It’s all been sorted! I didn’t want to keep you in a limbo fearing for my safety! I am married to my own personal super hero! He managed to fight the system and together with inside help from the hospital we managed to get my immunesystem booster!

I’ve been doing some digging as well as being plentiful informed of the nature of said booster. I know why they are resistant to giving it in Sweden (cost) but I cannot understand why they fight it here in Spain as we pay for it anyway… But it could maybe be side effects? (Sore muscles and bones) Or that you can only get it through hospital (fear of giving away things you can inject yourself with?)

Now I’ve met my Spanish oncologist and he seams a nice guy. He will in reality only do the “post treatment” of radiation and herceptin after my operation in September if it all goes to plan but it’s good that all of my information of ongoing treatments will be on a file system in Mallorca. He was very honest and a little bit blunt partly because of his English and partly because of being Spanish. He said “-you know with this treatment you are going to lose your hair” -Ah well, yes, there is an 80% chance of me losing my hair but I might belong to the spare 20%? “-No, no in 2 weeks after your first chemo it will be all gone!” Ok that’s settled then.

My biggest or shall I say only worry is the shape of my head. What if I have a really weird shape? The Man City football player Vincent Kompany comes into my mind. Very unfortunate shape. The shape of ones head gives connotations to other people’s appreciation of your intellect/sassiness/style. I am preparing myself as the shape of my head will maybe change the way of how I see myself?

Luckily a lot of sport happens around us right now. One of the finest things happened! The golden hornets are top of the leauge. Come on Watford! 

Keep Smiling 🙂 the shape of your head might surprise you!





Here comes a chapter about day 8 after chemo. I’ve been very good at grading pain and nausea over the past week. I’ve done a chart with medicines contra pain/nausea relief.

On Monday I finished my antibiotics I was on after the chemo. I then also stopped taking the pain killers I had been on since last week. The nausea slowly got less and yesterday finished for real! Food still taste weird/unusual and energy levels have been a bit low but I could feel everything going in the right direction!

Then I woke up this morning. A small child climbed into my bed for a morning cuddle and all I could feel was pain. Aching from the bottom of my pelvis spiraling down my limbs and radiating through every joint in my body. I couldn’t lie down. I tried sitting up and then the pain twin-folded. Only standing up either slightly leaning forward or walking in a small circle could ease the worst of the pain. It was seriously scary. As at the same time I tried to read the macmillans website about possible side effects to chemo, but I couldn’t find it. After an hour of crying/swearing/shivering and mostly standing, I decided to restart the painkillers I still had. When you started them you always started with a double dose.

After another hour I was almost pain-free! I got hold of some people in the UK that said that I needed to do a blood sample today to see where my whiteblood cell count and immune system was. They said that joint pain could be a side effect of the chemo or the immune boost injection I had a week ago.

I went to my local hospital to do the blood test. They were then supposed to fax the results back to LOC in London. Me and Dan then managed to squeeze in a lunch at lovely Perrito cafe in Santa Catalina. I felt almost normal planning this summers holidays, well as normal as you can planning it between bursts of chemotherapy.

Then my phone called. It was a doctor from the LOC. They had my values back from the blood sample. Not a white blood cell count to be proud of. Nearly “null” immune system, I was ordered to stay away from sick people (more than before) and to get 3 more immune boosting injections (so my joints can get a little more sore!). Well I give you a mission to try and get any Spanish doctor to agree giving the immune boosting injections to someone who isn’t already properly ill. Good luck with that. Maybe add that the patient has a low immunesystem before chemo and after her TBI some 2 1/2 years ago gets severely infected when she does catch something. My husband and I have called every possibility, every long line of friends on the island to try and get hold of the injections. (The only thing I haven’t tried is my vet) The LOC has called us another 3 times to hear about how we are getting on getting the injections. In the end they decided to put me on antibiotics again. So for my safety I am again eating another 5 days antibiotics. I feel ok so far, my youngest daughter Millie is a little more tired than usual and as I have to be so careful we are taking her temperature about once an hour. She has been told she is not allowed to sit in my lap which makes me irresistible to her! Forbidden fruit! 

