I was being a little cocky for a nano second of my pathetic being.

And what happened was… well a broken leg and a broken arm… tells you how close I was to the truth!

It’s a definite sign that I was onto something big! I have had weird accidents like the one that put me in a coma a year ago, and today’s accident that cemented into my scull “Don’t mess with the gods of Lego!”. I was minding my own business working away on my horses and I was following a routine I started just a week ago. Basically dividing the amount of horses I have to work in 2 and have a break after I finished riding half of them.

As I was getting on to number 5 of 6 of the day she was very annoyed about the flies around her belly and swishing her tail. As I put my right leg over her behind it got caught in her tail.
I decided to get of her and as I did she started to panic as my boot was still stuck in her tail.
She decided to bolt away as quick as she could and it made me go flying. Not far only about 150cm on to ground as I was already on way off her but boy did it get me. My entire left side was dragged after the fall on gravel. And even though I don’t even feel anything on my left side, it hurt.

It hurt so much I went from normally pleasant self to howling, swearing, spitting, choking new self. Santa Maria has never before been enlightened in such a broad array of Swedish swear words. They just came hailing through my shouting mouth and in to the infinity of fresh country air surrounding the stables. I was in pain.

Previously I have almost felt a little joy just to feel something on my left side. I wasn’t too bothered it was pain. At least it was something! Now I felt pure shear pain cutting through me like nothing ever had before.

People came to my rescue only to be told off “do not touch me”!

I was taken away to hospital in kindest possible manner by Eduardo the stable owner. Still trying to make some sense of the horrible horrible accidents that keep coming my way.

At Juaneda I met lots of my old friends! I had bled so much from my elbow I had to tell them all at the hospital that it wasn’t wee on my jodhpurs, it was blood.

2 hours later I had been stitched up and x rayed! At first they said no worries, so I already started planning tomorrow’s riding order when the doctor came by me a couple of times asking if I had seen any person with translation skills.

He eventually found one… And the news were not so good. Broken elbow. And broken knee.

So that’s why I was in pain! I’ve only ever broken, my collarbone, a few ribs, my pelvis, my left foot, my coccyx. But I have maybe gotten a litter older and fragile. I can’t remember pain like it.

Having to cancel everything planned for the next few days. I got a little annoyed. Then I was released from the hospital and taken back home by my lovely husband. Then for you who have been at my house and realise the structure of it, came the problem. How on earth do you get anywhere with a broken leg if you can’t use crutches? Well the short answer is -you just don’t!

As we got back home and I hauled my ass out of the car standing on one leg, trying to balance or hop to get the 25m from the car park to our back door. In the end I got carried on a chair the 25m by husband (slightly more sweaty now) and Katja who only started a couple of weeks ago to be my assistant and help out at home a little. The two of them carried my chariot and in the end I got all the way to the 5 steps to go up to my house. Here a me technique developed. Me sitting on my bottom pulling myself up backwards whilst Dan was holding my fully plastered broken leg. In the end I was pulled on top of an ikea rug the final 10m. I made it! I was totally knackered. Had pain in most of my left side. Decided to lay on the floor and feel sorry for myself. For 5 min. Then I managed to pull myself up on the sofa, being aided by my now loving husband.

So here I am. I doubt I’ll move very far, if at all in the next couple of weeks.

Keep smiling 🙂 I have been through a bit in the last year and if I can’t smile for something, I decide to smile at me. For being to up most cursed person I know, one day I’ll be able to write about it all!

It’s 51 weeks since the Wednesday morning in October 2012. I know this year it will fall on a Thursday but that’s a calendar thing, no fault of mine.

So many things have been going through my mind and it still is going over and over again. What my life was before the accident, and what has become of my life, work, family in the last year.

Of course I am thankful. That I am still here, to see my lovely children learn new things and growing up into 3 wonderful independent beings. That I can still ride, and in the last month that I have come back to the rider I was before the accident. Altered slightly, but in essence, “same same but different” they would have called me if I was anything in Thailand.

