, yellow and pink!

Keep smiling 🙂 around the corner there might be a musical wonder that transfers you to your happy place.

Climbing up

Dear all, sorry for yet another absence. Only due to doing too many fun and time consuming things. 

On one of these outings, namely on a mountaineering spree in south Croatia I had an AHA moment.

Some have these spiritual moments. For others they find their calling. For me it was the complete and utter realization there must be something missing in my basic put togetherness.

I was sat on a rock mid climb, trying to explain a shortened version of my last 6 trying years, whilst forgetting ailments and the adding them to my story at a later twist my co climbers suddenly got quiet.

Not only did it seam like too much happening to one person as it sounded a bit almost made up. I wish! The following question from my co climbers was: -So why are you climbing?

Good question. Valid. The answer? I’m not sure, it’s good fun? I like trying new things? I like challenging myself? I’d like to find new ways of injuring/possibly killing myself?

I’m not sure. I just signed up to the climbing to be a partner for my 9 year old Mel as she wanted to climb a real mountain. It never once occurred to me that me weighing a little bit more than double of her weight, she wouldn’t make a great bi-liner for me, as she lifted from the floor as soon as I leant back in my harness. It was all good comedy whilst on the climbing wall with instructors handy to advise and take over when things were going a bit too far.

After a few days of wall practice we made it to the Paklenica nature reserve. Climb heaven for all of you that have never been. A fabulous mixture of easy to medium to hard core cliff hangers. 

As Mel is the far more confident as well as skilled climber of the two of us, she went first. I bi-lined (was her safety rope holder) a few times but also the instructor Cat was there to help us.

Climbing is a beautiful sport. It’s just you and some stone. Sometimes a tricky little tree that has somehow managed to grow vertically on a sheer rock face. 

Where we climbed, routes had been lined up, but never in my wildest dreams had I imagine it to be as trying as it was.

It could maybe have been because of my previously broken and mended right knee, or possibly my newly healed sternum, or for that fact the most painful bit of my body are my fingers that I injured by just falling on the street a couple of weeks ago. No horses, skis or dancing competition involved. Just me and a side walk. Level as far as I know. The next second, again like in slow motion I am flying through the air… only to land on my outstretched fingers and my right cheek. I know whilst in the air and especially as I was hitting the ground, my one and only thought was -How on earth will I explain this to Dan?

Well nothing other than bruising and a bit of swelling happened. I will be known as the least graceful mother in my youngest daughters street dance crew as the fall happened right in front of other parents from said group.

Now back to my AHA experience.

There I was hanging by one fearfully sore left hand as I was trying to find anywhere to place my right foot and transfer some weight over. The question of why I was doing the climb, after everything that has happened to me it suddenly came to me. This journey that we are on, the one where we live, and learn or sometimes just keep injuring ourselves, that’s the point. It’s the journey that takes us wherever we end up. The people we meet. The wonders we see. It’s the never ending story. Because it’s true. It will never end. That’s why I climb.

Keep climbing, and smiling 🙂 you never know where next you will goScreen Shot 2018-08-09 at 18.57.55

Back winning and falling!

In another life, far far away on a timeline galaxy called my youth I was told by a Asian lady doctor, that if I didn’t slow down in life, I would never achieve all my potential quests. At the time I was just concentrating on my show jumping, the medical problem I had at the time was not in the slightest related to horses, work or winning so I put the recommendation far far away, in a bottom corner of my space like brain.

Time went on as time does. Not too kindly, but in one way possibly the only way it could have done. As the 6 year anniversary of my initial “big” accident is creeping nearer I reflect back on how I could have done things differently, and I realize, there is nothing I could have done. We are here, where ever we might be. On decisions we have made or some that have been made for us.

As people keep asking why I continue riding and competing. It’s what keeps me going. It’s never simple. The horses are to me the greatest form of physical and mental therapy.

Last weekend was full of laughter and fun, I jumped The Drawness (Draw) in a 120 and he jumped a fabulous clear round and won! This weekend I was going for the Mallorcan championship. 2 days jumping at RCEEM close to Bunyola.

