A Saturday in central London. The weather is glorious! So much to see and do, but for me hospital and nil-by-mouth since 6am.

It was started last night. Meetings with the breast nurse and injection at the nuclear clinic. I then prepared myself with an early dinner and bed.

I went in this morning and all was well. The pre registrations nurses jobs had all been done by my super efficient Breast nurses. The meeting with the anaesthetist went well and the surgeon came and went through the operation with me and my mum who in my mind was confident they were going to do a good job. The radiologist surgeon also swung by and he had been introduced to me as the surgeon with the unpronounceable name. I was just to call him “G”. “G” did tell me his full name but it was rather hard to remember so with the aftermath of my general anesthetic, I claim bad memory memory history and lots going on… It wasn’t that hard to pronounce, just impossible to remember. He was the specialist on fitting the “port-a-cath”.

I was told what would happen. Lymph node taken out. They would follow the radioactive fluid injected under my nipple last night (for you Nina), how it made its way to the connecting lymph node. And they would only take that node out, have it dissected and check for cancer cells in it. They would also inject a smurf color tint around and under the nipple. It should also color the “tubes” in the breast. It’s apparently quite important to know the difference of tissue and the “tubes”. My nipple would keep the smurf color for the next couple of months (!!!!) and the rest of my skin would turn a lite hint of green/light blue/grey for the next couple of days…

They would then let Mr “G” take over and fit the “port-a-cath” on my left side.

I signed all the papers involved swearing hospital off any meaningful responsibility if anything was to go wrong.

I had been warned off things that could happen. I could get headache, nausea, dizziness, bowls not working, bleeding, pain etc but the one thing I might get is a skinreaction. Scaley skin! It was very unusual but I was thinking scaley skin might go great with the blue tune of my skin! I never had seen myself as a scaley smurf before but hey-ho, it might go well with pink?!?

Everything went according to plan. Not a scale in sight. No nausea, headache or other bad things so far… I feel incredibly well for someone who has had 2 General anaesthetist in less than 10 days…

I bought my first Macmillan key ring yesterday. It’s a metal one with two lovebirds kissing,  it’s pink and almost looks like a heart. It will make a wonderful, meaningful present or it could possibly be used for my car key?! Either way with all my new library and the Macmillans being behind a good bit of it I thought some support their way should not be a bad one. 

Maybe I have to make another festival or something along those lines but either pair up Headway with Macmillan or do 2 events? If you are as me a very unfortunate person gifted with these ailments you just have to work twice as hard I having fun whilst opening the “unsee-ers” eyes to what goes on in your life!

The chemo has been forwarded to Wednesday! Meetings with oncologist, specialists, breast nurses etc booked in for Monday and Tuesday. A full week of wonders ahead!

I love the fact I have such a strong support and network of wonderful friends and people willing to share their time for not only me but for my whole family.

March is apparently a female friendly month with the 8/3 as International Woman’s Day. Let’s hope there is power to be had from that!

Now I will try and sleep in the city that ROCKS! It’s a Saturday night with all the wonders and sounds unfamiliar to a Swedish country girl from Mallorca.

Keep smiling 🙂 There are so many beautiful things and people around you. Let them in and touch your soul. Even just a little company for any force fed soul of digital media (sorry blog) can create wonderful new wings for tired spirits. 

Today I will yet again be luminous. Not because of my natural inner glow some people possess but from radioactive colored fluid that will get pumped into my tumor. This will make it possible for the surgeon to find what lymph node is connected to remove the right one! It’s all new science to me and you have to learn it all and so quickly.

I had a lovely online chat to an old friend of mine who is a doctor. She works with children and with them she finds it useful to name the tumors. I had 2 official tumors from the contrast MRI but the radiologist here in London found a third little one hiding behind my nipple. So the biggest tumor she named Brenda. It’s tail she named Brittany. The hiding mysterious one she called Nina. I had such a laugh and it’s true naming them helps! They now have personalities and as I’m not allowed to get to fond of them as we are now trying to kill them. I think the motto “know your enemy” comes handy.

Tomorrow I have the removal of the lymph node. They are also going to put in a “port-a-cath”. It’s an inplantable venous access system. It means that they don’t have to go through my arm veins to administer the chemo. 

In Swedish the translation of chemo is “cell-poison” which even though it’s a bit harsher is truer.

The chemo will start next Thursday. And then for the next six months every third Thursday I will have a chemo day. I will try and add something else to this day to make it more bearable, survivable, I’m not going to stretch to enjoyable but you get my thinking…

I’ve had 2 breast nurses appointed to me. They are fabulous and have all sort of beautiful information packs for any question I might have! During all the meetings with surgeons/anethiatists/oncologists they are there offering their support and helping hand. Not both at the same time but always one of them. I now have a library of information, all from books written to make children understand cancer a little bit better to the technologal super wonder tools as the “port-a-cath”. The way flying happens nowadays I need to book another 2 luggage to my Ryan air or Easyjet going home. My new library will need it!

