So slowly getting better. But with the clocks moving forwards in combination with my tiredness. Fatal combo.

At Friday around horse number 2 or 3 to ride I started feeling very tired. I knew with Easter we had a lot of things planned in and I wanted to be back to my normal self. So I went home and had a lie down. After a 4 hour sleep I woke up. Not much better than before but I was awake for a little while longer.

I then decided I would take it easy for the weekend. Well Easter egg hunting and dinners with friends and family etc. Not really “easy” as the majority of people would have it. But for me a big step towards easy.

Saturday came and went with no big surprises. A family meal in good spirit. I had an early night and eat too much.

Sunday I went out for a small run before breakfast. I say small. It was almost off the scale on the small side, but I blame my companions, Jack and Smilla. Small hounds, liking sofas more than outside morning runs!

I check my blood sugar levels 3 times per day. As I’ve had problem with low blood sugar before, hypoglycemia, this in combination with whatever I have now spikes my tiredness. As it happened over Easter my blood sugar levels were fine! Just enough sugar to keep me levels alright, not sure about how it makes me feel. A 100% tiredness most of the time.

Yesterday we decided to have a family day out as it was Easter Monday. A fun fair had arrived to Palma and we took all 3 little girls to have a fun day.

They were all allowed 3 rides each but Millie being so small could give her older sisters 2 of her rides so me and Millie watched the 2 big girls and dad in a train and a Star Wars contraption. Then the girls jumped in a bungee that made you fly super high. As a finishing treat we were going to go on the big wheel. As the entire family.

We had paid for tickets and were waiting for so long to get onboard. We were all ready to get in as we were first in line. It took ages for the ride to complete. As it stopped Myrna and I jumped into the carriage. Mel, Millie and Dan was following.

I could hear shouting behind me. And as I turned I saw Mel fall. She disappeared between the carriage and the ramp and just fell. The action afterwards was immense. Someone jumped down to get her up. There was blood, a whole lot of it, coming from her head. I was minus valued as always. I carried Millie and held Myrna’s hand, as we made our way to first aid I could feel my spirit floating above me. It was decision time. Would my spirit stay or go? It was saying “this bloody family, this cursed family, there is no way this year will become any easier for us!”

I hadn’t even gone on a single ride and we all filled the first aid area.

Mel was alright in the end. A big bruise on forehead. The cut to the back of her head was small but bleeding so much. I lost my ability to speak as we were making our way home, as my spirit was contemplating leaving us. When we got home all I could do was sit still in a sofa. Staring aimlessly in front of me. I don’t think a single thought went through my mind. Not consciously anyway.

After this day, I was not thankful that we were all still alive and together. I’ve become used to that. I was fed up with life as it was served to us. Given hope is actually worse than given nothing. I have had enough of the half days where I try to make the best out of a so so given start. I function but minus-valid and that is true. Dis-abled or minus-valued are really the same. And with any given extras of pressure I fold. I am not used to this but I have no choice.

You have to have known me for a while to see how far I have fallen. I am not pitying myself. I just have had this realization about myself. This sitting on my bottom and doing nothing is so far away from the person I have been.

No insight to more bravery. No deep thoughts to a fuller life with less. I’m sorry today’s blog is about taking today. There is nothing tomorrow so don’t go in half committed to anything just to save yourself. The pain is near if not constant in your life, it is within touching distance all the time. There is no need being frightened by it. Just allow it to be there, just be aware.

The same way how my spirit was weighing its options staying or going. I think it’s still around. After another big day emotionally I feel a bit drained. I was going to write something fun and eastery today but faith had me change direction.

Keep smiling 🙂 there are so many things out there! Some are out to get us and some just GET us, what we are about and what we want out of life! That’s worth living for!

Having been to the Mediterranean tour in Oliva (that’s the name of the small town it’s situated in) I have got even more determined to get well enough soon again so I can do this show or somewhere like this.

I met up with Lisen today. So wonderful to meet her and all her boys. She is down there competing although today she had a rest day as her horses all jump at weekends!

The concept of this year being a more rough one than last is being more and more confirmed from day to day. Not so much actually how I feel and how much difference I make on a day, not that I caused a wave before although now it feels I cannot even cause a weak ripple to the waters surrounding us.

