Dear reader. I have been shining in my absence from here for far too long. I can’t blame it on my too busy life as I have been off the horse since my crusiate ligament in may. I should have had plenty of time to write down my getting stronger and feeling better, the truth is, I’ve not really been so strong this time.

It has been an ongoing battle being me for the last 5 years. Of course I have never let it really get to me nor have I allowed it to touch my inner core. I have managed to keep my healing bubble more or less on this whole time, until earlier this year. What happened? I heard a voice. It was my own voice from a recording done about 6 years ago. 

I saw the shaky film, slightly pixilated, grainy and dark. Then I heard me. My voice so different to what it sounds like now. A different bubbly lightness to it. 

The items being filmed were not important. A bodega in a country house somewhere. The conversation was not even special, it was the tone of my voice that cut me.

I don’t feel I have that lightness in me anymore. Maybe that’s what people can see and feel when they are close to me, this dark, cursed spirit that is bound to follow her dark path.

I never chose it. It was never an selected option for me to become this shadow of my former self. The darkness that binds me here now. Every day exhausted. I do not ask for anything really, I’m not demanding in the true fashion of the greedy. I never ask to be the centre of attention, it’s much better to live on the edges, a bit close to no mans land when it comes to fashion, art and politics.

How would I like to be remembered? More like the person I just heard on that short video clip. She seamed so joyful. That nothing mattered to her. The ease of her conversation, to nobody, just her own joyful redemption of where she was and what she saw. Easy… on point and fearless. That unicorn of species, the ones you can believe in when everybody tells you that you are insane.

I know I have to remove my darkened mood. Before I only thought it was much shallower, this slower, stiffer mood. Now after hearing my original voice, my awareness has shifted. I am forever different. The accident/illnesses has changed me forever. I can’t even recognise myself.

I wrote that 3 months ago. I was in a lot darker place than where I am today. I choose not to post it as I felt there was not much to smile about at the time. I just wanted to share with you now as I have started to believe there is a way back to find me.

I’m still here. That’s number 1. Even though I’m a steadfast believer in reincarnation I believe the hardness and pain you feel can only mean one thing for sure. One is still very much alive!

Keep smiling 🙂 to quote Evert Taube “Ta med glädje ditt jobb fast du lider, snart får du vila i eviga tider”

As previously told, I have a naturally high tempo, in all aspects of life. Hence I’m not surprised I have all things challenging happening to me. In my 20’s I never thought I would get to 30. In my 30’s I had too many small children around me to think at all. Now in my 40’s all I remember is that I forget a lot.

After the crusiate ligament rupture in January, the stem cells taken from my bone marrow to help the healing process, it proved to be done for nothing. On the MRI that I did beginning of April it showed that it was gone. “Poff”, just like that, once there healing happily inside my knee, now not. On the MRI there was nothing. I’m not sure how you are supposed to react when after 4 intensive months of rehab and getting back to approximate speed of average me. To hear I need not 1 but 2 operations that finally will make me able to jump horses again. To also hear I’m not allowed to ‘touch a horse for 6 months’ (doctor’s word).

I’ve had enough of operations for a lifetime in the last 5 years alone. There are as many opinions as there are people when it comes to crusiate ligaments. Someone always knows someone else who manges being a pro-footballer, ice skater, skiier without crusiate ligaments, and they are doing fine, one would never know they have a disability Etcetera. They have not been with me on a horse that freaks out just a little bit, and just by jumping ever so slightly to one side sends shivers through my spine. The intensity of the pain that roars from my knee and almost makes me black out or wet myself. If only for a split second, it’s enough for me to realize I can never attempt to start jumping again without my crusiate ligament to support my knee.

So decision made. On way now to yet another surgery in the UK. It will be 6 months physio therapy. I will as always try and see the best of the situation. This will give me time to focus, get more indepth knowledge, possibly finally write something… the world is my oyster. I am ever so slightly hesistent and almost close to tears, but as I know this is a possibility for me to get back on track again. Let’s stay strong for another couple of months. So maybe you will see me back jumping the beginning of 2018?