But that has also been a theme throughout the day, people saying that fruit is bad for cancer patients. That you need to starve off sugar and that includes fruit sugar to become cancer free. They then say all you can eat are green vegetables as they are the only thing you can eat not feeding your cancer… At the moment it’s all a bit too much to take in, and I also went past the Swedish food shop in Santa Catalina finding a few favorites like Kex chocolate/ dammsugare (greenies) and some liqorish chocholate. They made their way into my handbag and now back in my house! I will go through my diet properly tomorrow when there is more time to think.

Keep smiling 🙂 all of a sudden your diet will make sense! Until then be happy over the senseless beauty of Swedish treats!

2 days at home and even though I am an eighth of the person I normally would be I am here, surrounded by my lovely family! Myrna had managed to lose 2 teeth! She is now according to Mel 6 teeth year!

I don’t have much strength to do anything, even just walking upstairs is a bit of a hassle. Well hassle isn’t really a word for it, running a marathon would feel easier in my previous body than walking up those stairs in this chemo plumped one. Nausea has gotten better! For the last two days it’s been horrible but today it’s easing a little. I think the ginger tea and ginger snacks really help! I might get someone to pick me up some ginger snaps!

Food has changed taste. It’s so strange. You think you know what food should appeal to you. Especially if you are feeling nauseous, but no, chemo compleatly changes how you taste things. Nausea gets improved after eating, but the plainer the better. At the moment pasta pesto is a winner! As well as toast with butter on. I’ve done a lot of reading on what you should eat when you have chemo. To make things more bearable. An article I read yesterday compared giving fruits to cancer patients to give spirits to alcoholics! The cancer cells according to the author can’t feed if the body is in ketosis. This means no or low carbs and lots of fat and protein… I’m not against this theory, but I have done the Atkins diet before and that made me so nauseous! Eating just eggs for breakfast is something I would only do if I felt really well to begin with. I don’t see how I could put my body in to ketosis state anytime soon… Well well you live and you learn.

Today my house has had visitors! I’ve been able to walk around and show the new kitchen and some of the building works! It’s brilliant, almost finished now! Although of course as we are coming up to the “finish line” new problems appear. We have a new water leak for example… And new cracks in walls. Not to worry. I’m sure it will all get sorted.

My last visit of today was one of my husbands cycling friends. Before I was diagnosed with cancer I had decided to pimp one of my road bikes into a “real” bike. Changing the handle bar and pedals. Get a more comfy seat. I was going to use it to get to the stable and go for local rides. A bit more upright and using normal shoes. Before all of this I saw it as a great plan to get into biking again. John brought her back today! And she is a thing of beauty! She is wonderful with her new pink handles! I felt like a 5 year old being presented with my first bike without stabilizers. I’m not sure I’d manage to ride it right now but at least now I have something to look forward to!

Keep smiling 🙂 soon I will ride again!!!

So after nearly 2 weeks away from my family I am on my way home. Just landed for a transfer in Madrid as all the direct flights were fully booked on such short notice. I blame it on St Patric’s days celebrations in Magaluf.

The last couple of days have been testing. I wish I had cravings for sour regurgitation. But as i don’t, it mostly means that I feel sick all the time. Sick and shaky. And tired. So tired I can fall asleep most anywhere and any time. So that in itself isn’t too bad, it’s the combo of tiredness, shakiness and sickness that just isn’t a qualifiable quality for good rest.

Yesterday my lovely second cousin Tony came up to our flat to see us. He was the bringer of gifts. All things ginger and anti-nausea that you could think of as well as travel sickness bands, tea, hand creams… Wow! Thank you so much Tony! Your tea has been a lifesaver a couple of times already!

I managed to go and see the Warhorse! What a performance! The giant puppets that were the horses, were although they were “puppeteered” by 3 grown men they became real horses on stage. So beautiful. They got every movement of the horse. It was quite dark and I don’t think I would take my girls to see it for another couple of years, I think they are coming up to Cats age soon.

I’ve had so much support and help from all over. Thank you all of you that have given some time and thought. Really can’t wait to get home now. One more flight to go!!!!

Keep Smiling 🙂 soon I’ll get to hug my family again!