Funny that, how all of a sudden all anecdotes include water. Bloody water! Last night I had an incident. Not actually wetting myself or my pants but my pants actually getting wet by a faulty tap that was supposed to be turned off(and wasn’t!!!!) in my hotel bathroom. I woke up this morning. Having only brought one pair of jeans as I was only staying one night I was a bit surprised this morning when I got my jeans to put on and they were soaked! Literally dripping.
Thank god for lovely mother, Tania of my student Vanessa, as she lent me a pair of trousers! I would have had to wear either my wet jeans (slightly ever so slightly drier by hair dryer) or my scarf in shocking pink worn as skirt. Hmmm… I am sure the hotel would not have been overly pleased with choice of wardrobe with pink hair, pink scarf worn as skirt and finished with pink sweater… Ah well! I’m sure they have more things to worry about…

So I was thinking. I’m not worried about getting stuck in this healing process. My worry is aimlessly drifting. Not able to decide what I want to do or how to get there. That’s what scares me about 2013. I am not allowed to choose my own destiny. Not that my life is dependent on other people’s input, but just now as people start to disregard my decisions as silly or not thought through. I am fiercely serious and even though it can take me a shorter time to decide something. It doesn’t mean I have not thought it through and compared it to many different solutions. I guess my brain has always been quick, now that it has less input as I am moving slower all over, it has actually become faster at decision making, comparing and math. So even though I am not as fast as I used to be my brain is quicker than ever. I think people around me feels it makes me slightly more unhinged. I guess it’s their right. Do you know what they call disabled people in Spain? “Minus-valido” minus valued people! Well I’m one of those.

So my aimless travel starts here. I will have to stay scared to stay alert. I travel alone. Sometimes with friends and family around but essentially alone. I fear what will happen tomorrow. Where will I be and what will I do?

Keep smiling 🙂 make every decision you have the power of deciding yourself count. Be proud and aware that you are in control of deciding things yourself!

So after a middle “so so” month, I am now forcing myself to recuperate in a more positive manner again.

I feel the loss of enthusiasm from my side has affected everyone around me in a different manner. So no more feeling sorry for myself and getting low, it really doesn’t do anything for my confidence or my getting better!

It might be forced at first but from there comes a genuine free feeling of healing and inner strength!

So I’ve had my first two lessons back on a horse and it was awesome! I was back riding and feeling utterly normal again and even started challenge myself a little bit more. At the end I felt like a real person again. The discussions I had with Gösta was not about anything related to my disability but everything was focused at my ability of thinking and changing. It was all positive, but equally challenging.

He knew about my disabilities but didn’t not challenge me because of them. I felt real for the first time in a long time.

Work has put me at Oliva Nova. A golf club and equestrian centre between Alicante and Valencia. Here we have come to watch young horses jump and meet some old friends! I travelled here with one of my students and her mother.

Today we have just arrived but tomorrow more horses and I hope some shopping for horse related stuff!

I got a very kind email from a lady that has been reading this blog. She had also had a similar accident about 2 years ago and the way she wrote to me I could understand the tiredness I sometimes feel! And I haven’t seen it before! When you start to feel tired, that’s when you have to stop doing anything! It is instantaneous. If you don’t stop then it will take you days to recover! And it’s so true! I had a late night after a full on day on Friday, and I suffered still on Monday. Today I am fine! Back burning silly Nike plus points on my Nike plus power bracelet! Awesome!

So the letter I got inspired me! To meet my goal of getting better, without rushing. Taking time but without slowing down, it’s possible. Taking it easy as soon as I feel tired! That way I stay focused and motivated! Lets hop the sun comes out tomorrow!

Keep smiling 🙂 if you feel you are stuck just relax and let your imagination take you somewhere beautiful!

I have met some incredible people in the last couple of weeks.

I haven’t been on here much but I blame it mostly on technology and lack of battery charger. As my laptop has been in a one month coma (as me) I have been out trying out a few things kind of new to the new me.

So here it is:

I have no longer got any taste in my mouth or a distorted sense of taste and smell. This makes me never hungry and never really thirsty.

