Mallorca, mid July. Well anyone could have told me this before, it shall be hot. It’s a little different being trapped indoors, in house without working Aircon or fans… I feel a little bit sorry for myself.

I’m desperately trying to figure out how to stay sane, trying to organize things for the future and my upcoming operation. The hardest thing to do is to explain to the girls that I need to stay in the UK for 3 weeks after the operation. Also trying to find a solution that will keep me fit when in London post op. All doing this whilst trying to keep lucidity in this heated chamber without air…  The worst thing is we had the Aircon units all gone through and fixed before summer, and even so it’s still not working. Oh well, never mind, I could always write about this experience at a later date, if I survive it!

I am watching stories of people being trapped underground/in caves/in the mountains on fabulous channel on sky TV very bad accidents that apparently saves most of the people at the end. Not sure it makes me feel any better, actually rather sent me the other way… I went to sleep for a good 2-3 hours.

I still don’t feel lucid. Maybe the cool of the night will sharpen me up, maybe I need to go to a hotel and be locked in somewhere cold, oh maybe I should try opening the fridge, just to not melt…

Our guest Tony (godfather to our oldest child) has been helping out as new manny, as our summer nanny decided the job was not for her, leaving us mid-cycle, not really anything to hope for in the midst of all this. Why not up the battle for this family? We need a little bit more to work against us! 

Thankfully, other than the heat and the obvious tiredness that comes with this chemo hell, I’m not feeling too sick. Not throwing up, yet, and could come with to supermarket today. Sadly that was this morning and since coming back around 1pm I’m not too good.

Oh the little things that shall set us free. We will see what the little things will lead to.

Keep smiling 🙂 even when your face is sweaty and hot, turn that frown upside down!

This is a new oldie. I’m back to my first chemo gitter bug! Brand wake the world up awake at God unruly hour. I’m not sure why but it could be yesterday and thoughts about it to keep me awake. It’s not the flat out afraid or shaken, it could’ve been that but I’m more lightly stirred, like a drink prepared for James Bond.

Yesterday again started early, not like today’s early but 4am and shared in a hotel room it does not easily involve doing normal stuff like reading/watching TV/writing stuff(until I found the button to lessen the screen brightness on my mobile and now I can without waking up poor cousin Caroline!). A bit of turning and thinking finally managed to solve a whole lot of world mysteries/Greece debt problem/war with IS, unfortunately as the world is for me right now my short term memory is really bad so by 07:02 (Caroline’s waking up) my solutions to the greater good were mostly gone.

We went for breakfast in a London cafe and it was great! Then off to LOC for the meeting with dr Jones. Again she pointed out my doing so well and being such a model patient to Caroline this time as she accompanied me. She could also not feel Brenda! The biggest of my tumors has disappeared. The sad thing is with her going also most of my breast has gone with her. The right breast is now a flat shrinkly memory of its past self. I had a list of questions to her about the operation etc. By going through it with her we realized most of said questions would be better for the surgeon mr Ghosh, and as I was seeing him later in the day this was a good thing.

Going down to the Dungeon Of Death for the second last time, I started recognizing more of the staff, and they more or less recognized me too! I got Fabiana from Portugal as my poison distributer of the day! She has been my nurse twice before so she is getting used to my cheerful banter, not everybody else though! For the first time in the Dungeon Of Death I was being told off! For laughing too much! I’m sorry, I know that serious business is ongoing there, and there are a lot of people in pain going through hell and more, I’m sort of one of them. But Caroline’s re encounter of learning English swear words from friends in school, and not only mistaking the “Fu** You” for the not too offensive “Thank You”! But also instead of pointing the middle finger she got a finger dyslexia and pointed the pointy finger!!!! Imagine people’s surprise of angering this 7-8 year old girl and getting a pointy finger pointing strait up to the sky, with her yelling “Thank You”! I cracked up! We were both crying with laughter and this is were next doors nurse came in to quiet us up, well mostly me I think. You can’t have poisonous treatment here in the Dungon and laugh about it!

