So now tuesday. And I cannot believe how tired I am.

I have already had my physio over and she also mentioned how my balance and equilibrium has disappeared. So I’m given more exercises to do…

Even though I am ready to fall asleep at any moment. I am currently taking amentadine that is supposed to pick me up or atleast make me a little bit more awake. I have been on it for 8 days now and it’s not doing anything. If I was to be more tired than I am now I would probably be sleeping!

So I have tried to do things and train as I do as normal as possible. The tiredness can go and find someone else to beat up! So saturday and sunday both the girls came over to ride! We borrowed a pony called Pin for Mel to ride on and Myrna was on Sally. It  was great! On sunday Ottilia came and helped with Tilde so I had 4 Swedish grooms! But after we finished I was very tired.

Have just finished a training session with my physio and she told me my favourite place to rest is in a gepathology zone that is harmful for my health. Oh dear! More information to learn.

http://geopathology.com/geopathic-stress.html

So with all this I am getting ready to have acupuncture.

Keep Smiling 🙂 There are tons of things we don’t know about the world we live in.

Hello readers!

I have gone from very enthusiastic and propped up to move forward, to get tired and weighed down. Yesterday was the first time since my accident that I nearly cried.

No it’s a lie, I cried when news of Lars death came to me, but have otherwise been very composed through my hospitalisations and re-hab. But yesterday had it not been for the tough man chip on my shoulder I would have wept.

I was at doctors. It was a planned visit from the week before. I needed to go through a little bit my tiredness and get a go ahead to start riding again. But since I had been so tired I got a no-go on the riding side. It didn’t help that I didn’t have anyone with me that supported riding as re-hab.

It’s so boring. The walking. The slowness. More walking. Won’t bore you.

Today I had my first real lesson. Silvia and Rulle were in my first group back training. This in my mind is so much harder than walking a horse up and down. Ah well some people think teaching is less hard than riding. They obviously have not been around horses enough.

I have loads of new people approaching me about coming for lessons. And I guess I am ready now. Every day I get stronger and Kundalini Yoga with Linda is improving everything i think.

Keep Smiling 🙂 It’s a tough place this world we live in. But if you don’t have the hard times you do not appreciate the great times.

Ok so my erratical writing on here will stop. I will promise to make this a 2 times a week at least blog!

Today has been a very tired day. From beginning when I woke up until now. Every time I have gone somewhere, off sofa, in to kitchen to eat, to see kids in other room, I have felt dizzy and more tired than ever. Dan is back here now and he thinks it’s normal and part of recovery. I who have just talked to translator in hospital last week and was told by her that I was sleeping too much do not dare falling asleep during the day as it might damage my recovery.

Yesterday we had a huge day. In the morning walk to stable, riding out with the little ponies and lunging as well as treating horses. When I was coming with in the car to pick up Dan from the airport I was almost falling asleep, and at home it wasn’t going much better. I had almost decided to try and stay in sofa instead of joining Dan and the girls in town. Then I had a vision. Of me getting old here on sofa with no one to keep me company. That is a scary thought. At this moment all I crave is a little quiet and solace, but if you would be alone without choosing it, unthinkable.

So I gathered the strength I had and got myself walking to the car. Drunk a coffee with caffeine in to boost my energy. And we went for a 3 hours in town. Eating at a restaurant and watching the varied and vivid early night life of Palma. We saw a drum band that were amazing! So I guess yesterday took its toll, and today I am really smashed.

I am looking forward to the week ahead though. Monday, walk in morning and work with horses. Meeting with physio and doctor. Tuesday lunch with girlfriends followed by training at Son Gual and then possibly new walk (depending on how I feel) Wednesday depending on what doctor says: Ride a horse??? Thursday more walking and working with horses.

I’m afraid of everybody’s need of telling me that I need to change. To slow down. How is that even possible? My engine does not do slow, ever. I will stall. like a Ferrari engine driven with too much throttle and not enough gas. It’s mechanically wrong for me to do slow. I don’t think its part of the core me and thats where I have seen the change already. The core me is not afraid of challenge. Never bothered about tasks. Not faced by heights. The new me (the slow one) would do everything trying to avoid said challenges, tasks or heights. I don’t see how she could be me…

Hopefully I will get the go ahead from doctors and physios that riding will be ok in the coming days… I will start just walking for a bit. I am struggling with double vision when I am as tired as I am today. I really don’t need this double vision as it’s playing mayhem with my reading and writing. Never mind.