My left hand side is still suffering and is not getting any better by a daily training exercise or ways of moving it, holding things etc I don’t have a lot of feeling of heat either and baths feel to hot on left side (like burning when it actually is lukewarm) and I still don’t have any real pain reflexes… Not sure it will ever return or be as good as right side. At the moment I am just a little annoyed by it, but I can also do things that my friends all find amusing or disgusting. Hard pinching is probably the easiest one. Pinch skin on left arm as hard as you can with right hand. Try to notice where the pinch is…. Naha? Not able to!

I am tired a lot. I can always get up and do things in the morning, but if I didn’t I could just as easily fall back to sleep again and stay asleep all day I think. (I haven’t tried it yet but I’m sure I would be able to). Sometimes I am more tired. Any arguments had between me and anyone no matter how small affects me in a way I have never been affected before.  Mostly I get tired by it. I don’t often break down but the other night I really did. And for the first time in ages I cried and not for anything other than pity for myself. I’d had enough of this half life, not being able to taste or feel things correctly. It’s incredibly annoying when you realise your smallest treasures you took for granted before just might never return.

A hot bath for example is one of them. The left side has no idea of the heat of the water and is always burning as if my skin is either burning or boiling. Not an easy treasure to reclaim and even more annoying as I normally don’t feel anything on the left side.

Reading a great book I now have a half answer for. I can avoid the double vision by reading looking upwards. So my Kindle actually works. Wohoo! On the other hand the kids books are awful as I see everything twice on angles and overlapping each other.

Eating potatoes is another NO GO area. The texture of potatoes is disgusting and only comparable to say sand for instance. I used to love potatoes in all kinds of ways. Oven roasted, mashed, boiled, in salad, chips, french fries and all these previous treats are now so un-appealing.

A lot of food go under the “previous-treasure-treat” supply and no longer I’m sad to say. How come when I used to be able to feel hunger at least I could look forward to somethings. Now I just stare at the food on my plate and pray to my inner soul please please let me like this. It’s forever changing as well. I used to love my lactose free yogurt with fruit and nuts and seeds and now for a reason unbeknown to me it tastes sour. And as I didn’t have this problem in Switzerland it’s obviously a new quirk of my brain damage.

My loss of memory from the previous years is also quite annoying. People I have met for the first time and had no contact with via Facebook or email during 2011 or 2012 are really hard to remember. I think I’m getting better and then bam, I go to a party where I should know the majority and I only know a few faces. I have stopped at these occasions to tell people mid fifth sentence “So sorry who are you? How do we know each other?” As it’s become a challenging game to me if I can retrieve who they actually are within the time I’m talking to them… So far it hasn’t yet happened.

Cycling is the next big thing. I got a bike in the bike shop the other day and cycled by myself without casing thousands of euros damage. I was very hopeful this could be a new way of getting around as I am now stuck to the indoors unless I ask for someone to take me somewhere. Then I got it confirmed, I am not allowed to legally cycle on a road. I guess this is what I feared but having it confirmed just slapped another fine on my already charged arse…

This is how I see it. I have been charged for some reason with this undeniable hard sentence and the worst thing is I don’t know why it happened to me or what actually happened to me. So avoiding it is impossible as far as I am concerned.

So what to do?

The most normal I feel is on a horse. I feel about 65%off the horse and at least 90% on a horse. Why is that one could ask? It’s second nature to me I guess. And my communication with the horses and other animals get through vividly and visually. No double vision there.

Today I had my first lesson with an actual instructor, Gosta Asker, the previous Chef d’equipe for the Swedish show jumping team has a holiday house on the island. I called Gosta last week and asked if he would mind giving me a lesson next time he was over here and it only so happened he is over this week! The lesson was fairly straight forward. But all I needed was confirmation of what I am doing. I think he was happy enough with my progress and he is coming back on wednesday for more lessons! Lara was very sweaty and I got a real feeling of pride. That all my hard work is actually for something and not just for nothing. There are so many thing I should be thankful, joyful and proud about. I might just sometime feel alone in this struggle. I know I am not as I have great support from my family but it sometimes bugs me. How they stay disconnected from the only thing that makes me feel alive and normal. I have explanations of one thing after another to why I shouldn’t see them not coming to see me ride as a problem but the truth is whatever they or other people say it’s never not going to bother me. I am bothered by it. And it might add to the tiredness I feel away from the stable, but what do I know? I am just a recovering epileptic-fit/brain bleed victim.