My bloods were good again! Thank the higher power my potassium levels were alright again!  The potassium is not a supplement I would wish on anybody to have to take orally! It could on the other hand be used in torture by the military on so many different levels… Doesn’t bare to think about it… The chemos 3 different poisons were put in, only the Herceptin level had to be put up. As I have gained almost 3kg in the 3 weeks since I had it before! It is responsible for a lot of Brenda’s disappearance, so that should have lessen my weight but it in combination with the other poisons binds a lot of water to my body so therefore I now weigh an impressive 73kg!

It’s mostly water they all assure me, I think not, a lot of good food and cakes have been consumed in Sweden, I think a new diet of raw salads is on the menu again when I return to Mallorca!

The 5 1/2hours went by so quickly. And as we were leaving the strangest thing happened! I heard a voice saying “you are amazing”. I looked around and saw a young dark haired pretty lady, looking kind of in my direction but as I was queuing to the loo, I thought she was talking to someone behind me. No one there so I turned to her again, I had never seen her in my life! “What you do is truly fabulous!” This time clearly aimed at me. She had come across my blog via an emailed she had had forwarded from someone. It was incredible to meet her, as she just wanted to point out how much she appreciated reading about my story  and that I could stay so upbeat most of the time! As she worked at the LOC I hope she understands that the work they do there for everyone is remarkable! It can’t be easy meeting all the sick people in various state of recovery or not so much. I know I should have found out her name, but as the loo was clear I lost her there.

Because Caroline and my other cousin Ebba had brought me some delicious Kushmi tea in May, and since then I have found a shop in Marylebone only selling Kushmi tea, I had booked in a tea sampling session for me and Caroline at Kushmi tea in Marylebone high street. This I can honestly recommend this for any tea lover out there. We got to sample 6 different teas, and got told the whole history of the Kushmi teas, the background of the teas Anastasia and Prince Vlademir and the mixtures used in them and why. It was a truly remarkable hour!

I was ready for my meeting with the surgeon. He asked how I’d been feeling and finished laughing at me when I explained that because of my traveling to Sweden I hadn’t managed to ride at all in the last cycle. I then told him of my going to Falsterbo instead meeting up with my riders and business partners and of my miracle paperwork before leaving for Sweden. I don’t think he gets that many upbeat forward thinking patients there, so I hope I make his life a bit easier, well kind of. My breast care nurse with him is called Lisa and she is an incredibly awesome Aussie lady! She was not very happy about the Ashes results last weekend so I didn’t rub it in too much that England (total underdogs who barely scraped by in the pre-ashes test matches against lilliput nation New Zeeland) beat the great grand superstars of Australia!!! They won by 169 runs which I think is pretty impressive! Well I’m not saying to much as the test match at Lords starts in two days, oh fingers be crossed!

Mr Ghoh examined me and came to the same conclusion as dr Jones, the tumor was nearly gone, but so was the breast. He went through the options for me with the op. The nipple has to go, because of Nina the nasty nipple hiding tumor, the risks of the cancer coming back there is too high. Nipple and surrounding areola has to be taken out. I then have a couple of options when I remove the rest of the dying two tumors Brenda and Brittany. I can remove them and the nipple and not be left with much on the right side. Or I can remove and put an implant in, or fat from my stomach or muscle from my back. We were discussing all the options as I started to realize this is no walk in the park. The minimum operation length is 4 hours and it can go up to 10 hours for the most complicated op. The minimum stay in hospital is 7 days. I guess this is different for everybody, but as I come under “the highly active not probably listening to much of our keeping calm talk” I think they have booked me in for hospital for that length for a reason.