First day fabulous. First time jumping 125 for 6 years. Super clear and finished 3d. I was joint leader for the championship. All ready for the first 130 in 6 years.

It was a strange day, it was thunderstorms all around where we were but not a drop of rain… until the jump off directly before my class. The sky opened, and for 10 minuets it was flowing down. Great for the arena and the warm up as they hadn’t watered it in fear of the rain to come.

Draw warmed up brilliant for the 130. In the ring, I admit I got a little carried away and I started turning and adding a stride and using Draws ability and scope a bit too much. It turnes out I managed to turn inside of a fence I hadn’t planned and he stopped. A quick turn around again and he jumped well and still finished with a super time, so we ended up 3d again. Now second in the championships.

Jump off, and another course set, 8 obstacles. I was 5th to go with Draw. I warmed up well. No missing, adding strides or being too hard. Then we started the course. It started on a big S-curve with 3 big oxers. The 3d leading in to a 2 stride double. He jumped really well number 1 and 2. Turning up to the double I had a really good stride to it, but I think Draw was still thinking about the first round where he had to “carry” me through, so he stopped. Again I turned a circle and approached on a good stride, I was really going for it now. But sadly Draw had had enough. He stopped, I continued, fast ramming the fence. Clipping my cheekbone on the purple wing.

My first thought was not about me or pain or horse, it was with my children. That previously were so proudly watching their mum, now seeing her crashing right in front of them. I had blood coming down on my cheek where the impact had been, but otherwise no real pain in the rest of my body. I was checked over in the ambulance and in the end they thought it would be better to drop me off at a hospital, to be able to x-ray and assess if there was a concussion.

So here I am. Another night in hospital. Not where I would ever wish to be. But as luck as it, my eye is fine, my cheekbone is not broken, my body, other than stiff and a little purple in places is A-Ok! Purple is such a cool color anyway…

Dan has already been here! Feeding me beautiful smoothie from favorite raw food guru Petra’s restaurant Ziva. Doctor has been and other than the impressed face (could have been distressed face) when reading my bible thick journal, he was only pleased to say I will probably be let out after lunch!

I know I’ve put my whole family through hell. It’s my only concern right now. Is it selfish to continue with this thing that makes me feel alive? First question from my sister, “-Has Dan asked you to give up yet?”

No, and I don’t expect him to ever ask me. I should listen more to myself and know my own limits. I will probably drop down a level next time and see how I will do. Lovely Leo can maybe start taking over as first horse from Draw, he has a little more blood and it might help him here in the heat?

I hope I have not lost faith. Body is sore but I think it’s because the last painkiller I got was 7am. To be honest with you, my biggest fear yesterday was that they would find something other than fractures on the CT scan. The evil cancer that might have decided to carry on in my brain, or my spine… but no! So far cancer free-(ish) and fracture free-(ish). I will not tempt faith another time by answering the question, -“Is there any bone you haven’t broken?” I had one answer to that question, but now I stay quiet. Bones are there there to be broken apparently. As illnesses are there to be had.

Keep Smiling 🙂 it’s just another day in hospital (Phil Collins could maybe try that out as lyrics for his new song)

Mended

Slowly but surely getting better by the day… January and February was devoted to sofa in living room, cuddles with small dogs, involving no lifting, no riding, no running, no going to the gym, no swimming…. involving a lot of sentences starting with my new favorite word-NO.

Hence by the end of February I tried getting back on a horse again. At first very slowly, but as I am getting a full professor-hood in recovery riding I was soon cantering again! I had already cancelled my entries for Oliva Nova, MET II, but I had one of my horses jumping there with Stephanie Holmen, Billy Cointreau, so I decided to go over and watch the show for one of the weekends. Billy as they call him in Sweden where he now lives, won the opening 140 for the weekend, and even though we had awfully stormy weather he jumped like a champion.