I have so many things I would like to do. Places to go, people to meet. I just have a temperamental left side and taste buds that won’t work.

Keep Smiling 🙂 There are hundreds of words for feeling glad, cheerful, delighted, ecstatic, elated, merry, rapturous, satisfied, upbeat or just plain old sunny! This world would never have that much jubilant highs unless we also had some lows. If you go through a low patch, remember that!

So here we are. I am still alive, although some days I feel like I am struggling a lot the overall feeling is still that I am getting better every day. But having spent over a week away in the UK for Dan’s dads funeral and to check on my horses I still have in the UK. I managed to put an appointment in with my London doctor Fred Wadsworth. So in the days away, not an hour of rest nor an hour spent on top of a horse or doing my essential training. So when i left Mallorca I was ca 85 % on a horse and 65 % on “normal” life. That plummeted when I was in UK. I went down to basic 48-50% whilst living, I didn’t ride at all in UK but this morning I did and I only managed 2 horses before I got too tired.

So this is what my doctor said about me. He has delt with other brain injury sufferers recently, James Cracknell. And he had some insights to living with brain injury as well as living with someone that has had a brain injury. He could see a little from both sides, how my directness could be compared to a teenagers, not being able to let anything lie or let people get away with their point of view, if I believe they are wrong, I will say it. Some people are ok with this but some really can’t handle it.

I missed out on a course with Sue Gurnee this weekend. I hope she will be back for me to see/hear and learn from her at a later date. She is the American healer I have been working with over the past couple of months. I wish I had been able to attend her course about energies. How to make energies work for you and not against you.

Its nice to be home again, finally I can sit down and write again. I have started reading a new book. “The brain that changes itself”. Its so inspiring to read. It’s about people that work with victims of accidents or born with defects to the brain, where they prove that brains are neuro plastic and able to change to find ways to get around to become “normal” again. Although I also believe Fred when he told me I might never become the same person I was before the accident. In my teenage stadium I’m at at the moment, I will have to re-learn being more patient. And whatever taught me the first time round might not be what teaches me this time. So beware everybody, the new me might be different.

I will continue to write more later as I am getting quite tired now.

Keep smiling 🙂 You can keep learning new things and there are always new things to learn!

But I’m on the floor teaching rather than jumping myself.
First show yesterday for Silvia and Rulle since September. We have been training a lot!
The show went ok. I did all trainer duties as well as I could but show nerves got the better of Silvia. A real shame as I have promised both her and her competitors as a real threat this year.
My riding is coming on so strong! In the saddle I count myself as already 85%!
On the floor round about 65%, so big difference.
I do my exercises every day. Mostly for balance and yoga with Linda which is a combination of equilibrium and strength.
She does kundalini yoga which is quite medical and precise. I now manage to do 26 frogs in a row. When I started yoga I could do maybe 7-8 frogs.
A frog is where you in kundalini yoga stand on your toes with your heals together. Your hands are on floor in front of you, thumbs pointing together and other fingers spread out but standing up on finger tips. Then on in-breath by straitening your legs and allowing your head to come down, you then breathe out and flex your knees and look up and forward. Very hard!
Linda jokingly told me if a man can do 108 frogs he is a keeper… How about if he can only do say 5-8? Can I keep him regardless?
I have had some awesome feedback on the blog. I am down to writing it on my phone now so therefore not as frequent as I’d like. But spelling might improve!
I am thinking of rewriting some of the blog and add some things from the hospital before the rehabilitation in Switzerland. I believe we have it all in us. To stay strong and work through tough times. I believe my strength might be that I never find myself regretting things I have done. If I cannot make a change to something that bothers me, I simply will put it in black and white and make it small and hide it behind one of my memory pillars somewhere in my vast empty brain.
The two no maybe three things I’d like to get better at is drawing, writing and singing. I have lost hope ( put in black and white made it small and hit it behind inspiration pillar) of my playing any type of instrument. As I now would not only have to work against my low capacity of separating left and right hand when I play piano or guitar, but now I also have a left hand not strong enough or capable of working fingers separately. Hey ho! I’m sure if I keep on working there might be a chance for me to take up basic strumming in a year or two.
Oh yesterday on several occasions people approached me and talked to me and I had no recollection of their faces. So we were at a show, it meant they were horse related. Most of them probably knows about my accident, the others might have found me a bit weird, on the other hand I have always not been their cup of normal, so I can just sigh and relax.
As I can’t drive until October (b&w small, hide behind pillar of ways of getting around)I am now always looking for company to take me away from the stable or just come over for a coffee everything will be considered!
Keep smiling 🙂 I’ll keep practicing my singing, drawing and writing!