I know it’s a said truth Maysis can be a part of the process when it comes to chemo. Yesterday I woke up at 4am feeling like I was on a ship and it was really stormy. The whole world was spinning and I was shaking. I was worried I was getting sick so I used my new thermometer for the first time. Apparently at 37.5 degrees you have to contact the LOC (London Oncology Centre) and at 38 degrees you have to go to hospital. I’m normally not a fuzzy person but these rules have been firmly slapped on me for the last couple of weeks. Yesterday morning I waited until 9.30 to take my temperature, it was 36.7! High five me!

The problem is I get tablets against the nausea. I get 3 tablets per day. Yesterday I took the first at 4.30am the second around 11.30am the third one at 6.40pm and the day was still broken up by me having to lie down for a short sleep twice. It was mums birthday so my aim was just to be able to go out for a short early dinner at next door restaurant with my mum and mother in law. Mission completed! 

We came back home at 8.30pm to watch some of Red Nose Day on telly. After seeing Stephen Hawkins turning in to a transformer and zapping up the annoying carer (played by David Wallians) it was again time for bed.

At 1am I woke up again. Not too nauseas but as I’d already had my sleep during the day, my body wasn’t all tuned in to go to sleep. Then came 1.35 and a wave of nausea. I now think time is somewhere in region of 2.30am. I can’t take my anti nausea tablet because that will screw up my day and today we are booked in to see War Horse at Drury lane so I really need to be on top form at 2.30pm.

I have mentally set my dosing of medicine:

Anti sickness 6am 1pm 7pm

Antibiotics 6am 12pm 16pm 20pm

Pain killer 6am 12pm 7pm (if needed)

Steroids after breakfast, after lunch

The other meds have been finished. As they were more for first and second day of treatment. I still have 3 more possible meds, but unfortunately neither of them is against nausea. I’m not sure what to do now. Fully awake in a Friday night London. Not as loud as the Saturday night last week but I’m too much of a country bumpkin to ignore  the strange sounds of sirens and bottle bank emptyings. My curiosity/imagination for following up compleatly made-up-in-my-head accidents/special finds/terror attacks/biological war fare really does not help to settle me back to sleep. Nor does the ongoing nausea/sickness.

I just thought I’d get this out there. I’ve sworn to myself to be the best and strongest I can be. If this is it, I’m not sure I’m cut out for this “job”, but what won’t kill you makes you stronger they say, well Hulk move over, I’m coming to get you!

Oh and thank you everyone that sends me emails of encouragements/comments on here or Facebook/Instagram/Twitter I know for many it’s not “their thing” the whole digital media, but it definitely makes me feel less lonely here!

Keep smiling 🙂 it actually makes you feel less sick!!!!

Today I was bound for my wig fitting. We went to Selfridges, Oxford Street. As it was the first day after the chemo I was quite tired. I woke up feeling nauseous but I took 1 of my 11 prescribed drugs and it seamed to settle the seasickness in bed syndrome. We (me and mum) were supposed to walk to Selfridges but decided to take a taxi.

I arrived 2 hours before fitting so we had a tea break and a little bit of shopping instead. The fitting was painless. I found a wig that felt almost like me. It’s quite short a little blond but with proper roots in darker, so it does feel like real hair! I think it will be fine for every day wear, or I’ve bought a hat that I could use as well. 

Then we had lunch. After lunch we went back home. I had to inject myself with an immune system booster. I asked if mum wanted to watch. She misunderstood and thought I wanted her to inject me. I’ve seen her injecting horses so I thought hell no!!!

As I started injecting my belly mum was oooing  and aaaring, commenting all the way -more force!!! -harder!!! -oooo, the needle snapped!!! There is no needle!!! (Screaming at this stage)

The injecting syringe was a safety one that “swallowed” the needle into itself when the injection was done! After the injection I had worn mum out and she stayed at home to rest when I went for my last meeting with the surgeon.