Part of the library is a booklet called “advise and support if you lose your hair”. Well that’s some joyful reading for you! Many people say nowadays you don’t lose your hair “that much” on chemo. I guess they don’t have the same cancer as I have. In the following 5 booklets of the different chemo drugs I will have its not a matter of “if” it’s more a statement of “when” you lose your hair. We have discussed this with the nurses and doctors. There is an ice-bucket challenge for real that you can use to defend your hair follicles. But instead of the second of iced water running off you the ice bucket will be on your head 30 minutes before chemo starts, it will take between 40-180 minutes depending on what drugs will be inserted, and then you have to leave it on for a further 2 hours afterwards to keep follicles cool. By this time I think brain-freeze will have a new meaning.

At least at yesterday’s meeting good news! The 3 tumors are all related! This means they will all respond to the same treatment. Even sneaky Nina which I knew they were a bit worried about. My CT scan came back clear and my neurologist (because of the TBI I get one of those as well) saw no reason for the treatment not to go ahead. He stated as I already suffer from tiredness, the fatigue might be a little stronger for me. But he was quite impressed by my so far recovery, and managed to book me in with a psychiatrist when I’m here. To get me to work on techniques of how to slow down my temper… I do have a fairly short fuse… As I’m sure my poor family have suffered with the last couple of years.

Lots to take in and lots to learn. Dan went back to the kids today and my mother is flying in to chaperone me. I will now be in London until next Sunday when I’m allowed to fly! So any suggestions on good movies to see, places to eat, art exhibitions not missable. Well as I’m in London I might just as well be a little tourist about it! 

Keep smiling 🙂 don’t worry about anything, Irish saying; you are either gonna live or you gonna die. If you live don’t worry and if you gonna die you’ll meet so many old friends that you don’t have time to worry!

I have now started on my treatment

I’m in London. Harley Street has the best of european medical people so I am in good hands. This week is mostly about more tests and trials to get to know what I’m up against.

The sad thing is that even though I know all the tests are for my benefit, after 5 hours of probing and testing I am tired to a point of disbelief. I think it’s always better to know what you are up against. If you are supposed to face 15 injections I’d rather think I’m about to face 16 injections just to have that little bonus of finishing one early! I think everybody faces pain and problems differently. My way of the “head on approach”, is probably a little unusual for “normal” patients, but for me it’s crucial! 

For me the day was almost over after contrast MRI’s of both brain and chest. A “small” meeting with the surgeon had been booked on to the end of my day. I thought it was only going to discuss Saturday’s operation so I went there tired, calm, collected. I had already had all my days worth of nasty needles and pushing parts of my body down narrow pathways for probing and scanning.

The 5pm appointment finished in a “fitting” of 3 “markers” in suspected “areas”. 6 more biopcies. I have not yet gone in to what a biopcy involves. Think knitting needle size needle and hammer. Think noise. Think apparatus looking like things from a German torture chamber. Sophisticated, strong, but clearly from the 1940’s. There is little pain involved thanks to anasthetics. The pain is actually more involving the anasthetic being put in.

Anyway now I’ve been through this impressive act of tissue taking from underarm and chest. And my thoughts are with all the men with suspected cancer in their neither regions… Or with the doctors collecting said tissue samples… I guess the same probing and hammering of knitting needles would be done in a mans private area… Ouch!

To be honest with you I thought I knew what being a patient involved. I’d like to see myself as a “client”. Clearly involved in whatever process will be thrown at me. Adult like response and choice of said treatments. Here I’m like a 5 year old child again. It’s possibly because of the enormity of this new problem. Possibly that I couldn’t imagine being an animal for testing… Maybe I’ve just gone around this the wrong way. The TBI that was thrown upon me kind of sneaked up on me, clearly not on my family but as I was in a coma I wasn’t aware of what was happening to me. Now I’m part of the “action plan of attack” and maybe I just need a little time to adapt. I’m sure I’ll be a great patient/client given time…

Keep smiling 🙂 it might be 4 o’clock in the morning but you feel inspired and creative enough to get up and get going!

Here I might add I should put something about the eye operation I had 5 days ago. 

A ground breaking, muscle cutting eye operation. I went under a general anasthetic, the op was fairly straight forward and vision should get better. Less double but not 100%. But at least I should no longer suffer so much with double vision when I get tired. 

The sad truth is that even though I’ve had the op. It went ok. I’m now back at home. I had some really bad news before I left for England. The kind of news you never would like to get, not that I’ve not had my share of bad news in the past couple of years. I’ve been diagnosed with cancer. And the tumor according to the Spanish doctor had to come out as soon as possible. Luckily my husband is one of a kind and as we already were in London he arranged meetings with specialists in Harley Street. They suggested a chemo to shrink the tumor before removing it, this would make it possible to just remove the tumour rather than all of my chest.