Keep Smiling 🙂 If you are close to me I’ll see 2 smiles!

And I am running! Just a short distance but hey ho.

I tried posting a video here because I actually look almost level when I run but the posting just went wrong.

Every day I walk approximately 4 km with nordic walking sticks. Then I go to the stable and groom some horses.

It’s lovely and sunny here in Mallorca now so perfect time for outdoor activities.

I have been very tired since christmas. I sleep 12-15 hours per day. Dan thinks that it’s normal but I’m not so sure. Basically when I wake up after breakfast, I could go back to sleep again. If I don’t have an afternoon lie down i collapse around 4pm.

I have today talked to my doctor about it and he said its far too much sleep. Even though the body has been through a lot, it shouldn’t respond with this much tiredness all the time. He said it could be medicines or something.

Tomorrow I have such a full day. starts 8.30 with physio then followed by a walk (might cancel this) grooming horses and 12pm psychology session. At 1.30pm I’m meeting a friend for a coffee and at 2.30 I have yoga then at 3.30 I am seeing another friend who will bring me to Manacor for food shopping for my horses.

So full on day. I’m hoping it will all work well or otherwise I have to delay or overbook the rest of my week.

It’s quite mad. But as I have to plan everything ahead as I can’t drive I get very organised. It becomes very sad when I realise how slow I am and how much time get spent doing very bog standard duties.

Dan is in the UK again. His father is not getting any better. Very sad. I am waiting for news every day.

I had a lunch with Pedro the vet a couple of days ago. He saw me at the day I had my accident. He saw me on the floor as medics where connecting tubes to me. He said he thought I was joking as I was smiling all the time. I was on the floor and smiling as tubes and wires were attached to me. The medics where talking to me but I just smiled back non-responsive. So it wasn’t until they took me off in an ambulance that he and Elena started to worry.

Any way. Tomorrow another day, today I have had no siesta so we will see when I fall asleep.

Keep smiling 🙂 Even when it’s feeling hard you only use 2 muscles in your face to smile!

Today it’s an actual 3 months since my accident.

I am still learning new things each day. Or should I put I am re learning old things in a new way each day.

It’s slow, frustrating, annoying and infuriating and yet necessary.

The new year was a whole new experience. As I’m not allowed any alcohol I cheered in water and fizzy drinks. As I don’t last much longer than 9 pm we celebrated the Mumbai new year in India! Which was at 8pm! So both me and all the children were still up to enjoy the fireworks and the Indian food!

I have such a clever husband that just comes up with more brilliant ideas to cope with my disabilities.

So January here we go. I have a few things i need to do, such as changing my core self. And a few things I want to do, such as learning to paddle surf again and get on a horse.

So what I need to do is this: Train balance every day on the hour every hour. I need to slow my core self down. It’s apparently not pretty neither clever to be a fast person. I have to learn to slow down a lot. It’s not because of my disability but rather how I’ll have to cope in the real world being an aged (my age) woman. I have to take my medicines twice a day for a year. I have to keep a good diet, gluten free and lactose low.

What I want o do is this: I want to learn to paddle surf again. Get myself a trainer that is not afraid of possibly having to rescue me from the water. I want to start riding again. Not cantering around jumping fences straight away but to work horses in walk. Yoga, to get stronger and more level. Walk in the mountains.

Things I’m not allowed to do: Drive a car. This is so annoying. Makes me dependant on other people always. Swim by my self. Scuba dive. Jump horses (yet).

My vision is still double most days which makes it really hard to read. In the morning it’s better than in the afternoons/evenings. I need to see someone about it but I have been put of by it not being a quick fix for double vision other than closing one eye with a patch. (pirate style) But the neurological doctor has recommended 12 sessions to the eye doctor which makes me think it’s going to be yet another long recovery. I’d better get used to it.

Dan scared me the other day. He said we had had a conversation at our kitchen table about some adaptors. I cannot remember the conversation at all. I knew about the adaptors so the conversation felt fake or non-me from the beginning but Dan was adamant  this conversation had taken place so I started to think I had had another haemorrhage. Then I was told brain haemorrhages never were selective in the memory loss so I would have lost a day or a weeks memory and not only a 10 min conversation. So I started to track unusual things I do. There were plenty. But ordering pan-b-oli (a country style bread) instead of bocadillo (more of a baguette style bread) for Myrna was one thing. Totally trackable as I could remember it. In fact all the odd things I did I could remember and also why I had done them. A mix up with words being the number one reason. In the end I am not sure where the conversation with Dan about the adaptors went but I think maybe he got it wrong? Maybe he talked to my mother? She is no help as she can’t remember anything either. Oh the joy! What a dysfunctional memory losing family we are.