I was given a book and a leaflet about the different options I have for the operation. Last night when I couldn’t sleep for some reason (I blame it on all the awesome tea) I managed 62 pages in the Macmillan book about breast reconstructions after cancer. It takes some reading. All the options with the medical names of them as well as what they actually are. The plus and minus of each option. I think I have to read it again today, would read it now but as I can’t turn on any light it will be later on. The pictures of the breasts post-op are incredible. The best ones are the natural ones that average a 9hour op, but I’m not sure I can do that. The regular silicone implant with the filling option under your armpit also looks like a possible option but as I’m having radiation treatment afterwards it could damage the implant… The pluses and the minuses, I have decided not to go for the cutting out breast and nipple and going one breasted, I think living in a country where I spend 300 days a year in a T-shirt or bikini it would make the fashion me conscious, and as she isn’t very big you should know how strange it would make me feel to only have one breast. We were also talking about my genetics testing that for some reasons beyond me have to be taken again and sent off. That’s blood sample taken to see if the cancer I have is genetic as my mother and her aunt had breast cancer. It’s better to know, I don’t think I have the awful Angelina Jolie gene, but better to be safe than sorry. I will meet the doctor and take the test next chemo time in London. I have also been booked a surgery time, much earlier than I thought was possible, but I guess they want me to have a life back as soon as possible! 

Keep smiling 🙂 every day has new miracles waiting to be discovered and memories remembered to make you laugh out loud!!! 

I added my wig to the art at Kushmi tea

breakfast awsomeness

At Kushmi tea they use wigs as art!

“Thank You”

7 used to be my second lucky number! Just so you all know. And as my lucky number in China is considered to be highly unlucky, maybe I should swap? 

I went to Falsterbo for the last few days in Sweden. It’s in the south of Sweden and hosts a huge international 5* and National championship in Show jumping and dressage. My family was invited by Lisen Bratt Fredicson who had a table overlooking the main arena! We had 4 days of show jumping in mixed weather. I didn’t get to the dressage arena but the Swedes won everything! More or less everybody cycles in Falsterbo, except me. 

I think all the traveling and not riding at all this “cycle” of chemo has taken it’s toll, on top of the fact that I should be getting more and more tired with every chemo. Now I need to have an afternoon snooze as well as going to bed early. (Sometimes I only last until 9pm). On the flip side mornings is me! I wake up between 4am and 5am with no possibility of sleep returning. 

In Sweden we have not had the joy of television so books is the new TV (maybe it’s the old TV…)! At the moment I’m reading a Liza Marklund from 2002, Prime Time. It’s very compulsive reading, the combination of tiredness and reading means I haven’t updated this blog for this week.

Yesterday I flew back to London via Denmark with my cousin Caroline. The girls and Dan flew back to Mallorca. Millie (the youngest at 4) has started using my in her words “little hair” as it’s grown back a little and is super soft. She pats it a like a cuddly toy and strokes my “little hair”. The request of my staying in her bed at night for her to use me instead of her cuddly monkey has been made. The doctor last time told me not to get my hopes up too high regarding the hair growing back as chemo has this nasty effect of no glamour for women. It might start growing a little and then fall out again, well so far so “little hair” good, now six week on new chemo and still getting more cuddly by the day! Also still piling on the weight so really am getting more cuddly by the minute… Maybe I’ll end up a cuddly toy for said daughter?

When it comes to wearing a wig, Sweden has been partly good as it’s not too hot generally, the wind on the other hand made wearing wig a little scary. I ended up wearing hat on top of wig and made a safer sandwich of headgear that didn’t fall off! Back in the UK a little better but still hot sometimes on trains/underground, and now with my little hair I have been compared to Sìnead O’Conner or G.I. Jane so I guess I could bare it. My headshape is of the enviable frame for a person that likes possessing short trims. Going “naked” to me has a new meaning, it’s more of bearing my head than other body parts. Maybe it will become the new norm when back in Mallorcas tropical superheat. Yesterday we did try on a new longer wig, it made me look like a cross-dresser… Even the client next mirror agreed, no long hair in a wig for me, strange I never thought of myself at all ever looking like a transvestite in my own hair when it was long… Not even when it was pink! Maybe I lived in a fantasy world and should be corrected.

Coming back to the lucky numbers. Me and Caroline yesterday compared lists of accidents/breaks/illnesses/operations and it does seam my list being a lot longer. I could blame it on her being younger, or that she isn’t as high impact sport active as me, but she played horse polo professionally so I don’t think so. I don’t think you can change your lucky number as it has certain values to you personally. And I’m still here so that’s pretty lucky I think!