Keep smiling 🙂 even when you land in sunshine in Luton, it’s still Luton! 

So little time. I wrote this very long and interesting feature on here telling all about my advances in healing crusiate ligament, then it disappeared… the full 567 words of it.

In short: My progress is ok. I’m back riding and where at first I couldn’t do riding trot with my right leg in the stirrup and only lasted for one horse I now happily ride 3 and do both riding trot as well as standing up in 2 point position.

The Spanish doctor here had never heard about a fixing of broken crusiate and injecting it with STEM cells. He said I have to prepare to have to do a transplant in April. I hope the MRI I will have in a couple of weeks will prove him wrong. I’ll know more on the 10/4.

Lovely Elena (groom and master of my horses) is pregnant and we have been on the lookout for a maternity replacement for her. A tough call but we have found someone brave enough to join our faboulus team!

We have another even bigger project in the making, more on that when I get to sit down for a few minutes the next time!

And finally meet our newest family members. Michel Maximus Marsh and Margery Malificent Marsh. Mike and Maggie for short!

Keep smiling 🙂 when there still are puppies in the world it’s still the best place to be!

In my brace. Only 4 weeks 4 days to go! On my way to Sweden. There I will meet up with family and friends. 

Tomorrow evening I have been invited to Idrottsgalan! It’s the equivalent of Sportspersonality of the year in the U.K. and it’s hosted in Globen, the massive globe shaped arena south of stockholm.

I’m going thanks to Peder Fredricson and his wife Lisen who I work with. Peder got a silver at the Olympic Games in Rio and he and All In were the only pair totally without a fence down through the entire competition. He is now shortlisted for the Jerringprice, the most popular sports person of the year. There are only 5 swedish sport personalities left and Peder is one of them! It’s all down to voting so please help Peder and download the Duo STV app, open the “Idrottsgalan” and vote for Peder! You get 3 votes for free! You only need a platform to download the app… google translate will help you with the Swedishness of it all!

At the moment in transit. Waiting for oh beautiful wheelchair assistance at Palma airport.

They came! And now on to further fantastic delivery truck to get me to the gate! Oh the lives the people in assistance service are living. I am sure I would also see it as a punishment of one of the higher orders but at least I wouldn’t let that get me down. I will get them to read this blog! Enjoy your lives, there will not be anyone else there to make you have “more fun” or be responsible for your happiness! Create your own highs, don’t use any chemical substitute.

Now thinking about hi-jacking said sporty assistance vehicle as have been abandoned by 4th sour assistant!

Keep smiling 🙂 the days are getting longer and there might be light at the end of the tunnel

My beloved friend Karl Almgren finished his fight against cancer yesterday morning. He is one of my closest friends, even though we didn’t meet up as often as close friends should, but with a safe place in my heart we never needed to. Now the world has been truly robbed of another great soul! Bad things tend to come in threes…. with this start of the “new” year with “new” beginnings or “new” challenges here it feels more like the same “old” same “old”.

I asked the question to my closest if this year really felt like it was going to be a “better” year. To me 2016 was a pretty ok year. Better than 2012 and 2015 in any case. But I’ve had this overlying fear of 2017. Nothing that you can put a finger on just a feeling. So to get things started we lost Karl. Such a sad wasteful loss. On the 4/1/2017, we lost such a doer and trier, a true smiler. To keep up the bad events of 2017 I had a fall in the ski slope today. I ruptured ligaments in my knee and have to have another operation. That will take place in the next 2-3 hours. 

At least my fall was spectacular! I try not to do things half-hearted! I think my husband thought it was at least a couple of broken bones, but no! Only soft tissue damage! I’ve been sat in this waiting room for quite some time now so I just imagine and plan my recovery. The first 24 hrs I’m not allowed to do anything. After that I’m sure I’ll be able to do some things… start it small and often… then back on track maybe? In a couple of weeks? Months? Year? This is where researching online is really bad for you. If I was to trust advise given on spectacular sites I will be wise to know I probably never will use my right leg again.