The other week I had this insightful thought. About plural universes. Simultaneously working with the same pieces of lets say “Lego” that all started out more or less identical, but since every choice made by every piece of “Lego” divides the universe, we end up in quad zillions of universes all living our lives according to the choices we made. I was convinced for almost a whole day that I was actually dead, in my last universe. And now I had continued my new life in this new universe…

I know, it makes my head hurt a little, trying to put words to my accidental unplanned thinking spree.

I am now more focused on staying getting better day by day. And soon the 3/10 will be here. And hopefully I will still be around to write about it!

Keep smiling 🙂 imagine you in your other universes!!! Who would you be?

I cannot believe it. 11 whole months of my life has passed…

I feel like I’ve more or less have lost almost 3 years. The day to day fighting trying to stretch my limits a little further, only to realize I am still far behind where I was in May.

But ok here we go AGAIN. Yesterday I regained something that has been amiss since may, my synchronization that makes it possible for me to run. So that’s what I did! Mostly on the spot or in a small circle, but I RAN! I have never been so happy about any single thing that I have managed to do! It somehow made me realize I might just might learn to live with this.

I have quit my dopamine drug now. I have been dopamine free for nearly 9 days and my tiredness has started to fade! I put it down to the quitting of drinking coffee. I love coffee. It makes me feel like a real person. Nespresso makes loads of delicious flavors. I was on decaf for a bit but grew tired of the plain coffees. I started adding a sugar and drank caffeinated coffee with 1 sugar as a rule. Maybe 1-3 every day. Then I decided, as I can’t really taste the sweetness of sugar and I only really took one as I felt it was a bit naughty. So about 3 weeks ago I stopped drinking sugar in my coffee. Little by little I started to get affected by coffee in ways I never have heard anyone else be affected by it. I got more tired. In the end I almost fell asleep whilst riding. I tried to double up my coffee and on the last caffeine day I drank 2 coffees between horses. Then I very nearly fell asleep on the horse. Afterwards I slept 5 hours during that day. And still managed to go to bed at 10pm and slept a full 8hr night.

So what happened? Well caffeine when it reached my body got my insulin really shooting out and working overtime trying to get rid of any available sugar in my system. That’s why I got such demanding tiredness. I finished the caffeinated coffee and since then I have not had a mid day sleep!

There is so much happening and I guess my poor Spanish neurologist will have a heart failure when she heard of me quitting all her drugs. To the new drug free me!

I have had a razor sharp, ultra quick visit from Julie Andrews. She won the Ladies Championship at Scope festival last week and came here mon-Wednesday. So yesterday as I was feeling so well, with run in my legs, we jumped! I jumped 4 horses and Julie got on our very favorite Golden Girl, Lucky!

It went very well! I didn’t jump big, only about 1 meter, but we worked with keeping the horses straight and using their backs and dropping their heads. It was awesome! I am so in awe! I don’t think you can appreciate what you have until you are forced to live without it for a while. Then if you are lucky enough to regain what you’ve lost and experience it again, that is magical!

Keep Smiling 🙂 magic appears wherever you least expect it.

Eye infection

Good morning world.

Or should i say-” I can’t see you!”? This getting better is not really going my way any more. Apart from catching every considerable virus that goes around, it then goes to become the most vicious decease possible.

In June…. A small throat virus, normally probably cured with a Strepsils sucking tablet, for me it led to 42degrees fever and hospitalisation for close to a week.

In July, conjunctivitis entered our world through our smallest daughter. Washing hands, disinfecting, drops… the works…

In August conjunctivitis has travelled through the entire family in different grades and what do you know? I only have it more than doubly as fierce as anyone else.

Saw a doctor yesterday. She honestly didn’t seam to happy to see a virus so over the top… A well… She better get used to seeing it around me. Whatever little virus does to normal mortals they truly send in the troops when  they come for little pink haired me. A well, a membrane was removed of my right eyelid and she was worried it was possible for me to develop an eye ulcer… A well Elena (my groom) quickly made the connection and called me “Jolly”. That is the horse I had to put down when I was in hospital due to her going blind after operating both her eyes for eye ulcers.