I know I have not been writing here for long, basically I have been to busy living and getting my energies back. I have discovered I am not as nice a person energized as I am when I tired. I am not sure why but I get super sharp and very matter-of-fact with my loved ones. That’s inexcusable and something the energized me will have to work on.

Two very unexpected deaths of friends in their “prime of life” mid 50’s has made me realize how lucky I am. To still be here. To still worry about silly things like weight gain during my sofa-healing time. I feel so thankful even on a bad day that at least I am still here. I do believe in life beyond this but I am still so thrilled over the mystery of the life that we live here. So even though I might be short and sharp, there is an abundance of love and care from this recovering sofa-surfer.

During my sofa sitting, Netflix binging beginning of year I was watching a lot of series, I will be anyone’s basic go-to-woman when it comes to opinions on any series found online. As I was worried the sofa and binging would end up with me twice my size, I used an app called my fitness pal, it was Dan that recommended it to me. It is a very easy way of “controlling” what you eat. You basically get given an amount of calories you are allowed per day, I managed to loose nearly 4 kg during the two months. Some people say it might be muscle and they are probably partly right, but for when you are not very active it’s a very useful tool to use.

Now I’m back riding up to 6 horses per day, teaching and training. The only reason I am writing this is because my flight to London is delayed 3 1/2 hours, I was just going over the day to London, if it gets much more delayed I will have to stay here as I will miss my appointments with lots of doctors. My return flight is booked for tonight 11.30pm… ah the joys of flying “economy” airlines… I think I actually lose money flying like this.

There is something in the air. When it comes to low cost flying… or maybe I shouldn’t say air as I am still solidly on ground….

On a whole different part of life, the whole family went to our first live concert in Barcelona! Imagine Dragons were playing and as we all know all of their songs from the Evolve album especially, it was a great way to “break” in the kids to appreciate live music. It also made me realize I have the urge to do an “Esporlasbury” following the 2014 “Bunyolabury”. We had 12 live acts in the first music festival. I think we could make it in to a every second yearly event!

Keep smiling 🙂 life is beautiful, enjoy, endure, inspire, live it without any regrets!

Broken

A new year begins. All lovely resolutions, plans for the future, clearing ones head, clearing ones life.

New structure, diet, exercise regime, cleaner house, tidier wardrobes.

Year on year, there is the immense possibility of failure. This year I managed to break 3 days before the new year begun, although it wasn’t confirmed until yesterday.

I knew there was something wrong, with the amount of pain that I had. Of course I was hoping that it was more chance of muscular and nerves damage, but with yesterday’s consultation with a doctor that cared she found it. The upper crack leading through the sternum about 2 cm from the top, the second one further down to the right. The doctor insisted that an MRI should still be done to find out the severity of the muscular break around Bella. Never in my wildest dreams could I have come up with this terrible conclusion.

I was once again invited to the “Idrottsgala” which is the sports personality of the year in Sweden. It was held in the Globe in Stockholm on Monday the 15th of January. At the time I had gotten better pain relief and I didn’t have a confirmed broken breastbone, so I thought a quick trip to Stockholm would be no problem, little did I know…

Arriving at Arlanda airport on the Sunday night. The air was “fresh” and “clear” for you Swedes out there, it was frippin’ freezing! But there was no snow! I realize living in mallorca for almost 8 years have made me a bit more soft and sensitive to cold things, but even the proper Swedes that picked me up were complaining about the cold!

The gala came and went. Peder Fredricson won the Jerringprize for a second year running. That’s the only prize where the Swedish public decides their yearly hero. Riding, even though it’s the second largest sport in Sweden, have very little paper space and TV time, hence the Swedish public, that are not involved in horse sport, cannot believe a European champion can beat a 7 world champion and several world records swimmer.

It’s quite tiresome to educate said ignorant Swedes that horse sport has only 1 world championship every 4 years, and for them to understand how great an achievement winning a European gold on home ground is, any way said Swede Peder proved for the second time that horse sport has a lot of horse power!