This alpine adventure was the end part of our incredible surviving journey for the Marsh family. We started the trip before Christmas and spent 5 days in London. This was followed by 5 magical days in Lapland over Christmas. Then we flew back to celebrate new year in the U.K. followed by this trip to Austria.

I will now end up in the hotel for the last 4 days…

Operation went well. I’m now back out of hospital. A bit sore and mostly crying. But not out of pain from the knee, it’s the pure pain in the heart that I don’t think will ever go away.

Keep smiling 🙂 let’s keep those we love close at heart.

This might come as quite a surprise to you. I’ve had another surgery. -What? Are you crazy? Is questions I’ve heard a little more than once these last couple of weeks. It might seam like a fast and furious surgery movie, and quite so. One of my surgeons have now put a 6 month ban on further ops on said body.

I had my ovaries out. Laparoscopically so 4 “smallish” wounds on my belly and they actually removed the ovaries through my belly button. I’ve tolerated the general aneastetic well again and I am up and out and about doing things like I normally do (except HIIT training or riding horses). I sent a friend a photo of my belly and she said it looked like I had been in a knife fight. Ah well they should see who knifed me! 

I have had my fair share, ok, slightly above share of surgeons cutting things in my body the last couple of years. In comes Miss Olaitan. She is a totally stunning surgeon with impecable dress sense and fabulous hair. On top of that she is also a quality crafts woman with regards to the use of knife and glue. She did not stitch me up. I’ve got 4 glued incisions.

The decision to remove the ovaries was based on the reality that my cancer feeds of hormones. As the ovaries were still producing estrogen the safest way from a preventive spectrum was to remove them. This brings me within 24 hrs to full on menopause. Without the possibility of HRT as I cannot have any hormones. So holistically does it… apparently Sage! I have to do so much googling of this topic! What lies ahead is according to websites:

-night sweats

-headaches

-weight gain

-mood changes

-memory loss 

-osteoporosis 

-depression

-heart attack

Oh, fun times! I have been ovary-less for 6 days now. So far I’ve had a little problem sleeping, but I had that before the op so not sure if it should count.

I’m spending another week in London. To basically see more doctors and hopefully get the all clear to go home next week.

Here in England the winter is definitely coming! There was ice on the ground this morning and white fog christalized when I was breathing. 

I’ve spent the two last days frolicking in the company of my midland crew! Totally in awe of luck that made it possible for me to meet with so many of the best people I know! Thank you all for taking time!

On a completely different note, I’ve had over 20.000 readers of this simple blog. This has amazed me thoroughly, but frightened me some. I found out yesterday that the 1 brother I have has never read it! Any of it! It transpired when I realized he did not know what an Okapi is, or who Oni is!!!! So Carl I dedicate this blog to you! Thank you for always being there for my family. Even after you’ve been kicked out of the Big brother household in Mallorca! We love you uncle C!

Keep smiling 🙂 the changes in world will always bring us closer to where we are going.

This photo is one of a few where all us 3 siblings are collected. With a fair few of our other cousins….

It’s now been 19 months since I was first diagnosed with cancer. It’s been a 14 month wait since last years Mastectomy, when Bella was made out of fat and  tissue taken from my stomach. Over 1000 stitches later and a 40cm long scar leading from one hip to the other. Bella the right new breast started off almost the same size as Betty (her neighbour). During this last year I have managed to get back training and riding and as I’m starting to lose some of the weight gained during chemo, Betty is now half size of Bella. During the big operation last year, the nipple was removed as one of the tumors were lodged behind it. This year Bella is getting a new nipple!

At first me and the surgeon Mr Ghosh discussed options we could do to make the two breasts look more alike again. Other than the non-existing nipple, we have the size difference. I had been told Bella would shrink within the first year. That’s what normally happens when you “transplant” tissue. But since my bloodsupply is excellent to the transplanted tissue, Bella has not shrunk one bit… Fit and healthy! So options for the size are: getting an implant to Betty and liposuction on Bella or lipo-addition to Betty and Bella still liposucked… Option for the missing nipple were: tattoo or “small” nipple making operation, followed by tattoo. 