Elena is not on my christmas list… well more so off it after the doctor asked me if she was my daughter. She is 8 years younger than me in real life… And on recalling my head age of 17years and hers of 21years… she is actually 4 years my senior! Well what can I say? That hurt! Honestly, after the doctor had asked that I should have removed myself from her office and asked for another doctor! That way I could have maybe gotten a bit better today, or at least able to open my eyes. Now they are like little breathing mussel shells… closing, closing, closing.

On a brighter note. Before I had this vicious eye infection it all started to feel more like a life again! I was back riding and helping a friend breaking a horse as well. Well to begin with I did it as a double favour to 2 friends. One who had a 7 year old horse that so many people had tried to break for her and one after another had failed because of random things. The other friend I thought I was helping was one who has a son coming back for a summer holiday. I thought that involving him in breaking this horse would fulfil his vacation and keep him out of trouble but boy I do not get 17 year olds… After 4 early mornings where he brought his younger siblings along he just stopped coming. And I was not going to be the next in line failure of breaking said horse. So me and the friend the owner have finished the job in a mere 2 weeks!

That has given me such pride in being me again!

My tourette’s syndrome and antisocial behaviour has kept on as strong as before. The only difference is I now embrace it. How can you always go on tip toes afraid of what you will say and how it will be considered by the people that hear you? I now know who is strong enough to hear my honesty and I instead avoid completely the friends I know i could upset with my straightforwardness. So far it seams to work! It does not make for happy chit chat but at least I know I won’t upset people with my anti-socialness.

I wanted to post a picture of my sore eyes here. Or should i say sore eye? As i still have very little feeling on my left side its actually only my right eye that hurts! Hourrah! I knew it would come in handy one day!

So I am looking for exercises I can do without seeing anything? Swimming is out of question. Walking up and down stairs has been fun, but also a bit “edge” sport as i can’t tell where the stairs end. I would also be grateful for any muscle toning for stomach area as my left side paralysis kind of makes normal stomach crunches a thing way off the past.

Keep Smiling 🙂 I am keeping a positive vibe until my tourette’s kicks in but hey ho, if you can’t laugh about it or yourself you should have a long deep inner conversation with yourself! And there if like me you find an unsoiled 17 year old with hopes and dreams, smile and keep smiling!

I have become a serious believer of fresh starts!

It has become what I need in my life as my short term memory keeps fusing out. The only problem is, if I ever mention this to anyone their direct response is almost always, “yes that happens to me all the time!” Well I wasn’t asking, but thanks for sharing anyway! And inside me brews a glow of inner pettiness… I ask myself: are they all idiots? Clearly I am different on so many levels to so many people that nobody can understand me.

We went to England this week. A seriously short 36 hrs break!

We had a meeting arranged with a new neurologist that my husband had very kindly arranged for me.

He had researched everyone we knew that has had TBI or any other neurological problems. He then contacted James Cracknell through a friend of ours and the appointment was with James neurologist Mike Barnes.

We flew in on Wednesday afternoon. Managed to book a haircut with my English hairdresser and then we went to have dinner with some of our Warwick buddies! It was awesome and I almost behaved! At least I think I did! Have not heard anything contrary to that

I do not want pity. I would take any push, encouragement or kind word. But I am just not in to being felt sorry for!

Living on a small island can have its advantages. It’s close to get everywhere. People recognize you fairly quickly if you hang around the same places. It can also have its disadvantages. See the two above! I guess the main one is with a small island in combination with the aggressiveness of me with TBI, is I’m apparently no fun to be around any more. I have started to feel the exclusion from friends lunches, dinner parties and get togethers. I’m not a huge fan of it to start with so for me it was almost a blessing in disguise not to be considered for social stuff any more, until today.