Keep smiling 🙂 This year might sound like a struggle but we will end up newer and better on the other side

So I am vey sorry my updates are fewer every week.

It might be because my progress is slower, or I have more to do here but I think it’s because of my feeling tired all the time. I could basically go back to bed and sleep straight after breakfast. I’m not sure if this is normal. My physio here wanted to medicate against this fatigue. I decided against more medicine as I am on pretty hard core stuff as it is.

So how is my progress? I try and walk to the stable every day. There I try to brush and groom and massage one or two of my horses.

The walking gets better every day I think but walking when I’m tired makes me look like sylvester stallone in the final Rocky movie. Not good!

As the new year is drawing closer I feel almost a little relief. But I also know that 2013 is going to be one hell of a year.

I’m not allowed to drive for another 10 months.

I still can’t read because of double vision.

Small things hinder me and now small things annoy me as they hinder me where as previously I would have been super chuffed with a small thing, now I can fully remember how I used to do something and how long it used to take me.

I think my mood can be seen by people around me too. The closest suffer the mostest!

I want to add lunacy to my long list of ailments or maybe talking to greater force in my head is completely normal? Really? Is this all you have? Bring me more sorrow, more darkness and more sadness won’t you? Just bring it! My plastic bubble is coping with it somewhat, there are a few little cracks on it seeping through things a little here and there. I say bring it on! I can cope and feeling like I do now I’ll probably sleep through it!

At the moment all kids are fine. Millie  has been a little sick  over christmas but now she is better.

Millie does this phenomenal high pitch screaming around 2am. Last night I was woken up by Dan trying to sound more than her as well as her screams. It was a fantastic immense sound space in my house. And even though it was a full moon the other two daughters did not wake up!

Today I am waiting for Monica my physio to come by.

And she is putting together a work program for me for when she is on holiday.

I have lots of things to do. But very limited energy to do it. It’s not like I don’t want to do it, it’s just I can’t…Never mind I will find more energy inn this plastic bubble of mine!

I have bought new hiking sticks. This is because the other ones gave me vibrations to my left hand so it numbed everything.

I was told 3 days ago I am only allowed 1 coffee per day. That day I had started on 3 coffees getting warmed up but apperently you are only allowed one per day if you suffer from epilepsy. It hasn’t given me one yet…

Ah well, the joys of being locked in an ill body. I am tired. I think every one around me are tired. Today we are going to have lunch in Calvia. Kids mum and Dan, Adriana and Millie are staying at home.

Keep Smiling 🙂 Here the sun is shining!

Oh hello everyone! We are still here the world has not evaporated, been destroyed or disappeared. Well if it has I am unaware of it.

Today I started day by power walking to the stable and back. When I was ther I groomed Lara.

I am now back and feeling it a little. I am using Dan’s nordic walking sticks and feel almost like a pro… That is a disabled pro, getting fit for para olympic.

It was lovely weather today. A bit fresher than usual as I went out so early but very sunny.

I have been hard at work since wednesday. Walking with the sticks and practicing yoga poses. My physio Monica is concentrating on giving me massages and correct things that are wrong muscularly. I have to do the equilibrium and stamina work in my own time. I think this works better for me as I don’t get as tired any more.

Monica was getting worried about how tired I was and she wanted to put me on some medicines to pick me up. I said wait, I am trying to get a bit fitter without medicines and in January if I’m still a wreck I will try something.

Yesterday we went to the girls school end of term performance at the swedish church in Palma. Our girls were stood in front and singing 4 songs! I was very impressed as two of the songs were spanish.

Now walking I have to concentrate to put one leg in front of the other so I don’t look too much like a boxer that has shat himself. I also have exercises with knees high. This I am doing in front of mirror so that I can see if I’m out of sync.

Out of sync is my middle name right now. Everything I do is slightly or totally out of sync. I don’t mind though as people see there is something wrong with me, and avoid me. Yesterday at the Swedish church so many people came up to say hi, really nice, but I honestly have no idea of who they are or who their children are. Then again there are many kids and parents and some kids and parents I did remember! So maybe thats what I have to be happy about. Not all the faces I have lost but the ones I remember!

Keep Smiling 🙂 We still have a world to worry about!

So as you all know about being at home.