The problem with adding fat to Betty to make her bigger  is that it’s the healthy non-cancerous breast and fat cells are active live cells. Hence you could bring bad active cells into an area of at the moment only good cells. The problem with adding an implant is that it goes against everything I previously have thought would be good for me. 

The nipple operation was discussed as a “small” operation where only a local anesthetic would be neccecary. It wasn’t until my darling husband at the meeting with the surgeon 30min before my operation started asking questions about how the nipple would be constructed. And Mr Ghosh, who is a bit of an artist and never happier than during complex questions such as my husbands. 

After a whole description of cutting, slicing and folding, a sketch that looked a bit like an eye, my husband looking a bit white and green and needing no more explanation,  I really started to wonder if a General Anaesthetic was not preferable.

Not wanting to look like a coward I decided not to say anything about preferring to sleep, but instead walked down to surgery wearing my most excellent outfit. Tight stockings in a beautiful white, open backed hospital gown and a robe. I was put on a table and washed off with a whole lot of Betadine. All parts that weren’t being operated on were covered in green sterile paper. Mr Ghosh was asking the crew in the operation suite if they had a camera and a screen so I could watch the whole operation on. Luckily they said no.

The operation started. All meassurements had been taken before and were double checked and inked in on my skin. The “eye” shape was drawn out on my breast. I didn’t need a video or a screen as I could see the Bella-butchery clear and large in the reflection of Mr Ghosh’s surgery glasses. They were not only prescription glasses with magnifying and special lightning options. They worked as a magnifying mirror for me.

First there was some cutting along the lines. Some burning of the small blood vessels to make them stop bleeding. The burning made a popping sound as well as the smell of blood and burnt skin. As I saw the mirrored image of my scalped middle of breast, I understood there would be a long time before I would feel like eating meat again, I think carpaccio is out of the question forever…

I had running commentary from Mr Ghosh. 

Question:-“Do you know who would be very impressed by this?” 

I answered:-“Eh, no your art teacher?” 

“Yes!! It’s like origami, you know the folding of paper” 

-“Oh so I might end up with a small bird for my nipple?”…. No answer, not sure he enjoyed my sense of humor.

Then some stitches were put in, some more folding, more stitches. Other than me now feeling a bit nauseous I was equally impressed by the shape that appeared!

If I struggle for outfit for Hallowen all I need to do is rip off my bandages and go as Frankenstein!

Even though I hadn’t gone under a general anesthetic they had decided that I should stay over one night at hospital. It all worked out for the best. Now my biggest worry is my 14 days without exercise… Apparently tomorrow I will be fitted with something waterproof on top of all bandages. And in 2 weeks we will see if the operation has been successful!

In a further 4-6 weeks I will be able to get my tattoo… I was thinking another butterfly.. or a rose… or maybe just another nipple…

Keep Smiling 🙂 it’s a never ending story and tomorrow Mel is turning 8!

It’s been a long time again since I updated you all with ongoings of the crazy marshian household.

I have been very busy getting back into showjumping and double vision is nil! I honestly can’t believe how lucky I am that the operations have gone so well! Now it’s only when I get enormously tired that some double vision reappear but I can also correct it by concentrating.

Dan has been equally busy arranging the awesome charity event TTsacalobra.com! It’s the third year running and such a total success! It’s a 10 km time trial that goes from the bottom of Sa Calobra up to the top! This year we had a mixture of professional and hobby cyclists, men and women. The One Pro Cycling team had 3 of their professional riders competing and their founder former cricketer Matt Prior also gave it a go.

The world record up this hill is 24min 54 seconds (according to Strava) Our riders were also awesome with the best time 27:49!

