The after 9 weeks x rays have been taken and analyzed by my trauma doctor. There still is not a lot of healing going on in the bones.
If I dare to look at my ribs, they are healing all over the place, just not back together again. There seams to be sharp splinters just raving to go and find one of my lungs to puncture or one of my veins. The edges of the breaks looks as sharp as it was done yesterday.
Trauma doctor in Mallorca has allowed me to start back easy training ie walking or sitting on a stationary bike. She has asked me to allow another 3 weeks before I start riding horses again.
Riding horses? Are you mad? (Do you know me?) I’m not sure I will ever get back to Showjumping ever again. I am still wondering what the deal is with the higher spiritual beings of the world, to finally allow me to build paradise on earth and simultaneously not allowing me to use it?
Think about your family! they say. And I am, all the time. I am thinking of the being of me in a future self, hopefully not broken any more. That me, without a daily dose of purpose and physical outlet becomes a nuclear issue.
I have now still managed to keep my bubble around me. I’m pushing out any external inputs, both real and virtual. It’s much more manageable to be on my own in my own seclusion. Not being tempted by others ideas of FOMO.
With my bubble tight around me I still feel safe, content and without any worries about now or then, future or past.
When said bubble will come off I know for a fact there is a whole different being in here. Let lose to her own demises she will demand her daily usual thrills. If one takes away the energy given to me through horse riding, in combination with the leveling that spending energy around and on top of equines, the constant light I have within my being fed by the interaction might go out. I still have all the energy, circling around me drawing me towards anything that can give me my next thrill/hit/fix. I am not an alcoholic or drug addict, but I have a very addictive personality. The way I see it, horses as my addiction saves me from myself.
I talked very briefly to my new grief counselor yesterday. I told her I had lost my biggest fan and supporter when said fan told me I should stop riding horses. As my counselor is very newly examined, as well as also being my former biggest fan… the two roles colliding in our first session, she said she will get back to me. I think I heard it will be a written response… still waiting…
On the other hand, she also had shown my x rays to one of the most prominent orthopedic surgeons in Sweden. His take on the pictures were that the fractures were healed, and running and falling would not increase possibility of punctured lung. I took it that it was A ok to start riding! She said NO riding! Well there we are, we can agree to disagree. I think I want to be the best of who I can be. I feel that that’s easier when I’m surrounded and drenched or concealed with horses on a daily basis. I will be a calmer version of me.
Keep smiling 🙂 be you