But I’m on the floor teaching rather than jumping myself.
First show yesterday for Silvia and Rulle since September. We have been training a lot!
The show went ok. I did all trainer duties as well as I could but show nerves got the better of Silvia. A real shame as I have promised both her and her competitors as a real threat this year.
My riding is coming on so strong! In the saddle I count myself as already 85%!
On the floor round about 65%, so big difference.
I do my exercises every day. Mostly for balance and yoga with Linda which is a combination of equilibrium and strength.
She does kundalini yoga which is quite medical and precise. I now manage to do 26 frogs in a row. When I started yoga I could do maybe 7-8 frogs.
A frog is where you in kundalini yoga stand on your toes with your heals together. Your hands are on floor in front of you, thumbs pointing together and other fingers spread out but standing up on finger tips. Then on in-breath by straitening your legs and allowing your head to come down, you then breathe out and flex your knees and look up and forward. Very hard!
Linda jokingly told me if a man can do 108 frogs he is a keeper… How about if he can only do say 5-8? Can I keep him regardless?
I have had some awesome feedback on the blog. I am down to writing it on my phone now so therefore not as frequent as I’d like. But spelling might improve!
I am thinking of rewriting some of the blog and add some things from the hospital before the rehabilitation in Switzerland. I believe we have it all in us. To stay strong and work through tough times. I believe my strength might be that I never find myself regretting things I have done. If I cannot make a change to something that bothers me, I simply will put it in black and white and make it small and hide it behind one of my memory pillars somewhere in my vast empty brain.
The two no maybe three things I’d like to get better at is drawing, writing and singing. I have lost hope ( put in black and white made it small and hit it behind inspiration pillar) of my playing any type of instrument. As I now would not only have to work against my low capacity of separating left and right hand when I play piano or guitar, but now I also have a left hand not strong enough or capable of working fingers separately. Hey ho! I’m sure if I keep on working there might be a chance for me to take up basic strumming in a year or two.
Oh yesterday on several occasions people approached me and talked to me and I had no recollection of their faces. So we were at a show, it meant they were horse related. Most of them probably knows about my accident, the others might have found me a bit weird, on the other hand I have always not been their cup of normal, so I can just sigh and relax.
As I can’t drive until October (b&w small, hide behind pillar of ways of getting around)I am now always looking for company to take me away from the stable or just come over for a coffee everything will be considered!
Keep smiling 🙂 I’ll keep practicing my singing, drawing and writing!

Now I am more back riding, and also mucking out and grooming horses, everything to bring me back to my former glory!

My friends are divided. Some think I do things too quickly, others are so chuffed I am getting back to the normal me so fast. I am divided. On a horse I feel normal. It might be that my spine knows riding better than it knows walking or running. I don’t even feel weaker on my left side on a horse. Even just of the horse standing next to it or sitting down I feel weaker on my left side. So on a horse I now work walk trot and canter and I can get the horses really work.

The lateral flatwork is insanely the same standard as it always has been, even on Lara that was taking advantage of Elena’s weak side by changing canter has stopped doing it with me immediately.

I also have been going to the gym successfully. Yesterday i spent an hour at the gym and today about an hour and a half on horses or mucking out stables.

The rest of my life is getting back in to how it used to be except No driving and No going on  bikes for now.

Dan is in the UK with his dad at the moment. It’s quite lonely here without him, but we busy ourselves. Today by singing in the swedish church!