I’ve had to be careful in who I tell this new news. People are more sensitive than me. They break down. Sometimes in front of me. It’s not that great. And I can relate to their fury and feeling of disbelief. Of course I’m right in the middle of it all. Again. It’s like I’m looking to be the centre of attention. Well again I think I’ve managed it. If not in a coma/mother of 3 girls under 7/ half broken/ now riddled by cancer. 

It’s ok, I’m gonna beat this as I am sure to conquer all other nasty things thrown my way. I’ve now managed to break the news to my fabulous 3 daughters. Tonight I’m traveling back to England again. To start my chemo and other tests. It’s not what I had hoped for. I thought 2015 for me would be a year to start jumping again.

Maybe 2015 instead will be a year of finally getting some insight into how I should become a better person. A more tolerant person. Someone who can stand up to all this agony and evil and laugh at it……. Maybe someone slightly insane……. That could be me!

Keep smiling 🙂 it will make the wicked of the world wonder.







I read something hilarious today, “it doesn’t matter if you don’t have a loved one for Valentine’s Day, most people who celebrate world HIV day don’t have AIDS…” Ah well, it made me smile a little.
So time flies! I have not been updating you at all as I am busy trying to live my life… As normal as I can.
I still get extreme tiredness, when this happens I am too tired to write about it, when it stops I am too busy getting things done again that I might have missed out on. Oh life. It’s such a wheel. You just get going in a roll and for me it just continues, until I physically can’t do any more. I have always lacked a little and am still lacking the ability to slow down… I’m just not very good at it.
So here for a short update.
I was in England in January and it was confirmed I have double vision as a result of muscles on left side is pulling eye in wrong direction. I am cross eyed. Well hell no, people will say that meet me on a daily basis, you are not crossed eyed. We can’t see it! Well apparently I can be cross eyed, just a little bit and it’s enough to make my vision double. Especially when I’m tired. Then I see everything twice… And one of the images are sideways and slightly ahead of the other one. Driving a car or jumping a horse is a slight no no… At least when I’m tired. Closing one eye helps…
Well I was lucky enough to get an appointment for an eye op here in February. So next week I will fly over to London and spend a few days before the operation. The doctor said the operation is straight forward and you basically go in for the op in the morning and you are allowed back home in the afternoon.
So at least I will hopefully get back to my single vision again. And maybe then I can start jumping a little again? I have during the last couple of days been helping a friend with her dressage horse so maybe this is a sign of the path I should take from here on?
As long as I don’t become an eventer my friend Sammy thinks it’s ok.

Keep Smiling 🙂 if you can still feel the highs as well as the lows you are still able to feel!!! Happy Valentine’s Day

I stop myself some days. This is one of those days. I stop and think. How lucky I am to still be here. To still be able to do these things.
We have travelled as a family unit to the Austrian alp town of Sant Anton. Here the kids are experiencing snow for the first time, and I am rediscovering standing on skis!
Today was the first real ski day. We had a 3 hour lesson. It almost ended in tears as I hit an energy low “bonking bad” after about 2 hrs and 12min. To completely run out any steam on top of a mountain. Not having enough energy to see clearly let alone ski downhill. My double vision kicked in high speed and it took me a good 15min to do a very easy run and I finished having to take the gondola egg lift back down. A bit of a shame but good overall and when I managed to get down and have a hot chocolate I joined my 2 oldest daughters during their ski lesson… Flying V’s in serpentines!!! Awesome!
At the end I realize I should just be happy. For an abundance of things. I have to stop myself sometimes, just to think back of where I was very recently.
At the moment it’s my recurring double vision which is my enemy… I’m not so sure I should see “him” as an enemy, sometimes when I watch something that I love it makes me happy to see twice of it! But come January I am going to London to see an eye specialist to see if something can be done about the eyes…

Keep smiling 🙂 the snow keeps falling on beautiful mountains! Some things should have no color and be very cold to be perfect!

The middle of November 2014 seamed like a good time to do my comeback!
As a show jumper that is.
Lara was on her upmost best behavior and we decided just to jump the 1meter class.
Warming up I probably jumped more fences consecutively than I have done In the last 18 months but it was ok!
I do still suffer from double vision but when I either ignore it or decide to follow only one of my “visions” it’s alright. I probably wouldn’t jump anything much bigger than 1 meter when I have the double vision. It’s not that I have 2 identical images side by side, they are kind of on top slightly slotted next to each other, slightly on an angle… I promise not great for deciding distance!
I tried closing one eye and that was better… But then I closed the other eye. Disaster! I didn’t close them both at the same time because that would have been beyond stupid, but I came to the realization on the way to a small-ish vertical in the warm-up that I am not only right handed I am also very right eyed! Closing my right eye made the approach impossible. The “distance-depth” to fence was unreadable! By relaying on the right eye was much better.