Come Tuesday I managed to celebrate 2 cousins who’s birthdays it was. First with a breakfast at stockholm central train station and secondly lunch at Edsbacka bistro in Sollentuna. I then had my taxi booked to Arlanda airport where a quick transfer flight should have taken me via Oslo to Palma. Then it started to snow.

It’s sometimes strange how within a 20 minutes time frame one can go from a little bit windy to outrageous stormy weather, then add the snow and you couldn’t see more than 10 meters in front of you. My taxi driver was driving super slow but we managed to get to the airport in time… the airplane had other plans for me.

After change of gate 3 times, a delay due to the weather and a new crew coming to fly us, I realized it would be tight to manage flying out of Oslo. I checked the flights out of Oslo and most of them were delayed by a couple of hours or cancelled. By this time I had already waited for so long for the flight that I wondered if I should get on the flight… as there were no direct flights to palma the following day.

The air hostess on the Norwegian flight said we would probably get there in time for the Palma flight as all flight out of Oslo were delayed, I decided to get on the flight and we taxied our on the runway. There we stopped. We were told we had missed our time slot. We would be sat on the runway for another 1 1/2 hour. As we landed in Oslo, I picked up my things and went careering through the terminals of Oslo airport, as it didn’t say if my flight had left yet and there was nobody to ask. I ended up close to having a heart attack but finally realized my plane had left without me… I was stuck in Oslo.

Due to how I had booked my ticket, the airline cut me off, they didn’t see themselves as responsible for this snowy palaver. Thanks to my husband I managed to get a hotel room a “roughly 10 minutes away” from the airport. Turned out to be a 40 minutes over 1000 Norwegian crowns taxi journey there but at least I had a bed.

Also thanks to my husband I managed to get re-routed with Ryan air for the following day. A morning flight to London Stanstead and an afternoon flight to Palma. Never in my wildest nightmares was I prepared for what was about to happen.

I was up early and this time walked from the hotel (that I would never have found on my own) through a very snowy place called Lilleström. After a couple of semi right snowy turns and ice skating across some trafficked roads I ended up at the train station. From there the train was almost pleasant compared to the slippery roads. I was already checked in to both new flights and I was ready for another day in transit. Or so I thought… after a few hours waiting to board the flight to London I find out on my flight stats app that it’s been cancelled. I ask the people at he gate but they deny any knowledge of this “cancellation”. I will not bore you with the hours of frustrating wait not the bus transfer we finally found ourselves on to take us to another airport in Norway. It was called Torp. Google it. After being there, there is a new meaning to “the end of the world as we know it”. 2 hours of bus transfer through a snowy winter landscape. Followed by an extra 3 hours wait in a terminal without a cafeteria.

8 hours delayed we finally landed in Stanstead. Me and everybody else that were transferring to other flights had missed our connecting flights. Stanstead was going to become my second night stopover.

Come Thursday afternoon. I had been given a boarding card for the slightly over full flight of FR1913. On my boarding card, Ryan air went all vintage on me, no seat number! So I was queueing up, in the no priority queue, with only a 0 next to where my seat number was supposed to be. When I realized I was already too tired from all the traveling, hotels and lack of food during this hell week, and all of it on top of my already super seriously painful chest, I was on my very last straw.

I was thinking about the humor in the story of me. The unbeatable amount of bad luck, clumsiness and every time I try to plan or arrange anything for my future, it just quickly and sharply goes to pots. I live in fear of ever putting anything in writing, any wishful or slightly planning thinking that like the worst of any black comedy seams to turn on me.

I will get the full report next Friday. Then I will have the results of the MRI and by then I will know more about how little I’m allowed to do. I have tried to research online what exercise one can do with a broken sternum. Turns out, no much, or to make it easier for me to understand, nothing! I’m not allowed to lift, turn, swim, lie on my front or side, run or ride. How I will stay human? Well possibly I never was, one can only hope!

Keep smiling 🙂 even though it hurts, it’s never as painful as taking yourself too seriously!