Keep smiling 🙂 The world is turning and my “little hair” is way cuddly! Bring on number 7! After today one to go!

  
I got almost as many likes as my horses grey spotty bottom!

We brought the heat with us from Mallorca, as the first couple of days we were here we had +30 and over degrees. It was quite funny as we had packed for rainy/coldish weather. The girls thought it was the norm and quite happily used their normal clothes to attack the not so normal heat of Sweden.

This year for my birthday I settled for a quiet 30 adults 18 kids party with Swedish cakes as the main ingredient! After indulging in the treats served up by mum and my cousin Caroline everybody headed to the lake to cool down. 

Days here have been quite full on and I just don’t think my body is coping very well with it. I’m tired all the time, and if someone spotted me trying to pay for a car parking ticket yesterday, after my 3 credit cards were declined, the guy on the telephone help line could only help me set up the convenient app for the use of paying car parking in Stockholm, not take actual payment, the array of Swedish/English swear words used amounted to an impressive €237 for the swearing pot! I was like an encyclopedia of bad words, my children were all within hearing distance, even though I used the ingenious “mother plucker”… I was in the bad books of most of my family…

Today is a new day, and let’s try Stockholm again! Mentally I am prepared, we will just have to see how the body will cope. I get so tired it’s hard even just standing up.

Keep smiling 🙂 and keep your humour high even when machines work against you! 

We are in the air. Floating towards our goal, Sweden! For the last couple of days we have been at high speed trying to get second quarter accountancy papers done for our companies… It’s the busiest quarter for Dan’s cycling event company and as I’ve had the chemo my mind has been everywhere except on paperwork duty. I was shocked on Monday when I realized it was that time again. I honestly thought it was a couple of weeks ago since I did the last accountancy.

By some divine force of nature I managed to get proper energy back during Monday afternoon. I got a throat infection and had to go to hospital to have blood taken and was put on oral antibiotics. I preferred that to the second option which was intravenous antibiotics which I assume also would have meant another hospital stay. Anyway I was only too happy to be at home medicating self with my emergency a&b’s!

It’s like the emergency antibiotics have contained something. Since I’ve been on them I’ve had really high energy. Not like the over speedy version of self that I took to in week 3 after the first 4 chemo’s, but a new type of ready to get going and organized super power.

I’ve managed to sort out all girls and my own wardrobes. Organized playroom, office and all storage spaces in the house! On top of that yesterday I managed to do all paperwork! What normally takes me between 1-2 weeks I managed to do in 3 hours straight! I’m not sure who the new me is, but she is quite handy to have around! 

The hard working me has also had time to sozcialize with my friends, both locally and visitors from Sweden! And to top it off I decided to go for a yoga lesson last night! It was more or less like a Bikram yoga as the heat in Palma yesterday night was over 36 degrees.

I was worried that I might end up like last times trial and proper yoga fail, but not so! Sandra challenged me as my body was pouring into slippery poses. Only a few rounds of extra child’s pose and some alternative poses where I sat down rather than standing when I twisted but I finished off doing a headstand and almost an underarm stand! I know I’m not allowed to be competitive during yoga and I’m not really but it was a win in itself managing to walk out of the class energized and positive!

Then arrived this morning. I can tell you this much. I am very happy we made this flight. Especially after I forgot my antibiotics at home and we had to go back for them. Myrna started feeling sick and she and our new nanny had to get out of the car, and we left them at the side of the road speeding home to get the antibiotics and picking them up on the way back to the airport. When they climbed back onboard the mini bus breathing hard and huffing oh gosh did I feel like the worlds worst mother ever in the air conditioned beauty which was our carriage. It was not even 10 o’clock and it was already 31 degrees. Of course I had told them to stand in the shade, but as Myrna had taken off her shoes in the car and then forgotten to put them on when she felt sick, the shade was someplace she didn’t feel she could stand. 

Anyway, even without pre booking a space at the long term parking at the airport (yes I had no idea you had to pre book!) we made it and even though I nearly missed the plane for another fifty reasons, we made it! 

Keep smiling 🙂 sometimes you can’t even recognize who you’ve become but she might be a better you! 