I have also coloured my hair. It became blue… It was supposed to be purple, but I now have Katie Perry blue hair…. Ah never mind, bad hair day is nothing that really bothers me. I’m honestly too caught up in getting stronger and better that worrying about my hair comes quite low down on my list… Although I am coloring it, so I must therefore care even if just a little bit.

Now I’m going to try and get my 2 older girls to have a much needed bath. They have stoically denied the offers of warm bath so now rather than offering i might start telling them to go have a bath…. or else…..

Keep Smiling 🙂 I can’t stop smiling at the time, even when my hair is blue and my Dan is away!

So today another Saturday, but it all started a little too early for me at 2am.

Millie woke up, and there was no sign of Nicola who had been out earlier with Frida in Palma. Millie had thrown up all over herself and her cot. Dan braved her majesty by himself for 20min and then came in and asked me to help out as she was angry, awake and in no mood to take her medicines.

After an hour up we had assembled her travel cot and put her in it. When she finally gave in for sleep, child number 2 entered the room. Myrna and she was soon followed by Mel. Oh dear we also received an sms regarding Nicola and a problem with her hip that had made it necessary to go to hospital. When we called her and Fridas mobiles no one picked up so amongst stirring children and crying babies there was obviously some worries for lovely Niknak.

In the morning when it finally arrived, I was more than tired. But it felt like a real tiredness. From yesterdays gym visit (oh yeah!) and riding Lucky! So my motor system could not wake up at all. A turn over in the bed made the room spinning (great as I’m not allowed on any fun rides for a while) and a large continuous sleep without children as they went downstairs with their loving father!

So today has been a little bit of a blur. I can say it’s been windy. No exaggeration. I have never heard wind like that before. Very scary. I went downstairs at 10 for breakfast. Was setting myself up for a very slow day as I lost my balance every time I put my head in a new position. I cancelled all lessons and my own riding as the wind kept blowing. I was trying to see what god I could do, training wise there was not that much I could do. Some passing of balls and the new eye exercises… oh so hard! And who knew they would get that much harder by either singing or balancing on one leg… Oh the mysteries of the human body! You just don’t appreciate how much you just do when you do something. Now I have to concentrate and focus even for the most amateur move. I’m not impressed.

The only time I feel like before the accident is when I am on top of a horse. Probably shouldn’t say this but when I rode Lucky yesterday I was doing all sorts of exercises on her to improve my balance. I even trotted a few steps! But all down to safety first and after half a lap I decided it was enough trot! After I had ridden and given a lesson I ignored the tiredness creeping in and decided to go to the gym first time.

I had to go to the gym guys all pumped up to an millimetre of perfection and show them my un-syncronized self and tell them my story of four hellish months. The problem when you see people for the first time, they always get so impressed on “how quickly” my recovery has been and “how far” I have come back. I don’t tell them right back “how would you know? you didn’t know me before”. `But this is what goes on in my brain. My slow working, but still working brain.

When I try to explain to people things I now get wrong or forget, the constant answer back is “oh, don’t worry about that! It happens to me all the time!” So then I think a. you are only saying that to make me feel better or b. if you mean this why on earth are we friends? As I know the old me would be far more switched on than the new me. And the old me would not have had enough time to spend with half baked imbeciles. A few things I have had confirmed by the way are things I have not been wrong about. I have realised my memory even though it seams weak at times is pretty good other times. A saying in Sweden that was used by our old neighbour for example. The way I remembered it was correct and even though I can’t remember who doubted me at the time, they will remember the saying:

“I’d rather eat well my self, than seeing my children starve” “Jag äter hellre bra själv än se mina barn svälta” So there you go! Thats the saying!

On other parts I’m delusional. I can’t get the day right. I forget things like my phone, hand bag, keys, like never before. I can’t taste things. I used to compensate by over indulging in candy and sweets but now I have been sweet free for almost 2 weeks! I have lost almost 3 kg, but think they were mostly fat kilos. It’s a real shame my tastebuds aren’t working as I now don’t enjoy eating at all. But maybe the herbal tabs I have been taking to help my body take out the amalgam is making my taste buds weaker. My cousin told me this and Monday is the final day so then we will see.

