My life has become a series. I follow it rather than actually live it. I feel somewhat removed from what should be my actual life. It’s like I am no longer taking part in this difficult and hateful journey.

It’s a blessing you might say. To feel removed from all the ache and troubles. Somehow to not feel responsible for all that has happened. A mere bystander and a passer by, rubbernecking the hell out of my life…. or so called life.

I had heard about the documentary The Crash Reel. Superstar snowboarder Kevin Pearce’s accident that forced him to stop competing 2010. He crashed in a half pipe practicing new tricks, otherwise his injuries were very similar to mine. The TBI was almost in the same place. He was in hospital a month longer than me. But I felt he and I had gone through a very similar thing. I was looking forward to see how he was getting back snowboarding as I felt his passion was as strong as mine.

The short clips before the documentary was shown clearly showed how determined he was and how quickly he should be back on the slopes… or so I thought.

It turned out that everybody in his family wanted him to stop skiing. This documentary was not a glowing beam showing sport people that have suffered TBI that you can make a comeback after even a serious fall like that. It was instead a stop sign. Trying to level and remove any bit of hope that one might have to come back in the sport one day.

I watched it to find some inspiration in my half lived life and it left me feeling totally lost. Since then I have disconnected with Life Of Me.

At the moment I find myself in Sweden. In the next couple of days I will see the horses I have here and also watch the final of the VW Grand Prix in Flyinge. I will have these days to ponder and just give myself some time to think about what is important.

Most of you I guess a mere 97.5-98% of you would probably put me at quitting the horses. I can tell you this is possibly the one thing my family agrees on. Although the accidents, both of them were, even though horses were involved, not your average horse accidents.

I could of course keep on defending the sport and the animals involved. I would love to know what made the first accident happen but I am not someone who dwells on the past. What has happened has happened. There is no way of un-happening it, but I would sure like to know why the first accident happened. I don’t think it would be a great decider on my final decision of where or when to re-kindle (?) my life.

I do not want you worriers out there worry that I am depressed. I am far from it. I am more focused now than I have been for some time.

Keep Smiling 😉 life sometimes throws you a curved ball, an annoying fly that won’t stop bothering your horse or a half pipe not cut out for you. Now is the time to figure out what to do with it.