I am about to break a promise made to my mother a couple of months ago.

I promised her never to write about the hard stuff, the weighty stuff, the teary hateful stuff that surrounds me at times. I’m sorry but day 4 after chemo leaves me without any other outcome, I have a need to tell you about it.

It actually started a bit earlier than expected. Last night I was in my comatose deadness. Dark veil surrounding me, forcing me to lie down and sleep. I could hear the Mosquitos feasting on my chemo riddled body, but I couldn’t do anything to make them go away. Mind over matter doesn’t work that way unfortunately. So from a great day 3 after chemo to the no so great evening of day 3 after chemo to the nasty day 4 after chemo.

I woke up upstairs. Strange. Can’t even remember getting upstairs. Walking and stairs is not a combo often done on day 3/4 after chemo. The tiredness surrounding me is total. I don’t know what to compare it to because it’s totally filling me. There is no way of shaking it off. After 12 hours asleep I can still not even talk properly. 

I manage to get down to sofa. Here I park myself. Husband brings me water and I have anti sickness treats. And my lovely feast of potassium K. Luckily some of the other drugs that I take makes sure I won’t puke all over sofa or loving husband.

After some updates on world news from the BBC, I realize the world is still going to hell at an alarming rate as over 38 people have been shot dead in Tunisia on the beach. Also the highest rated movie of the week is “Minions”, apparently it’s full of humor and slap stick… If one is not a fan of slap stick one probably should leave it alone…

I managed to make my way down to the kitchen and made some tea. It’s unbelievable how hard it all is for me. Now I’ve run out of things to write because I’m too tired.

😬

Keep smiling 🙂 one day more and you might feel something again.

We are now waiting for this weekend to be done. As today is chemo +3days I know from previous experience tomorrow is my worst day. I have had a fairly good time so far, my potassium levels have been really low so I’m now on new supplements for “K” (chemical letter for potassium). For anyone who has ever had the pleasure of taking K as a supplement in water rather than IV knows this is possibly the worst tasting supplement ever. I can’t really compare it to anything, but puke is fairly close. So not great as a twice a day reminder that you should feel sick… Well I do right now.

I have managed to keep up walking a little and doing some housework related stuff, a little bit of washing/tidying/cleaning and making pots of tea. It’s all part of the waiting game. I’m really trying not to over-do things as the cost tomorrow and the day after is too high. 

Yesterday I managed to do the walk to see our neighbors donkey foal. Stunning black beauty! Oh the heat was something different. I did not get out until 11.30 but it was already in the 28ish degrees and over 30 when I finished the walk…

On another note my horses are jumping really well in Hickstead show and The Drawness finished 3d in yesterday’s final in the main ring!

Today I am aiming to go to the stable. My friend and her daughter are coming to ride some ponies/horses so they will pick me up and take me over there. 

Now back to enjoying my first pot of tea for the day, today’s beginner tea is the Kushmi Boost, let’s hope it can energize! Let’s hope it tastes great too… Need other flavor in mouth than the rather disgusting taste of K.

Have a great day! Next week we are promised 38 degrees here which will heat up the rest of cool Europe…

Keep smiling 🙂 Glastonbury starts rocking today, unfortunately forecast looks a little wet for some of UK this weekend!  

Just a short notice as I’ve completed number 6 chemo! It’s been very painfree this time. Only 5 hours in the hospital this time, and some of them spent with my wonderful friend Sarah! 

First I had a meeting with Dr Jones. Her words to my husband Dan was something along the lines of -She is doing brilliant! (About my ability to adopt and have a good mood through this time) To my daughter -If I had a gold star I would give it to your mum (as well as pointing out I am top of her class at this moment).

So despite my purple nails that apparently might get worse and also maybe fall out, I’m on the right track! Brenda is almost a gonner! She was the biggest of my 3 tumors so that’s great news! The tiredness is to be expected apparently… Lots of maybes and hopes, but on the right track so far!

Dan has been setting up this time trial event up Sa Calobra in Mallorca during October 3d. All profits of the event will be given to 2 cancer charities! It’s such a heart warming thought and I do believe the event should be a fantastic experience for everybody! Check it out www.ttsacalobra.com!

