Starting over

I have become a serious believer of fresh starts!

It has become what I need in my life as my short term memory keeps fusing out. The only problem is, if I ever mention this to anyone their direct response is almost always, “yes that happens to me all the time!” Well I wasn’t asking, but thanks for sharing anyway! And inside me brews a glow of inner pettiness… I ask myself: are they all idiots? Clearly I am different on so many levels to so many people that nobody can understand me.

We went to England this week. A seriously short 36 hrs break!

We had a meeting arranged with a new neurologist that my husband had very kindly arranged for me.

He had researched everyone we knew that has had TBI or any other neurological problems. He then contacted James Cracknell through a friend of ours and the appointment was with James neurologist Mike Barnes.

We flew in on Wednesday afternoon. Managed to book a haircut with my English hairdresser and then we went to have dinner with some of our Warwick buddies! It was awesome and I almost behaved! At least I think I did! Have not heard anything contrary to that

I do not want pity. I would take any push, encouragement or kind word. But I am just not in to being felt sorry for!

Living on a small island can have its advantages. It’s close to get everywhere. People recognize you fairly quickly if you hang around the same places. It can also have its disadvantages. See the two above! I guess the main one is with a small island in combination with the aggressiveness of me with TBI, is I’m apparently no fun to be around any more. I have started to feel the exclusion from friends lunches, dinner parties and get togethers. I’m not a huge fan of it to start with so for me it was almost a blessing in disguise not to be considered for social stuff any more, until today.

I must have really surpassed myself on being socially unacceptable. On all accounts. Today I have tried to arrange things for tomorrow, riding lessons, competitions. It’s fun because I can use my skills as a teacher again. It has all worked really well, but now trying to get even a simple answer for organizing riding lessons at a weekend is unbelievably hard. I just don’t know. Is it their inability to choose and decide or is it just me?

I have been helping a friend with breaking her horse. It’s been a brilliant distraction! The horse was “unbreakable”(others words not mine) and what had failed a previous breaker to do in 8 months, me (invalid) and my 17 year old helper have done in 10 days! But my social unacceptableness failed me there as well! After 4 early mornings, (6am so it could also mean the early hour did him in too) my 17 year old vanished. So I was alone again. And trying to get answers out of any of my friends seam to be like getting blood out of a stone. They are tip toeing around me and can’t speak to me about what I have done to offend them. Seriously? I have had a brain injury. I have short, unreliable memory. But at the bottom I am still me. I have always had an aggression in me. Maybe I just am not able to walk around issues and maybe I’ll be better off if I just stay quiet?

Keep Smiling 🙂 you can smile in a fiercely quiet way, no offending there!

This I wrote a couple of days after;I am not one to brag about my ability to do anything. I am a doer. I find things easy to pick up generally and can do everything normally to quite a high standard. Or shall I say the old me used to be able to pick up things quickly and do them to quite a high standard.

The new me is a bit lame. I wouldn’t ever have chosen her as friend in school. The new me is ever double thinking (ok even though family think I do not) and if you know how direct and straight forward I was before I now have to be doubly direct and straight as I cannot remember things that has happened/that I say unless I double up on the directness.

I have made it my direct excuse “I’m sorry I had an accident and I have forgotten how to be subtle”. Peoples natural answer to that is “Oh, no thats ok, I prefer that you say what you mean” Oh what the hell? I am embarrassed of how soft I’ve become. Even though I have this directness in me. I am at the same time overly aware of what people might think. Not about me, but what they will think about what I think. That will not change me now, only slow me down a little more. (Sorry mum)

Here I finished writing. Something interrupted me.
Keep Smiling 🙂 if you are lucky you won’t remember what you’ve done! Be thankful for life’s little injustices, see them as blessings!

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