Canora (mums horse she bought from me) won at Wellington show yesterday!! With over 3.5seconds! Alexander Zetterman is the rider now, but Julie Andrews that brought her on for me when I owned her should be very proud!

Trying to watch Silent Witness now. Very hardcore. I know good will win in the end, but it looks bleak right now.

Keep Smiling 🙂 Even though it looks bleak from time to time life is a place where you get to keep learning. Maybe when you have learnt enough, your brain percentage has to be culled a bit or other people to catch up. What do I know? I’m only a show jumper and horse trainer that now also talks to injured animals.

And so today it happened! I sat on a horse again! For the first time in nearly 4 months.

It was very calm. I had 2 lessons in the beautiful morning before I sat up on Lara (Eva Lux) the current Mallorca champion of show jumping! I worked her in walk doing half passes and shoulder in.

The first 30 seconds it felt weird. Like I didn’t belong. Then it clicked. It was as if I had never been of a horse at all. I felt truly normal and even good at was I was doing. For the first time in ages I knew myself.

I only walked although trotting, cantering and jumping did feel reachable goals, if not today, soon. Elena wept a little of joy and everybody was happy for me. I posted a photo of me on facebook and got over 120 likes within an hour! Popular girls!

After I finished riding I felt elated. I was on a cloud. All colours were clear again. I felt stronger and faster than I have felt for months. I walked home and had a shower before I went for my physio with Monica.

She was also very happy for me but designed exercises that she suggested I would do on a horse but I had to say no. I don’t think Lara would allow me catching a ball thrown to me whilst sitting on her or raising my arms and picking at things in the air. I think that would seriously freak her out. She then said she knew horses that would have no problem with this and I had to say, I wouldn’t try and jump them as they sounded like careless beasts… Ah well the different views we have on horsemanship…

Another unexpected thing that has happened to me after the accident is my communication skills with animals. I have lost all 2012 almost and all skills to programming. But my skill of communicating with cats, dogs and horses through mind mapping is better and clearer than ever.

The problem is that animals can sense this and come with me to share their problems. My acupuncturists cat was the first to come for some needed treatment on an injury on her back leg. Every time I went for acupuncture the cat miaowed it’s way in to the treatment room and then jumped on to the bench where I was lying with needles in my body. My acupuncturist said: “oh I’m so sorry, she has never done this before” and I answered before I could stop myself, “She is hurting in her back leg, don’t worry she can lie next to me if I can have a look at her afterwards” She said that was fine and I put my hands over the area where she was feeling pain and I addressed 2 points of acupressure and her tail went in a jagged  motion back and forth until it stopped and lie still. The cat came in on my next visit as well and got another treatment. The next time i came the cat just walked past me to show how great she had recovered, and the last time I went she just miaowed a hello as an old friend, healed.

So the problem is now I cannot meet any dogs or cats without them chatting with me. I don’t think everyone is as open minded about these conversations and treatment as I am but the difference is instant and very straight forward. I just don’t feel this is something I will broadcast when I meet people unless their dogs are in real pain. But if you do have a dog with a problem you can’t find let me touch him. So far no major failures!

So tomorrow I am having a new MRI scan. It’s because of my fatigue. But I’m since sunday back to my normal energy level. Normal as in before christmas not normal as in before the accident. But I am off Amentadine! My neurologist thought he had to double the dose but I asked to try and remove it first and it’s incredible! No more speed for parkinson patients is being taken anymore!

Had my results back from the blood test and the only thing he could comment on was the low blood sugar levels.

On a fasting stomach it should not be weird, but as I had already had a small but good breakfast in the morning it was weird. If you look back on my tiredness record you could say I’m the opposite to a diabetic. The pancreas produces too much insulin! So that might explain weird illness of 2010! That is 15 months of my life (that I slept away worrying about what was causing the effects of rapid fatigue) that with this information could have been great!

Anyway I’m not one to look back with regret and without this I would have never met Fred Wandsworth (my nutritionist in London) and maybe wouldn’t appreciate the feeling of feeling good as much as I do now.

Keep Smiling 🙂 For all of us there are miracles. Just open your eyes and let it shine for you!