I must have really surpassed myself on being socially unacceptable. On all accounts. Today I have tried to arrange things for tomorrow, riding lessons, competitions. It’s fun because I can use my skills as a teacher again. It has all worked really well, but now trying to get even a simple answer for organizing riding lessons at a weekend is unbelievably hard. I just don’t know. Is it their inability to choose and decide or is it just me?

I have been helping a friend with breaking her horse. It’s been a brilliant distraction! The horse was “unbreakable”(others words not mine) and what had failed a previous breaker to do in 8 months, me (invalid) and my 17 year old helper have done in 10 days! But my social unacceptableness failed me there as well! After 4 early mornings, (6am so it could also mean the early hour did him in too) my 17 year old vanished. So I was alone again. And trying to get answers out of any of my friends seam to be like getting blood out of a stone. They are tip toeing around me and can’t speak to me about what I have done to offend them. Seriously? I have had a brain injury. I have short, unreliable memory. But at the bottom I am still me. I have always had an aggression in me. Maybe I just am not able to walk around issues and maybe I’ll be better off if I just stay quiet?

Keep Smiling 🙂 you can smile in a fiercely quiet way, no offending there!

This I wrote a couple of days after;I am not one to brag about my ability to do anything. I am a doer. I find things easy to pick up generally and can do everything normally to quite a high standard. Or shall I say the old me used to be able to pick up things quickly and do them to quite a high standard.

The new me is a bit lame. I wouldn’t ever have chosen her as friend in school. The new me is ever double thinking (ok even though family think I do not) and if you know how direct and straight forward I was before I now have to be doubly direct and straight as I cannot remember things that has happened/that I say unless I double up on the directness.

I have made it my direct excuse “I’m sorry I had an accident and I have forgotten how to be subtle”. Peoples natural answer to that is “Oh, no thats ok, I prefer that you say what you mean” Oh what the hell? I am embarrassed of how soft I’ve become. Even though I have this directness in me. I am at the same time overly aware of what people might think. Not about me, but what they will think about what I think. That will not change me now, only slow me down a little more. (Sorry mum)

Here I finished writing. Something interrupted me.
Keep Smiling 🙂 if you are lucky you won’t remember what you’ve done! Be thankful for life’s little injustices, see them as blessings!

Totally getting annoyed for nothing now.
Walk past me, look, don’t look, speak or don’t. Everything winds me up right now. Hormones maybe? I honestly can’t blame anyone or anything especially as I’m getting wound up for NOTHING at the moment.
Or shall I say everything winds me up. Except maybe Millie. She has a wild card for most time as she is only little
but I think even Millie’s wild cards are running out as my temper oh temper is catching up with poor ole Millie too.

Back riding one or two horses more or less every day and I must say they have adopted quietly into my new style of riding. The so called new style probably sounds more severe than it actually looks but it’s quite a big deal.
No muscles on my left side of body has any strength. I loose my reins a couple of times every time I ride but luckily I gave good horses that learn quickly and would never take advantage of me.
So the new style is quiet and still most of the time but my balance is slightly adjusted towards the right.
Since I started riding I have stopped doing the 2-5 hour sleeping stints during mid day and still have brain and semi body function after dinner time!
I overall feel more positive about everything. That’s why I wonder why I have this rage bubbling inside of me.
I’m furious for absolutely NO reason.
Well the Valdoxan does not seam to work if it was supposed to make me a milder version of myself. I am sharper and more to the point than ever before.
At the moment I think my poor long suffering husband gets most of it as he is the only close adult person in my life.
My mother complained about me before, that I could behave and be nice when I need to be in front of people I don’t have close relation to. I guess partly it might be true. They haven’t been around me long enough for me to pick up on annoying traits. Oh dear. I’m not going to compete for nicest person on planet award any time soon.

I was back teaching this weekend at a show! My one and only student now won the first class she was in and the second day she turned a bit too quickly at a fence in the jump off but her mother was delighted! It was almost a year since I started training the horse and rider combination and to compare the nervous wreck of a pair that I started giving lessons to a year ago to the winning couple this weekend made my heart grow a little!