The charity we support is Asbanob– The association of parents of children with cancer of the Balearic Islands (ASPANOB) has been working for 29 years with the aim of improving the quality of life of all children suffering from cancer as well as that of their families. For this the charity offer sheltered apartments in Palma and Barcelona, ​​psychosocial & educational support. They also organize many different leisure activities for all the families here in Mallorca. Our aim was to raise €10.000 and we have nearly got there. For any of you generous people out there that didn’t have the chance to get involved during the day, here is information on how to donate to this amazing charity.

To Donate direct

This is the easiest way – Please make a donation to the following account & state “TT SA CALOBRA”
Name: Aspanob
Address: CL Andrea Doria 60, Palma 07014, Illes Balears

IBAN: ES8304872081852000003222

SWIFT/BIC: GBMNESMMXXX

Keep smiling 🙂 when you have managed to climb your mountain, there will be a downhill slope for a while!

www.ttsacalobra.com

www.aspanob.com

I’m super happy to announce the revival of single vision! Double vision that can be fun every once in a while can become a total bore to have. Especially when it involves jumping fences. To turn up to a line of fences, either a combination or a triplebar, then to be faced by an array of poles, all same colors, but at different distances and angles, not the best if you try and jump them.

Now it’s been a week and 1 day since my operation. I only have one vision! It’s great! I jumped a little yesterday and now I can only blame myself or bad riding if I miss a fence, it has nothing to do with my vision! I still have not tried out combination of riding or driving whilst tired where the problem was the most obvious before, but over all a huge improvement!

I’m now trying to find my way back to normality. Only who am I kidding? My lowest speed is a bit like a kid high on sugar. And I like it that way! I can’t seam to “slow” down. I have tried to be more sensible and considerate. Especially to my poor family. But as they are partly me I’m sure they will understand, if not now, in years to come… Let’s hope!

When I was in the UK for the week of the operation we maximized on the things we fitted in. Harry Potters studios, the 100 akre woods, a trip to Ireland to try a pony and a trip to Hamleys to find some shopkins! We managed to travel by train, underground, bus and taxi! All fitted in in 6 days flat! As well as an eye op! And a business breakfast whilst planning for the autum and winter ahead. Phew, just reading back the lines makes me wonder if the slowing down stedying one self might make it easier to remember things…

Today I have started slow with some bloodworks. I have my blood analyzed for irregularities every quarter to six months, to stop me getting totally exhausted. This time the blood was fine for the first time ever! So finding my way back to the half crazed speedy swede clearly is good for me! 

Keep smiling 🙂 wake up and explore the day!

The problems my eyes have is not apparent even to themselves until I put some pressure on them. If I feel ok, not under stress or too tired I have one vision, a pretty decent one as well so I don’t have to worry about glasses yet. Then tiredness hits me, or I try to concentrate turning into a big triple combination, all of a sudden there are poles everywhere, I don’t know what fence or what line is the correct one as I have become a squinter  (although a “slight” one) after the first accident.

Last year I had an operation on my left eye where the most squintiness seamed to come from. That year I had only been diagnosed with cancer 4 days before the op and had a second operation booked in during that week to remove my right breast. I’m not sure if it was the focus on the bigger picture that made last years op so simple. Or possibly the professionalism of the surgeon or the solid support from my family. I had a calm around me that I from then managed to keep with me for every following operations and treatments. I have now been “cancer free” for 1 month and shouldn’t have anything to worry about, hence why I am suddenly aware of everything around me.

As a whole I’m not worried about tomorrow’s operation. I’ve as said, done one before. So what are these nerves? The slight concern that something might not add up tomorrow? I never have bad feelings about anything almost, I am not the worrying kind which makes this such a strange experience.

Also because Dan is cycling in the Pyrenees during the Haute Route, I am in the uk on my own with the girls. 

Today we went to Harry Potter studio tour in Watford. I went there with 3 girls and arrived back to Farmors (granny paternal) house with 2 witches and 1 buckbeak. I said my goodnightes to everybody, and as my body was in this unnatural state of worry, it was as part of me said goodbye. 

Now I’m really tired as I see everything double. I wish I will fall asleep quickly and that no bad dreams will wake me up.

Keep smiling 🙂 even if you know it will be your last one, make it count!