Now we have spectacular weather! The dogs and horses might think its too hot, but for us humans its quite alright!
I went to the neurolog yesterday. I had such great hopes of huge impact, sharing of knowledge and answering of questions. Well there was none of that.
I was basically asked if the new medicine had helped and answered as honestly as I could that no, I didn’t think it had had such a great impact on me. My double vision had become worse even when I was still not overly tired.
Then she changed tactics.
It was no fault of medicine. Tiredness etc was all because I was too anxious. Anxiousness would work as a barrier in my healing progress. She said she thought my moving pattern was better now compared to a month ago. I was not sure if I should laugh or cry.
I am the least anxious person you’ll ever meet. To the point where my mother and husband often comment on me not caring enough. I never worry about things I can’t do anything about. If I feel vulnerable about not being able to walk/run or ride, so be it, but I have no anxiety about any of it.
So it might have been yet another war of words, as neither me or the doctor have English as a first language, but to me I feel like I have lost my trust in neurology.
They feel like they just guess, sometimes they get it right, most of the time they are clueless. Where shall I go from here? I had thoughts of going back to Switzerland in August to work at getting better, but now I have appointments with more doctors in Spain.
Mentally it has been a challenging week for me so far. As I now have become “anxious” as well as all the hundreds of things wrong with me you would think this newest accusation might break me a little more… I on the other hand have decided not to let this affect me in any negative ways. I am trying to get better. It’s a bloody far way to go, even if I’m only trying to get back to how I was in April… ignoring my fitness from 2012 where I completed Vätternrundan/became champion of Mallorca in show jumping and managed to do an abundance of sports and playing with my kids. I don’t think the doctors that don’t know me from beforehand, how I used to be, could ever put their academic guesses on what might affect my getting better.
I finished writing this here a week ago, couldn’t find anything to keep smiling about so I left it…