You know how long it should take to do things. Put on clothes, brush teeth, go to the loo, move from one room to the next. Times everything about 10-20 times and you will be where I am.

It used to be amazing just being able to get dressed on my own, now comes frustration.

All the people that are happy I am back might now instead be annoyed I am back but such a different person. Well I’m annoyed anyway. Ok one part of me or two parts are of course joyfully happy I’m alive and at home. But other parts of me don’t see the reason why this happened to me and why now?

I have not written about other things going on in my life as I felt it being almost too much dark dramatic story. Well it is. And it’s my dark dramatic story. The day I was released from hospital in Mallorca Lars passed away. My mothers boyfriend and her saviour. He is the first man that made her laugh again after my dad died and she and him were just on their way to start a new chapter together. Moving in to a house in Sweden together.

The irony is never lost on me. It was 2 days after the truck left with all their belongings from England, the night before the fly out to Sweden. He died the day I was supposed to go to Switzerland, but luckily we had already changed the fly out date.

My mother is so devastated. She feels like she has lost another soulmate. I don’t feel much in my protective plastic bubble but I can feel her pain. And I too miss Lars. He was a sound man with an awake mind. He is still alive in my head.

So I will tell you a story from my American healer. She saw my left side being numb. She could see where it was coming from in the brain. She also found a “Heidelberg” and wondered where it came from. My cousin that came down and stayed with me twice in Bad Schinznach lives in Heidelberg. What a weird coincidence! She said cousin had left some energy in left side and she would try to remove it as it was the wrong kind of energy, full of love but still not right for me.

When asked about my accident the healer said she saw no epilepsy attack prior to my fall. It was also earlier on the day than I thought. Apparently Harry was the first or second horse I was riding that day. The healer said outside energy took away my awareness. I will go further into this when I contact her next time.

So for the other big story when I was in my coma. I can’t remember anything from the hospital when I was in there but I have clear memory of me and my dad meeting up and discussing the family every day. I remember being flown through the sky to a stone wall, (I think it’s by Bellevere castle) and there we sat talking about everyone and everything for 30 days. It took me 2 full days after I had woken up from my coma to understand my dad has been dead almost 6 years.

i think dad was my guardian angel. I think I am happy to have him!

All the other memories from the first hospital are vague or don’t exist where as the memories from the time with my dad are still super clear.

So todays morning physio was complaining that I was already tired when she got here 8.30am. She has planned a lie in for me tomorrow so won’t start physio until 10am!

Last night Myrna was in a hugging mode. At 2am she came into my bedroom and wanted hugs. At 3.30am she wanted to give Niknak some hugs too. Nicola got the wrong end of the hugs and thought it was morning so she got up and got dressed. Waking up Millie in the process. When all the damage was done and Millie didn’t want to go back to sleep any more, Myrna came back in to my bedroom to give me more hugs again. This went on until 7am when we all got ready to actually get up and wake up Mel, who sleeps like an angel!

At this time there are more sadness to slalom through in my plastic bubble of calm. Dan’s dad is rapidly getting worse and I get reports from Dan who is in England on a daily basis. Dan wanted to come back to Mallorca and spend Christmas with the children and me but now I think he is rethinking that.

It’s a tough call. We will miss him of course but England might not survive without him there for Christmas. And I am tough even though I am still only 30% body and 75% mind. Although I have sorted out the wireless network problem we had before! So I am thinking my brain power might be coming back. Although I have looked at some code for programming and both Java and C: are gone. They are the languages I have lost in this accident! Luckily it wasn’t English or Spanish that went!

This lunchtime I spent with a friend of mine in Santa Ponca. I saw her new house and we had sushi. Special treat! Then I came back home for a special yoga session. I had my 2 friends that are yogis come over and involve themselves in my yoga program. It was awesome! Better than I had ever thought. They practice 2 different styles of YOGA. Sandra does Vinyasa and Linda does Kundalini yoga. So different and yet together I thought I could really take the best of them. I was surprised I could do downward dog without any spinning head! So now I’ll do some yoga every day as it won’t upset anything!

So in short I am making progress. Dan is still away. Mum has sad days and better days. I’m still in my protective bubble and I will keep it on as I cope so much better with all pressures with it on. Millie has been selected as next years Libero baby in Sweden. She will be on the number 4 of Libero diapers! She looks a little bit ginger on the photo but I think they must have altered it a little.

Keep Smiling 🙂 There are a few slalom gates to get through but I will yoga my way threw it clad in my lightly pink plastic bubble.

