So slowly getting better. But with the clocks moving forwards in combination with my tiredness. Fatal combo.
At Friday around horse number 2 or 3 to ride I started feeling very tired. I knew with Easter we had a lot of things planned in and I wanted to be back to my normal self. So I went home and had a lie down. After a 4 hour sleep I woke up. Not much better than before but I was awake for a little while longer.
I then decided I would take it easy for the weekend. Well Easter egg hunting and dinners with friends and family etc. Not really “easy” as the majority of people would have it. But for me a big step towards easy.
Saturday came and went with no big surprises. A family meal in good spirit. I had an early night and eat too much.
Sunday I went out for a small run before breakfast. I say small. It was almost off the scale on the small side, but I blame my companions, Jack and Smilla. Small hounds, liking sofas more than outside morning runs!
I check my blood sugar levels 3 times per day. As I’ve had problem with low blood sugar before, hypoglycemia, this in combination with whatever I have now spikes my tiredness. As it happened over Easter my blood sugar levels were fine! Just enough sugar to keep me levels alright, not sure about how it makes me feel. A 100% tiredness most of the time.
Yesterday we decided to have a family day out as it was Easter Monday. A fun fair had arrived to Palma and we took all 3 little girls to have a fun day.
They were all allowed 3 rides each but Millie being so small could give her older sisters 2 of her rides so me and Millie watched the 2 big girls and dad in a train and a Star Wars contraption. Then the girls jumped in a bungee that made you fly super high. As a finishing treat we were going to go on the big wheel. As the entire family.
We had paid for tickets and were waiting for so long to get onboard. We were all ready to get in as we were first in line. It took ages for the ride to complete. As it stopped Myrna and I jumped into the carriage. Mel, Millie and Dan was following.
I could hear shouting behind me. And as I turned I saw Mel fall. She disappeared between the carriage and the ramp and just fell. The action afterwards was immense. Someone jumped down to get her up. There was blood, a whole lot of it, coming from her head. I was minus valued as always. I carried Millie and held Myrna’s hand, as we made our way to first aid I could feel my spirit floating above me. It was decision time. Would my spirit stay or go? It was saying “this bloody family, this cursed family, there is no way this year will become any easier for us!”
I hadn’t even gone on a single ride and we all filled the first aid area.
Mel was alright in the end. A big bruise on forehead. The cut to the back of her head was small but bleeding so much. I lost my ability to speak as we were making our way home, as my spirit was contemplating leaving us. When we got home all I could do was sit still in a sofa. Staring aimlessly in front of me. I don’t think a single thought went through my mind. Not consciously anyway.
After this day, I was not thankful that we were all still alive and together. I’ve become used to that. I was fed up with life as it was served to us. Given hope is actually worse than given nothing. I have had enough of the half days where I try to make the best out of a so so given start. I function but minus-valid and that is true. Dis-abled or minus-valued are really the same. And with any given extras of pressure I fold. I am not used to this but I have no choice.
You have to have known me for a while to see how far I have fallen. I am not pitying myself. I just have had this realization about myself. This sitting on my bottom and doing nothing is so far away from the person I have been.
No insight to more bravery. No deep thoughts to a fuller life with less. I’m sorry today’s blog is about taking today. There is nothing tomorrow so don’t go in half committed to anything just to save yourself. The pain is near if not constant in your life, it is within touching distance all the time. There is no need being frightened by it. Just allow it to be there, just be aware.
The same way how my spirit was weighing its options staying or going. I think it’s still around. After another big day emotionally I feel a bit drained. I was going to write something fun and eastery today but faith had me change direction.
Keep smiling 🙂 there are so many things out there! Some are out to get us and some just GET us, what we are about and what we want out of life! That’s worth living for!