So why do I feel so angry?

Well even after my tiredness has started to evacuate my body, I still have a bit of energy draining ongoing. And it’s sad to say but I think the energy drainage is mostly family related. It’s not that they crave attention or demand to be seen, I just think its a natural circle of energy.

Where as my horses although they take effort and demand strength and crave a lot of attention the feeling after I have worked them is I’m energized!

3 hours working horses= feel great!
1 hour playing with children= zonked!

I guess a balance of working and family life is what I need but I also need to know what’s possible for me to do. How far can I get without surgical/stemcell intervention?

I am going to try yoga again. There has been a vacuum without yoga and Linda in my life.

We are going back to UK to meet yet another neurologist. This one has come highly recommended from a friend of ours who has had a very complicated TBI. (Traumatic brain injury) and the professor has agreed to see me and give us his thoughts of my half life, or my continuance of bettering self.

I have also now emailed the Mayo clinic in the US to hear about the stemcell treatments they do. All in all my desire is to get better. I will try to better myself in the meanwhile as I am now a disabled raging grump.

Keep Smiling 🙂 start it today! You know you can do it!

Welcome back! I’ve been locked up in my troubled headspace for a while now but I’m fighting to get out!

A few things have happened.
1. Back on a horse yesterday and today. Ok, not working in my usual manner but its not possible, hence I have adopted a new style. As I can’t feel or control my left side it’s very hard to get weight down on the left stirrup. That as well as left hand not being able to hold the reign as firm as usual makes my new riding style a bit freestyle. I’m thinking paralytic dressage might be an option for me. Then again I’m not sure Parkinson’s is seen as a paralytic sport. I will have to check rules for this.

2. My friend that had an operation in Sweden when I was there has had some news about his tumor that it wasn’t as they first thought a “good” tumor but indeed an evil one and he emailed all of us friends to let us know about the news. This is not a positive in the slightest but as before because I feel how strong and moving forward both my friend and his wife are, I get my strength from them.
It’s terrible news for anyone to get but still keeping a cool head and looking forward its inspirational!

Another news was that I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome on Monday. Why might you think? Well it’s because they couldn’t find anything else wrong with me. So I got a bin diagnosis. That’s doctor language for basically anyone daring to show symptoms of a disease, but having test results to show they are healthy.
Bin diagnosis often occur as:
Migraines
ME
Chronic fatigue syndrome

At first I was relieved nothing had shown up on my blood samples. But then I got diagnosed, and that totally slapped me. I had been given the most simplest explanation. But other than that nothing.
There is as always a list as long as any on things you should avoid.
Painting and coffee are the two ill miss the most.
There is no way to cure this.
You can eat certain food but as food already is a problem with me I have to start over again.
There are exercises, but as I suffer from Parkinson’s I can’t do half of them, and as I am still on medication for epilepsy I can’t swim, well unless I’m accompanied by someone strong enough to pull me out of the waster if I had an attack.
So that made me come back to riding. Even getting on is a bit of a challenge as you need to use your left leg. I’ve managed twice now so that’s alright!

My new more positive mindset could of course be the drugs, but I honestly think that the horses and my friends email is what has changed my attitude.

I still have very low energy. To the point of falling asleep un-expectantly, wherever I sit or lie down. Any time, any place. Could be the bin disease? Of course it could but so could so many other things.

I need to get on top of my diet. It’s a must! At the moment, because nothing tastes the way it should or used to, I am super limited to what I consume. I should eat more banana, avocado and apples as well as protein and lean dairy. Sounds easy enough, but when you can’t drive to supermarket, are often too tired to speak, don’t live within walking distance of anywhere shop like, it’s just that much harder.

2013 what a nasty year you have turned out to be. 2012 was always marked as a naughty year but it was only my gut feeling telling me about 2013. 2014, if we make it, there is a whole lot of love and positivity!