There was good and bad news. The good news were all the operation scars looked good! Surgery had gone to plan! The not so good news was the disection of the lymph node had come back with cancer cells. The cancer being HER2+ means that the proteins are a bit faster and more vicious moving. They were not too worried. They keep extra control on the other lymph nodes during the next 6 months. Then when we have the operation in September, they will remove the rest of the lymph nodes. I feel ignorance is brilliance in a way nowadays! It’s nice to know things but in the same way it’s such relief not knowing some details. Well when you can relax and just go with it, not feeling too tired to fall asleep, thinking and brewing thought patterns.

The evening was spent with my lovely cousin Aletta. She works in London and could come to see me straight after work. We had booked a table at the Ritz hotel for High tea!

It was nothing short of brilliant! I can only say, I do not recommend to go to a High tea at the Ritz the day after chemo. It was delicious, no doubt, but there was so much of it! I could eat maybe a third of what we were given. And I’m still in a mode of complete fullness 3 hours after we have arrived back home. Hence blog writing seams on the card!

Tomorrow we wait a few more days here to make sure I can fly back on Sunday. I miss my girls and Dan! I wish they could be here, but maybe for them it’s better they are over there. 

Keep smiling 🙂 even with very short hair you can rock it!



Its been had. The pink poison has been delivered into my veins and I am now starting to feel a little bit tired from it. A long day, almost finished. I thought I’d update you all on the process.

At 8.30am the treatment was booked in to start. Me accompanied by my mum. I was fasting as the blood sample they needed to take would show off a more accurate figure if I was fasting. I have very high cholesterol on top of everything else, so they just wanted to make triply sure if I needed to start taking statins against it or not. I can hear a ton of you shouting at the computer! “Don’t do it!!! Statins not the answer!!” And I agree. I’m really the first person to agree to disagree about any long term medications. I would love to say the politically correct reason for me to dislike medicines, but to tell you the truth it’s mostly just 2 reasons that make me hate meds:

1. They have side effects that you can’t control. They make you fat or moody. I mean seldom do they make you glamorous, thin and energized…

2. There is a firm possibility you will forget to take it… Well then what? Are enough studies made on people who “neglect” their meds for a couple of days? No I don’t think so either. 

I know at the end of this chemo I have to go on 5 years worth of hormone stopping meds. To really kill off any possibility of the cancer returning in any form. But that’s different. I know the reason, I basically have “bought the t-shirt”, and to prevent the food of the cancer which in my case feeds on hormones, there is just one way, get rid of them… Hormones can be good for quite a lot of things in life. 3 of my best assets are thanks to my hormones I guess. (My 3 lovely girls) and although in years to come (their teenage years) I might curse the hormones, in the same way I will be thankful that I’ve had some even though they have ended up supporting the killing team… Move over hormones, you are next on the list!!!!

We came to the Dungeon of Dread which I had re-named to the Dungeon of Death to the horror of the 20 year something nurse that was looking after me. Because my “port-a-cath” was so new they decided to put the catheter in my vein in the hand instead. 2 failed attempts from the young nurse another nurse stepped in (also young and Irish). She managed after one fail to put the needle in and attach the tubes for the drip. She took the fasting blood samples and by this time I was getting really hungry.

After another 40 minutes they came back to say one of the blood samples either had or hadn’t coagulated. Hence the reason more blood had to be pulled but from a new site as the saline apparently had made the catheter unusable… Ok so needle inserted in another space in the hand again. This was all done on the left hand as I have had a lymph node taken out under my right arm. Blood taken again and finally I could have some breakfast!!!

Whilst breakfast was given my fancy headwear was being fitted and turned on. It has to go on really tight and first they wet your hair and add conditioner to it. Then they strap on the helmet. “Oh you should be used to this being a rider and all”… I heard the strapping down nurse saying. She literally couldn’t have strapped it any harder. It was hard opening my mouth so eating breakfast was out of the question. I asked her to give a little slack on the chin strap. Then the machine was turned on. Had I not already been in so much pain from the arm, I still think it would have been too much! I don’t often cry, but I could feel myself welling up.