I will venture on in trying to improve this silly double vision thingie…

Keep Smiling 🙂
When I’m tired you brighten my day doubly!!!

Hello people!
I am now trying to look forward to what’s to happen in my life.
As the world looks like it’s nearing it’s definite end I’m beginning to feel ok again. More energy to do “normal things”. I can now cook and do some shopping for house items.
We have started our rebuild at home. Changing the kitchen and downstairs.

Well I started to write this a couple of weeks ago. Since then I have jetted around Europe. I’ve found a new member to my team of jumpers. I have managed to go to Stockholm to go to the Sweden International Show, which is now held at “the pre-gates of hell”, Sweden national arena “Friends” (more like ‘fiend arena’ as it’s also the homegrown for my team Djurgardens arch rivals aik.)

I survived! And better yet the show was a success!!! So maybe they will start using Friends arena for more horse related stuff?

I have started my come back career…jumping 1mtr at a club show. It’s a bit crazy with the double vision at times but I find closing one eye helps.

My new goal is to get stronger, more positive, keep jumping, find out a solution for the double vision, possible find time to stay creative, not bore people, be nice to my family.

For Christmas we are planning to stay at home!

Keep Smiling 🙂
Stay true to yourself

So much can happen in such short space of time…

And so the world continues turning. Days are flying past us, cocky days flaunting themselves but somehow untouchable.
It feels like we are treading water. To move forward seams like a huge effort. On the same time I meet people and they all say:-“wow! You look well!!” So that means I can’t look as non-moving as I feel?
October flew by. It was so hot! The kids were all in school and the clocks “fell” backwards. In fall they fall apparently in spring they spring forward so the fall has now landed with wintertime wedged and slowing us down a little more.
Working with horses in wintertime with summer heat is a new experience for me. Even when you start pretty early you just don’t have time to finish working all horses in “pleasant” heat. I normally start around 8.30 and by 10.30 it was already +30 degrees with standing still air and humidity… One feels for the horses but now we have had the first 2 days of torrential rain and the heat has come down to a more pleasant 20-22 degrees.
My facial blindness is totally freaking me out some days. I can be introduced to a person and have a full on conversation with them and meet them the next day wearing something different and I just won’t know it’s them… Scary! I feel maybe it’s like Alzheimer? Details of conversations people insists we have had, so it might not only be a facial recognition problem, it could be a general lack of short term memory? Why stop at sort term? I don’t remember much long term either. My vocabulary has shrunk. Not only in English, but Swedish as well. I hope not to dull my writing due to my sparse vocab, but it’s a clear worry so I excuse my lack of exuberant words.
But as the time flies by, people think I look good! That I take as a note that they can’t see my disabilities any more, and this is from people that know what to look for when they meet me!
I have continued to travel without wheelchair assistance and I feel like a grown up! Ok I can admit I miss some of the wheel chair assistant drivers/pushers that gently sung their ways straight pass my inner ear drums to torture and wrench any dignity out of Celine Dion songs… Why oh who do they insist on howling tunes by the Canadian?
I will leave you now with some cheery thoughts! One month and 6 days until Santa Lucia and 47 days until Christmas!

Keep Smiling 🙂 grab your inner fears and scrutinize, if you let go and just feel for a bit, all will be well.

It’s the 3/10. It will always be with me. A reminder. My own personal nine-eleven. 2 years to the day of the horrific accident.

I am no further in knowing why I had the accident but probably or possibly because of that I got totally whacked today. I just had no energy, well it’s all comparative I guess. I’ve ridden 4 horses and given 3 lessons today as well as going to the federation to get Myrna licensed to ride. Anyway it made me so tired I’ve been sofa bound for the evening.

I’ve started to use a new tool.
Jawbone!
It’s incredible. You wear it all the time and it calculates what you do and how you do it! Everything from steps you take to how you sleep.
If you want to know more you can add in what you eat and when you eat to see if your energy levels are correct or if you are like me- a freak of nature.
I actually don’t need any more proof, but as I have the technology I am now overly sure I am different from most people. Call me a freak, but at least I’m a survivor!
In this enormous heat in Mallorca I am forced not to run. As running might kill me. Literally kill me. It’s been unbelievably hot here. So even though I previously ran this summer, now I’m not running, but I blamed it on the heat. Now I instead blame my special anniversary/ tiredness.

Tomorrow is a better day. It’s bigger. It’s got a 4 in it, and as I am not chinese I am a strong believer that 4 is a lucky number!

Keep smiling 🙂 luckily age will make you forget things… Or so I hear… Can’t remember!