Keep Smiling 🙂 if there are things you can’t do, create a new style and you might find out a new you!

Hi there
I’m back from weeks of no publishing. I lie in wait of inspirational spurts that just seam to have abandoned me. Ah never mind. Writers call it writers block I just call it blocked brain.
So another week has been and I have been taking this “new” medicine for 1 week today. It’s to cure both my “anxiety” as well as my low dopamine levels. It’s called Valdoxan.
Well it’s supposed to make me a nicer person. That is so untrue, I have never been nastier. I’m in Sweden now and I think Sweden would like me to leave. I’m awful. Although my mother and husband think its worst for them I can clearly say I am a worry to be around a week into my new treatment.
Oh the trembling anger that I feel under my skin. Rearing to get let loose and inflict injury wherever it sees a victim ready to pounce on.
I was unsure if it was Sweden making me like this but I think it’s more medicine related.
It’s also supposed to make me sleep sounder. No. I can’t sleep through a night. It’s either children or other family members that wake up and then makes noise to wake me up or I just won’t fall asleep. Daytime falling or crashing asleep has been known to happen quite a lot. Well I have another week before I see another doctor so I won’t be able to question anyone about this before then.
So Sweden. How is Sweden? Well other than making me the most awful nasty creature on this planet (think Godzilla, only less green) I think Sweden is ok. The weather is pleasant. It’s fun to see friends that I have been away for for a while and Stockholm never seizes to amaze me. Will they ever finish the roadworks in nortull? I mean seriously? How many years now since they started? 25 years?
Well lets hope it will finish at some point… Or maybe not… What on earth would people do then?
I have in a true marshian style visited a few hospitals. Although my stay is brief and I have no ailments, luckily (?) I have 3 daughters! So for two days now we have been in and out of St Eric’s hospital for a daughters weepy eye. She has a virus I’m told. Could also be weeping over lost lovely mummy and crying over the nasty bitch that has replaced her. But o Sweden! You have so much to learn from Spain for example when it comes to running a hospital…
I understand all the angry bloggers about the situation of healthcare in Sweden. Now I’ve seen it and lived it. I doubt it’s incompetence (naive belief/hope?) but they are just not on the ball for so many things.
Another thing that has happened in Sweden since we got here is one of my best friends has had a tumor removed from his brain. It was a sudden headache and vomiting that drove his wife to go to A&E with him and 10 days later he had a tumor the size of an apple removed. All went well. I’ve seen him (see my need to be around hospitals it’s sick I know it is) and there I must say Sweden looked ok on what they have done for him! Now he is locked in a rehabilitation unit and he is there to take it easy. Heal his wounds. Rest away from his day to day life. See I might have learnt something from visiting him anyway!
Today no real feeling of getting better. Not a lot of the getting better feeling around here much lately. I swear a lot. Cursing like a bald sailor. But seeing my friend well after a freak tumor and seeing his lovely wife also patiently putting their lives together again made me feel a little more positive again.

Keep smiling 🙂 you can keep cursing if you feel like it, but a smile will reach someone’s heart. Reaching a heart will lift your sorrows a little.