After breakfast the young nurse arrived again and started to pour the “E” compound into the catheter. It has to be done manually and has to be mixed with saline on its way in. The “C” compound is much friendlier and easier to administrate. We had gone through the possible side effects of the chemos a hundred times it seams yet there are always new ones creeping up. The bleeding gums and today a lot of focus on constipation. After 15 minutes trying to administer “E” to my vein and failing hopelessly as my vein decided it didn’t wanna play today. I could add another “possible side effect” to the list: me accidentally killing a nurse for stabbing my veins…

Another nurse came down to the dungeon. The head main man for blood extraction. He had one go with a wider needle. Stabbed a couple of times and after causing me some more pain he decided to call it the day. No more veins were in sight on that left arm and hand. They had used their electric blanket to try and conn my veins out of hiding, but to no avail. 

The superior head nurse came in and explained it wasn’t safe to use any of my narrow nasty veins. I could come back on Friday and use the “port-a-cath” as they didn’t like to use a “newly fitted” one. Mum started to call it my “port-a-loo” and she’s not wrong there. We were going back and forwards with the pros and cons of doing the chemo on Friday. Of course at the end you would do what is safe for you. If the “E” would come in contact with any of my skin or tissue it would burn it. That’s why they are so careful administering the drugs.

We waited for them to get hold of my boss woman, Dr Jones. She wasn’t happy. They were all told off I think as they shamefully came back to me with a “plan C”(sorry not the “C” drug it gets a bit confusing…) I was going to have the chemo today. They were going to use the “port-a-loo”! In the waiting game they had turned my helmet off and after wearing it for a good two hours I can’t say it was still painful. Uncomfortable yes, but not painful. But I was so cold. All of my hands, legs but first and foremost head ofcourse. They had removed it and I had dried my cm spiky hair. Mum touched my scalp and yelped! I got two nurses in my little “hut” and we started the conversation hat or no hat. It’s only a 50% chance that it will work. Most of the time you will only keep some hair… I think that’s almost worse. Thin hair that you have to be so careful with not to destroy…. Weighing up the issues on the one hand a possibility to maybe keep some hair with the combination off adding 2 1/2 hours to every chemotherapy session OR just hope you are one of the 20% that magically keeps their hair and just enjoy (?) chemo as a quiet time. For reflection not just pain and cold.

I decided to go hatless for the rest of the treatment and when they used the”port-a-cath” it went really smoothly. I was finished at 3.30pm and I could leave! I didn’t have to wait with the cold hat until 5.30pm! A small victory in it self.

We went back to the flat but as I had been in all day I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. I brought a Chocholate box bought at Fortnum & Mason and a card to lovely Max the hairdresser at MichelJohn’s. His surprised delight to see me and to receive his gift was priceless! In the card I did leave a note that I was writing about him here. Let’s hope he can read my handwriting and can see everything good he has done in the world. Well in my world that is!!!

I was contacted by a young girl from Mallorca. The strange thing is she contacted me the time in January I was over looking at horses as she wanted me to find her one. After the videos I made and sent to her it all went a bit quiet from her. Well I had my own problems and when you scout horses for people that you don’t teach and know well you don’t know if they will go for the type of horses you think could be good. I didn’t worry but then I heard that she had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She had her second op yesterday and she is so brave. I think she is using my blog as an English practice but she also told me it gives her energy and positive inspired optimism! (Her words!!) that’s an incredible feeling so Neus here is for you! Besos grandes!

A slow stroll through Mayfair with mum in a lovely early evening. Some shopping of rare books might have happened as well as some secret purchase for my lovely husband. It’s hard when you have treatment in a different country from where your family is. I’m not sure who it’s harder for. I think them. Here I have a schedule every day. I know what I’m up to every day, but I’m in a new environment. I guess at home there is a small shaped hole on the sofa. Many cuddles to be missed out on. I think my dog Smilla (well technically she belongs to Myrna) misses me the most. Her and Jack (the other Miniature Jack Russel) are telepathicly tuned into my whereabouts. They know roughly as soon as I know that I am going somewhere. That being a day ahead or 2 weeks. Very strange.

Now back at the flat and other than me being exhausted there are no other side effects so far! Fingers crossed!

Keep Smiling 🙂 Your loved ones can feel your love even when you are removed from each other! <3

Yesterday when I met the hairdresser and asked him about wigs and where to get one from, he advised me to cut the hair short before chemo as it wouldn’t be so dramatically noticible and such a sharp change for me. As I have been growing my hair for a while, it doesn’t really fit into my 2015 plan at all, well very little of this does to be honest with you.