We are looking for more female professional cyclists, so if you know anyone please get in contact with us!

Tomorrow my baby daughter turns 4 and I feel quite old myself! Not in a bad way, just a fact of life. Time goes by. You live some you learn some. Hopefully you learn some…

My hair has started growing back! The doctor say it might fall out again during new chemo, so not for me to get my hopes up too high. 

 Keep smiling 🙂 sometimes lifes biggest battles makes us stronger and more determined!

We are here yet again. The day before I travel back to London for my next chemo treatment. Time seems to have flown by this time. Mostly because of my newfound love for Game of Thrones! What a masterpiece of storytelling! I was hooked from the last scene in the first episode. The way how the writers lure you in with their false sense of security and basically rip your heart out when they allow you to start sympatize with someone only to kill them off… Pure story brilliance! 

My life after chemo 5, aka first of four of the new kind of chemo, has been a roller coaster of emotions. My mind is clear. I can have proper conversations with people and realize my memory is getting a little better but my tiredness seems to get worse. Physical tiredness that is. My mind is still awake/ problem solving/ deciding what needs to get done, then the body just switches off. It’s gone past annoying, it now is infuriating. If you have met the slightly annoyed me you know that you should, quite rightly so, fear the furious me. Luckily for the people I live with I get too tired to do anything through my fury, instead I fall asleep on the sofa. Better for everybody. Except maybe for my mind…

It’s what I’ve feared most intensely since my first injury. To have this bright, sparkling mind locked inside this slow moving not clearly responding body. Stephen Hawkin’s problem, ah well more or less.

This time my youngest daughter will come with me to London. With the summer holidays here we have an exact schedule until the end of August. I know exactly where I am every day from today until the 30/8. It’s quite a revelation being this well planned. I have only one worry. The heat. As Dan pointed out to me today, -You might be this tired because of the heat. Ah well, I bloody well hope not. It’s not even that hot yet. Today only 28-29 degrees. Here in the summer it can easily get over 35 degrees… I might have to rethink my very planned summer if that’s the case.

I must raise a glass and congratulate the WGE team with the horses that this week have won so much! Ayrton won 2 classes at The Royal Highland show, the A&B stakes and the Grand Prix and wonderful The Drawness won the 7 year old Talent Seeker class with 80 entries! He and  Julie have now qualified HOYS! (Horse of the Year Show) It’s the second week of October so I’ll have to make sure I’ve had the operation and haven’t started my radiation therapy by then.

Keep Smiling 🙂 according to Annie you are not fully dressed without one!

Yesterday was a bright day, and sunny, today a slightly “cooler” day with clouds and thunderstorm! A tiny bit of rain but still some rain… According to my mum the streets close to her house needs the rain as it smells of dog wee…

I am back riding! Properly this time. The toenails are properly blue/purple, a little bit sore but not too bad. I think the right big toenail is a gonner as its turning a real dark purple color. I’m not sure why this is happening but hopefully it will not incur more pain.

The riding yesterday was a full 6days earlier than I coped with riding after the previous chemo. This chemo does really keep my mind brighter and that seems to keep my body more energized as well. 

After riding yesterday I went to have my bloods taken. They do that to see how your blood counts fair after the new type of chemo. All my values were low but within acceptable grades. I was worried I had to have more immune strengthening injections but apparently not! After the blood samples I went with a friend to a monestary in Palma.

I am not trying to find God, I’m pretty sure I know where he is (or she if you are that way inclined), or otherwise I’ve been given a book by our stand in cleaner who is a Jehowas witness and she left me this book yesterday…

Me and my spiritual guide Linda went to the nunnery Santa Clara’s courtyard where we braved the shadows for an hour long outdoors meditation. I meditated naked. That is my scalp was naked as the heat of wearing any headgear outside makes me sweat. In the quiet calm of the monestary courtyard we found energy and strength. I wished for my blue nails to cure without losing them, and there is still hope.

Keep smiling 🙂 if you can’t find God, or you doubt there is one there are books that can help you find him!