Having been to the Mediterranean tour in Oliva (that’s the name of the small town it’s situated in) I have got even more determined to get well enough soon again so I can do this show or somewhere like this.

I met up with Lisen today. So wonderful to meet her and all her boys. She is down there competing although today she had a rest day as her horses all jump at weekends!

The concept of this year being a more rough one than last is being more and more confirmed from day to day. Not so much actually how I feel and how much difference I make on a day, not that I caused a wave before although now it feels I cannot even cause a weak ripple to the waters surrounding us.

Funny that, how all of a sudden all anecdotes include water. Bloody water! Last night I had an incident. Not actually wetting myself or my pants but my pants actually getting wet by a faulty tap that was supposed to be turned off(and wasn’t!!!!) in my hotel bathroom. I woke up this morning. Having only brought one pair of jeans as I was only staying one night I was a bit surprised this morning when I got my jeans to put on and they were soaked! Literally dripping.
Thank god for lovely mother, Tania of my student Vanessa, as she lent me a pair of trousers! I would have had to wear either my wet jeans (slightly ever so slightly drier by hair dryer) or my scarf in shocking pink worn as skirt. Hmmm… I am sure the hotel would not have been overly pleased with choice of wardrobe with pink hair, pink scarf worn as skirt and finished with pink sweater… Ah well! I’m sure they have more things to worry about…

So I was thinking. I’m not worried about getting stuck in this healing process. My worry is aimlessly drifting. Not able to decide what I want to do or how to get there. That’s what scares me about 2013. I am not allowed to choose my own destiny. Not that my life is dependent on other people’s input, but just now as people start to disregard my decisions as silly or not thought through. I am fiercely serious and even though it can take me a shorter time to decide something. It doesn’t mean I have not thought it through and compared it to many different solutions. I guess my brain has always been quick, now that it has less input as I am moving slower all over, it has actually become faster at decision making, comparing and math. So even though I am not as fast as I used to be my brain is quicker than ever. I think people around me feels it makes me slightly more unhinged. I guess it’s their right. Do you know what they call disabled people in Spain? “Minus-valido” minus valued people! Well I’m one of those.

So my aimless travel starts here. I will have to stay scared to stay alert. I travel alone. Sometimes with friends and family around but essentially alone. I fear what will happen tomorrow. Where will I be and what will I do?

Keep smiling 🙂 make every decision you have the power of deciding yourself count. Be proud and aware that you are in control of deciding things yourself!