He gave me his card and told me to give him a call and he would fit me in today even though he was quite busy. I decided to bite the bullet and book in for a short hair cut and was booked in for a 4pm trim.

The morning started with a meeting at LOC headquarter. This is on Harley Street. Today I had a meeting with a chemo-nurse. I got an hour monologue about what would/could/might happen to me whilst having chemo. It finished off with a walk down the dungeon of dread… Or at least the treatment room where people were lined up, plugged into drips, iced hatted to the max.

Here they all had wifi, and all the patients seamed pretty calm just getting on with their lives, there wasn’t any of the death dripping fear I was anticipating to feel. It wasn’t a joyful place, but I could feel it had a purpose. Here some serious cancer killing was going down. Tomorrow I would be a part of it. Apparently they do have a chef on-site. I find that a little strange as the number one complication of the chemo is sickness… Well hey ho, if I don’t feel like throwing up there will be someone that can cook for me!

After the dungeon I was recommended to go to Selfridges to try on a wig. I got another pack of information about where I could get someone to help me fit a wig. 

I tried a couple of wigs on and realized 2 things:

I look better as a wigged blond. The brown makes me look about 60 years old.

New wigs make your head look coned shaped… This they say will alter after you wear the wig a few times. It’s hard to spend close to €300 on something you don’t like the look of. I think I will wait to get the advise from a proper wig fitter.

At 4pm I went to the hairdresser in Mayfair. It’s called MichelJohn. Max the hairdresser was there and I gave him free reins on doing what he liked with my hair. It got very short. But I think he nailed it. I look a little fierce, but in a good classical fierce way. When I went to pay they told me he didn’t want anything. He did it for free! I’m not an overly emotional person, but that service of un-expected act of decent kindness nearly got me to tears. It’s Max’s birthday tomorrow. Same day as my first chemo day and he joked about us having equally “bad” day tomorrow. Ah well I guess we have to make the best of it.

I can recommend anyone that needs a “makeover” to go to Max at MichelJohns in Mayfair! What an awesome hairdresser! When I was there the entire team came up with ideas of how to make the chemo more bearable. Wig makers, make up artists and eyebrow tattoo-ists… They knew everyone and gave me all the phone numbers to all specialists in their area.

I don’t know how I’ll feel on Thursday and Friday but I have booked in to see people. They just have to keep an open mind about me being tired and nauseous.

I hope tonight will be a night of sleep and not another night of creation!

Keep smiling 🙂 sometimes we come across people that shift our worlds with ever so slightly gentleness.

If you come from a normal active life and get thrown into the world of cancer it has an abundance of strange things happen to you. If you on the other hand come from a “normal ” super active riding/family of 3 young girls/in the process of building and changing your house around/having an operation to change your vision from double back down to single, I’m sure the affect of this transformation is almost abstractly distasteful.

I cannot believe only 2 weeks ago I was back at home riding and just getting ready to have my eye operation. I had already had the news about the cancer living inside me but it does take time to sink in, especially as I’ve had other things to think about. As a natural procedure after any General anasthetic I have taken it easy to heal from the first op (read fabulous patient that has not even once done a thing to upset any healing process). Ok, in that process I’ve travelled over Europe a couple of times, also maybe either lived in a building suite, a hotel or as a guest in my in-laws, or my sisters. We haven’t probably sported a “normal” home life since October really… Poor kids! But I shouldn’t ramble so much, the biggest change is how little physical activity I have manged to do in the last 16 days compared to what I am used to. 

I wear a Jawbone. It’s a bracelet that you wear and it follows up on every step you make/day. It can also monitor your sleep pattern/quality of sleep/overall activity/calories burned per day. It’s quite a fancy little tool. You can use it to wake up or just remind you to move if you have been still for too long. My Jawbone broke just before all of this mess started but I’ve had a replacement sent out for it. As I lie awake at night, probably not able to sleep for an abundance of things, I now decided to check the app on the difference in activity…

I shouldn’t have done that. On the 3/2 was the last day my Jawbone was working. I averaged 130% of activity every day (I had chosen a 10.000 steps/day as my goal). My sleep pattern was up in the 93% (here I had chosen a 7.5hrs as my optimal sleep/night) at the moment my “average” activity is down to between 25%-70% and my sleep pattern is down to an average of 50-65%. Well I can now understand how I feel so doublely different… 

I will now instead of complaining of this newfound ability to be awake in the middle of the night, be thankful for it, this is a time to be creative!