Well we have all heard about the chilly north of Europe. Snow, wind and cold. Minus 20 in Sweden at some points and minus 6 in the UK.

Well here it’s pretty warm to the point that you can’t wear a simple jacket if you go out for a walk outdoors, heaven!

My movement is not improving as fast as I would like. I guess a little better every day is better than no difference but it frustrates me a little.

Yesterday Dan went to England again to see his dad. We went out for a walk with the 4 dogs and 3 girls. We went to Chopin’s house (a house where Chopin had stayed over a winter)as it’s so close to our house.

I was really warm and the dogs kept escaping and upsetting neighbouring dogs. Thank god they listen when you shout at them and they all got caught before they got eaten by one of the bigger hounds.

Today we walked over to our neighbours for their sons 4 year old party. I drunk 3 cups of coffee and eat lots of olives. It was all ok until we decided to leave due to tired children. As we were leaving I took a walk through the living room and hall way, not realising the difference of height on the floors as well as the spread of toys. As I fell my way through the living space I heard things crushing under my feet as I was trying to stay upright. As I smashed into their glass front door I managed to stay on my feet but I didn’t dare to stay and assess the damage I had managed to spread. Oh dear. I have become one of these persons that people will not want to invite to their houses as I won’t even know when I do damage to peoples property….

My left side has received an oil to improve the sensation, but so far no improvement… I have got bad skin on my left side of face as well…. oh and to follow on with weird things happening to me yesterday I tried to put my ear rings back in but in my righr ear you can’t even see that I have ever had a hole. In the left ear where I had 2 holes before you can sort of see one but it’s not open for any ear rings. After an attempt that left my fingers bloody and the hole no more open I decided to ask my friends on Facebook if they had heard this happening to other people. The answers back were not giving me any indication on this being a “normal” occurrence. I also asked my neighbour today as he is a doctor. He said it must have something to do with what I was treated with in hospital.

We walked home as we were all getting tired except maybe Nicola. When we got home we watched Ice Age 4, then the girls wanted to go out for a bike ride and I fancied falling asleep. Instead I watched “Sahara” a movie with Penolope Cruz in from 2005. It was awesome! Like a modern take on Indiana Jones! Loved it, but then double vision hit me and film watching and writing was made difficult.

Never mind!

I have to find things that I can do on my own to stay fit. I have come up with nothing so far. Paddle surfing will be ok in the summer I think. Running is off, cycling is off all swimming is off unless I have company.(because of the epilepsy) I was recommended hill walking/climbing and as we live in Mallorca there are plenty of hills around. The only thing I need is someone to drive me there.

Keep Smiling 🙂 There is always a hill to climb!

So I have had another couple of days with children, physio and acupuncture.

I have a few new things that I am doing with physio or by my self. Ball throwing and standing on one leg for example. For a full 20 seconds on each leg. On a bosu ball (this is so nearly impossible but hopefully soon I’ll be able to impress you all)

Yesterday it was Santa Lucia and my girls were both in the trail at the Swedish school. They were so good! Singing loud and clear! In todays Ultima Hora we can all see photographs of them! I am impossibly proud of them all! Millie also starred in her kindergarden christmas show! But they were both on at the same time. Luckily Millie had a second showing today and we went to see her as a bell!

I had a time at Cortes Ingles to do my shopping today. I went to the wrong one and I was not able to get anything that I needed or wanted. After a full hour of Cortes Ingles I was allowed out to have a coffee. For the coffee Ola came to join in with Dan and me. Then Dan left me with Ola and as we sat there a man arriving from the outside. I saw he was looking at me as I should know him. I should know him. And when he came in to the cafe he came up to our table. My brain was getting into remembering mode, working so hard! And I remembered him! He is a friend of a friend really and I have only known him this year! But I remembered with name and everything! There is still hope for me!

I have had to put down Jolly today. Very sad. She was super special but something lacked in her way of mending herself. She had 2 eye operations and she ended up blind. I’m upset but luckily I am still wearing my plastic bubble.

It’s great for every day annoyances as well as big griefs etc. I should patent it really.

Nicola has just arrived back from Palma where she was almost stopped by riot police. Wow excitement on a friday night! I normally get so tired at 8pm there is nothing I can do after that. Except for blogging and face booking. Boring life. I used to be so much fun!

Now all children are asleep and mum is going through the fridge to get something for me to eat. Oh thank you!

Keep Smiling 🙂 Horses go to horse heaven