Tired but not finished

I honestly can’t tell you how annoying my memory has become. It’s scattered to say the least. I’m starting to worry but every time I mention this to anyone they assure me it’s “normal” and this “happens to them all the time”. Frying hell!(good huh? Not swearing really!..) I can’t believe I am spending all my time with useless people that apparently can’t keep information stored.
So since I haven’t been on here for ages I will try and put you into where I am at the moment.
I have been to Sweden twice in a short while to see a line of doctors:
I had already booked in with an Ayurveda doctor in Palma before I went to Sweden so I went and saw him.
My first waste of time management! I went in with an open mind. I like stuff that is ancient, has history and thought behind it. I left with a closed mind. Shut into survival mode. Scared into a freezing solitude and for the first time challenging my mindset of positivity. I nearly felt depressed.
I had been put in to the Pittha- Kapha selection of people. It meant I was a fire/water/earth/water personality. I had too much vatha in my system (air) so to get rid of it I could eat everything EXCEPT:
Everything I normally eat every day. I totally mean it everything I eat was on the bad list! He didn’t give me a good list as he had only blocked “a few” things for me to eat. I was numb. I felt stupid to have gone to him and spent my money and my time. He tried to convince me I had to go to his clinic in Valencia for a minimum of 7days and I had to say no. In the end I felt so robbed. He had not only taken away the little belief I had in my progress but he had also managed to put new worries in my brain. As I left I no longer had a wish to keep going. I could not talk. And for the first time I felt hopeless in my recovery.
The next day Dan had to come with me to see Anette, my Ayurveda masseuse. She had to explain the doctors reasoning on why I had to eat certain things and stay away from some. She then gave me a massage which I off course loved but I think it will be my last one with her. She is lovely, but the doctor put me into such a dark place their connection has ruined it for me. Ayurveda is great if you have a problem that normal medicine can’t cope with, but if you have a too wide personality I think it’s framing you too much. I was for 4 days in a dark place.

I went to Sweden to see an endocrinologist and she tested my blood. That came up inconclusive. She recommended me to see a Swedish neurologist. I flew up especially to see him. That was a waste of my time and money. He had received the email from the endocrinologist but he had not read it. It was like re-telling my story again for the millionth time. He couldn’t add anything. He couldn’t even read the MRI scans I had emailed and also brought on disc. He said that it was a job for a “radiologist specializing in neurology” well why the hell wasn’t I referred to one of those then?

Sorry! I shall not swear!
After second trip to Sweden I was viped. I had no more to give. I went in to a 3 day tired spree. We had friends over from the UK but I wasn’t ready to play at all. Very sorry about that now.
Everybody have their own conclusion to why I feel so tired from time to time.
It’s true. I do probably do more things than any “normal” person. But how do I know? I’m not “normal” not in that way anyway. I am used to get 105 things done every day. I’m used to juggling horses/ kids/ family/ friends/ banking/ insurance/ travel/ horse finding/ cooking/ training/ biking/ exercising etc. it was never hard, just every day mixture.
Now when I get tired living fails me. I cannot speak. Nor think or read. I am not even half of what I used to be. I’m frozen.

What most people say when I’m tired is:”you are doing too much”
Well it’s when I do do a lot I feel more like me.
“You travel too much” well I do travel and when it’s too see doctors that don’t give me aynthing yes it does wear me out! But when I fly like this week to two different weddings in two different countries, with early enough mornings and full enough days of socializing with people that I have to re tell story of fall to, you might think this would wear me out. Funnily it doesn’t! I have been on a journey since early Wednesday morning. And I’m fine. I am still on a trip and won’t return until later tonight. I am traveling by myself so let’s hope I won’t get tired in Paris as I have to clue on what to do in a comatose state… Ah well, it doesn’t feel like it will happen to me!
Before I left home on Wednesday I went for a session with acupuncture needles with Gudrun! She told me my “chi” was low and didn’t provide enough blood to my brain. This I can totally understand. I have felt dizzy since my meeting with the Ayurveda doctor! I’m getting vertigo like what I used to have in January! Now after almost a week on “chi rising” pills I am feeling a bit less vertigo-eske and even though I have missed out on a couple of weeks without training Physio or yoga I feel strong.
Time flies. And now that I think it’s almost only 4 months left until a year since my accident it turned my mind around. Where did it go? And how come I’m still here? Altered, but here.
June, Millie is turning 2
July, my birthday
August, holiday
September, Dan’s birthday
October… It’s were it all started or ended. Depends on how you look at it.
I’m very sorry if this makes you think that I’m low. I’m at a good place right now.
I feel confident, capable, curious. It looks like I will still have this handicap for some more time, but it’s only a handicap if you allow it to become you. If instead you are clever about it and ignore it, it might give up chasing you and go for someone else?!
Keep smiling 🙂 there is love in the world and you are part of it!

Weekend = Showjumping

7 months since my accident.

Life as a disabled person is kind of strange. I have to ask people for a ride, get uncontrollably tired at strange moments, have bad balance, no feeling on left side, can’t taste food, am never hungry and never feel full.

But in the stable I become my alter me! I ride 6 horses every day! They work amazing for me and I think they are all improving almost on a daily basis!

Balance is not of when I’m on a horse. Almost the opposite. i have an exercise I used to get people to do standing up in stirrups for 10 min at time in canter. I can do that no problem. On 6 horses after one another! I feel stronger, yet more composed.

Very strange. I’m like a person with schitzofrenia. Although I’m very aware of my two beings. I feel a bit cheated sometimes when I’m at the stable. I know going back home is only going to make me tired, so if I want to do anything in a day, not involving horses, I need to crack on and do it before my tiredness finds me!

In 2 weeks I am going to see a new neurology doctor in Sweden. We will see what happens after that. It has been suggested that I might have something wrong with my pituitary gland. But that would have become affected after the accident. So not any answers on why? But maybe some help on tiredness? We can always hope!

I’ve had some emails that say my blog has become a bit “down”. I don’t feel depressed or down at all! It’s just insightful? I’m trying hard to dig inside me to find answers and might end up with more questions… I don’t feel it should bring anyone down, but maybe just stop for a second and cherish what we do have. I am so lucky to be where I am today. It’s a blessing and a gift that my family still has me and I have them!

I will continue my ever long journey, searching for answers that I might never get, but at the same time get new knowledge about new things.

In January when I learned that I could communicate with traumatized animals, I was told by a woman that I could choose my new self. A path not travelled could become the new me. I didn’t really fancy it at the time but I do think its happening now by itself.

I can remember my fits of rage for little unnecessary things before. I can feel how they built up inside me and how I was losing control. I don’t see me going there again. I don’t think I’ll miss that old me. I think all scanner/printers/watches/computers will give a sigh of relief. Technology that won’t work for me will be ignored from here on. It’s not worth getting upset about!

Although my rage has given good stories to tell, from time to time.(or close arrests) for example the time when my hand luggage didn’t fit in the airports “hand luggage control” and I kicked it so hard into the metal structure it got stuck. So I decided to check my hand luggage in with the iron frame still connected on it….. Ah well those were the days!

Tomorrow it’s a show on again. I have 4 horses going. We will see maybe it will all work out!

Keep Smiling 🙂 you never know what today might surprise you with!