No dopamine

So 3 weeks ago I went on this new medicine promoting the body to start the production of dopamine.
As the diagnose was Parkinsonism, I have low dopamine levels in the brain and the medicine should over a few weeks either work… or not… not really a choice we could make just wait and see.
I was eagerly up for it as I was sick and tired of always being tired. After almost two weeks (last Monday) I was ready to give up. I called my neurologists office only to hear she was on holiday until my next scheduled appointment with her.
The day after that I started to feel a nudge better… And over the next couple of days I got better and better energy. I actually started to feel almost ready to ride a horse again. Then day after day came with more and more challenges. I stayed strong for the first couple of setbacks. But after 3 days non stop terrors I started to break little by little again.
Finally when insuring a car that we had bought in early march was impossible due to the fact the registration documents had been sent to the wrong address. When I went to have another document re-printed to be able to insure the car, at Trafico (the DVLA of Spain) and they sent me across the island instead of telling me my address was alright as my other cars are all insured on my address… Their incompetence almost crushed me.
So canceling all social gatherings as I have no energy to give anyone I deceived to just go with my children to a friends house. There my daughter got infected eyes. Really strange but as the eyes were swelling up we had to take a taxi home and by that time I was nothing any more.
I decided not to go to hospital that evening but at 1.30 in the morning her eyes were so sore, swollen and black pupils, my husband who just had arrived back from cycling in France had to take her in.
Today has not been a day for me.
Dopamine is supposed to be the hormone released when you enjoy yourself. I can understand why my levels are so low now. Not only am I not very happy. I don’t have any enjoyment at all at the moment. Every time I feel a small victory is coming on I get seriously knocked back. Now I don’t believe the drugs are working at all.
All they seem to do is making me aware of all that’s wrong with me. Of all the things I no longer can do.
At this moment in time I feel worse than I ever have done through this whole ordeal.
People keep asking me or telling me that I have a depression. Well now it’s actually happening. The darkness is evolving into a permanent fixture here.
The uselessness of my left side, my double vision, no taste, no power or strength and no balance. Where do I start? Everything is a struggle. Everyone has had enough. Lots of days with too much disappointments, I’ve had enough.
My children when I see them are always either ill or tired or both.
TV at home has been dominated by tennis and Tour de France. Now it’s Tour de France and the Ashes…
Jenny and Sammy have been here to help with moving horses and working them. Sammy is leaving tomorrow morning… more darkness to come here when she is gone.
A new program is starting on channel 5 now “fat, sick and nearly dead” could be about me…. almost.
All this self pity is really annoying me, and not only me. I think everyone has had enough by now. Even the dogs.
So on a more positive note. We are going to Sweden next week. I hope to have enough energy. Flying with 3 children is never easy. We will see.
I don’t think there is anyone that can relate to what and how I’m feeling. I’m sure there is nothing unique with my feelings but as I am a fixer of all things doubter of none it’s new territory for me.
So Keep Smiling 🙂 I can’t say that I do it very often any more so someone has to!

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