I am so sorry for my absence 

Dear reader. I have been shining in my absence from here for far too long. I can’t blame it on my too busy life as I have been off the horse since my crusiate ligament in may. I should have had plenty of time to write down my getting stronger and feeling better, the truth is, I’ve not really been so strong this time.

It has been an ongoing battle being me for the last 5 years. Of course I have never let it really get to me nor have I allowed it to touch my inner core. I have managed to keep my healing bubble more or less on this whole time, until earlier this year. What happened? I heard a voice. It was my own voice from a recording done about 6 years ago. 

I saw the shaky film, slightly pixilated, grainy and dark. Then I heard me. My voice so different to what it sounds like now. A different bubbly lightness to it. 

The items being filmed were not important. A bodega in a country house somewhere. The conversation was not even special, it was the tone of my voice that cut me.

I don’t feel I have that lightness in me anymore. Maybe that’s what people can see and feel when they are close to me, this dark, cursed spirit that is bound to follow her dark path.

I never chose it. It was never an selected option for me to become this shadow of my former self. The darkness that binds me here now. Every day exhausted. I do not ask for anything really, I’m not demanding in the true fashion of the greedy. I never ask to be the centre of attention, it’s much better to live on the edges, a bit close to no mans land when it comes to fashion, art and politics.

How would I like to be remembered? More like the person I just heard on that short video clip. She seamed so joyful. That nothing mattered to her. The ease of her conversation, to nobody, just her own joyful redemption of where she was and what she saw. Easy… on point and fearless. That unicorn of species, the ones you can believe in when everybody tells you that you are insane.

I know I have to remove my darkened mood. Before I only thought it was much shallower, this slower, stiffer mood. Now after hearing my original voice, my awareness has shifted. I am forever different. The accident/illnesses has changed me forever. I can’t even recognise myself.

I wrote that 3 months ago. I was in a lot darker place than where I am today. I choose not to post it as I felt there was not much to smile about at the time. I just wanted to share with you now as I have started to believe there is a way back to find me.

I’m still here. That’s number 1. Even though I’m a steadfast believer in reincarnation I believe the hardness and pain you feel can only mean one thing for sure. One is still very much alive!

Keep smiling 🙂 to quote Evert Taube “Ta med glädje ditt jobb fast du lider, snart får du vila i eviga tider”

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