Yesterday I had my last meeting with the oncologist before the start of the chemo. She confirmed the cancer I have is the “hormone sensitive invasive HER2+”. It’s apparently a bit unusual but in the same way, useable because fabulous drugs have been developed against it. I will start the EC face of my Chemo on Wednesday and for 4 times every 3d week I will have the EC dripping through my “port-a-cath”. 

• epirubicin
• cyclophosphamide.

That’s what EC stands for. For any of you that like to google fun facts about things you hear about, one of the most “active” side effects from EC is the feeling of sickness. But I am not to worry about this apparently as anti-sickness pills will be fed to me before, during and after the procedure…

Oh Google… I think sometimes life would be easier without you! Now we can learn so much, new things that we didn’t fear before, just by a click by a button, or in my case a slide of my fingertip on a phone screen. I didn’t realise I have a fear of feeling sick. I think I got over that whilst being pregnant. I think possibly the creativeness of my mind during these wolf hours gets a little over active…

I went to a hair salon today to ask about possible wig fitting. They were so helpful! The creative director of the salon was called Max and he said I should cut my hair short before the chemo, so that if it all came out it wouldn’t be such a drastic change for me. My oncologist agreed with him, but on a more practical level, -“then you don’t have to clear the shower drain from all your hair..”

Keep smiling 🙂 tomorrow I am trying on a new style! My friend Ian recommended an Afro?!?

Most people have a day of rest and recovery after a general anesthetic. I’m not most people. Instead I took a train up to Middle East England to look at some young new talent. Young new talent having four legs and an ability to jump huge courses! Horses of course! I didn’t ride, luckily I had my lovely rider/extra sister/family member Julie driving all the way down from Blackpool to the East Midlands of rainy grayness.

Today I feel a little bit stiff. My skin tone is still a hint of greyish blue, but in the hole while I’m almost ok. I have a strict exercise regime I have to do 3-4 times/day. A 2 hour train journey might not have been everyone’s top tip for recovery but it’s been a-ok!

We have seen some lovely horses and also helping some a little bit sore and just touching the bodies of the hairy beasts has given me so much energy. It’s not just being around animals, but horses in particular gives me such strength. I almost started re-alining a horses neck and wither but I actually managed to stop myself as I’m not allowed to lift anything heavy for another 2 weeks. But grownup point for me for remembering!

Tomorrow I am looking forward to a meeting with my main doctor, doctor Jones! We will go through all the ins and outs of my coming treatments and book a plan for the day I will have as my “chemo day”. I have to go through my calendar tonight to see when works the best for tired days and days not to travel etc. As you might have gathered I am not very good at doing not a lot. I suck at taking it “easy” and even though I with this new tiredness won’t be able to not take it “easy” I find the mental block of slowing down is going to be my biggest hinder. I’ve tried visualizing myself sitting down, in the shade somewhere, wind gently blowing, maybe a small pet rolled up to me breathing comfortly, gently moving very little, gazing up through the trees… And then I hear an inwards whistle! It’s blowing so hard and loud me and my pretend pet friend wake up and stand up! We shake and feel forced to run to move to get out of there!!! All this is clearly just in my head. After all it’s just a visualization game… But I am just not very good at it.

The tiredness I have in my life even after the TBI (traumatic brain injury) I have after I’ve been doing physical activities. It’s very hard to understand how to relax and take it easy if you haven’t done anything. Well this is me worrying over things that I have no decision making prowess over. What will happen after and with chemo will happen and I will deal with it when it comes.

Keep smiling 🙂 if you happen to sit next to a miserable Swedish person on the train that won’t allow you to talk, just write a blog and make him wonder why you smile at him whilst writing!