Now we have spectacular weather! The dogs and horses might think its too hot, but for us humans its quite alright!
I went to the neurolog yesterday. I had such great hopes of huge impact, sharing of knowledge and answering of questions. Well there was none of that.
I was basically asked if the new medicine had helped and answered as honestly as I could that no, I didn’t think it had had such a great impact on me. My double vision had become worse even when I was still not overly tired.
Then she changed tactics.
It was no fault of medicine. Tiredness etc was all because I was too anxious. Anxiousness would work as a barrier in my healing progress. She said she thought my moving pattern was better now compared to a month ago. I was not sure if I should laugh or cry.
I am the least anxious person you’ll ever meet. To the point where my mother and husband often comment on me not caring enough. I never worry about things I can’t do anything about. If I feel vulnerable about not being able to walk/run or ride, so be it, but I have no anxiety about any of it.
So it might have been yet another war of words, as neither me or the doctor have English as a first language, but to me I feel like I have lost my trust in neurology.
They feel like they just guess, sometimes they get it right, most of the time they are clueless. Where shall I go from here? I had thoughts of going back to Switzerland in August to work at getting better, but now I have appointments with more doctors in Spain.
Mentally it has been a challenging week for me so far. As I now have become “anxious” as well as all the hundreds of things wrong with me you would think this newest accusation might break me a little more… I on the other hand have decided not to let this affect me in any negative ways. I am trying to get better. It’s a bloody far way to go, even if I’m only trying to get back to how I was in April… ignoring my fitness from 2012 where I completed Vätternrundan/became champion of Mallorca in show jumping and managed to do an abundance of sports and playing with my kids. I don’t think the doctors that don’t know me from beforehand, how I used to be, could ever put their academic guesses on what might affect my getting better.

I finished writing this here a week ago, couldn’t find anything to keep smiling about so I left it…

So 3 weeks ago I went on this new medicine promoting the body to start the production of dopamine.
As the diagnose was Parkinsonism, I have low dopamine levels in the brain and the medicine should over a few weeks either work… or not… not really a choice we could make just wait and see.
I was eagerly up for it as I was sick and tired of always being tired. After almost two weeks (last Monday) I was ready to give up. I called my neurologists office only to hear she was on holiday until my next scheduled appointment with her.
The day after that I started to feel a nudge better… And over the next couple of days I got better and better energy. I actually started to feel almost ready to ride a horse again. Then day after day came with more and more challenges. I stayed strong for the first couple of setbacks. But after 3 days non stop terrors I started to break little by little again.
Finally when insuring a car that we had bought in early march was impossible due to the fact the registration documents had been sent to the wrong address. When I went to have another document re-printed to be able to insure the car, at Trafico (the DVLA of Spain) and they sent me across the island instead of telling me my address was alright as my other cars are all insured on my address… Their incompetence almost crushed me.
So canceling all social gatherings as I have no energy to give anyone I deceived to just go with my children to a friends house. There my daughter got infected eyes. Really strange but as the eyes were swelling up we had to take a taxi home and by that time I was nothing any more.
I decided not to go to hospital that evening but at 1.30 in the morning her eyes were so sore, swollen and black pupils, my husband who just had arrived back from cycling in France had to take her in.
Today has not been a day for me.
Dopamine is supposed to be the hormone released when you enjoy yourself. I can understand why my levels are so low now. Not only am I not very happy. I don’t have any enjoyment at all at the moment. Every time I feel a small victory is coming on I get seriously knocked back. Now I don’t believe the drugs are working at all.
All they seem to do is making me aware of all that’s wrong with me. Of all the things I no longer can do.
At this moment in time I feel worse than I ever have done through this whole ordeal.
People keep asking me or telling me that I have a depression. Well now it’s actually happening. The darkness is evolving into a permanent fixture here.
The uselessness of my left side, my double vision, no taste, no power or strength and no balance. Where do I start? Everything is a struggle. Everyone has had enough. Lots of days with too much disappointments, I’ve had enough.
My children when I see them are always either ill or tired or both.
TV at home has been dominated by tennis and Tour de France. Now it’s Tour de France and the Ashes…
Jenny and Sammy have been here to help with moving horses and working them. Sammy is leaving tomorrow morning… more darkness to come here when she is gone.
A new program is starting on channel 5 now “fat, sick and nearly dead” could be about me…. almost.
All this self pity is really annoying me, and not only me. I think everyone has had enough by now. Even the dogs.
So on a more positive note. We are going to Sweden next week. I hope to have enough energy. Flying with 3 children is never easy. We will see.
I don’t think there is anyone that can relate to what and how I’m feeling. I’m sure there is nothing unique with my feelings but as I am a fixer of all things doubter of none it’s new territory for me.
So Keep Smiling 🙂 I can’t say that I do it very often any more so someone has to!