So day by day life ticks along.
Today being a great day of course. It’s my birthday.
Had an early phone all from my grandmother and she twice said my newfound age! It’s incredible, it must be wrong somewhere.
I know my “birth year” but it still does not add up to my actual “age”.
I think my grandmother with her impressive 93 years might be the only one getting away with telling me as well!
So in the last 3 days I have had some improvements. I don’t get as tired all the time, I have no problem waking up, so that is good.
I have started moving all horses away from the stable I have been in for the last 3 years. It’s sad but I really can’t ride at the moment and trying to get 7horses exercised before 9am is a real struggle. We have moved to a lovely yard, the horses can go out at night but can stay indoor during the days!
It will be a good change for all of us.

So with my newfound Parkinsonism, a quirky sense of needing to know and let’s face it enough time and computers to browse the web. I have found myself in language hell.
Well it’s more that I need an medical degree to read all the info in the articles rather than a fancy BA-hons in Art.
After a rather lengthy spree of googling I have now come up with a few facts:
1. Parkinsonism happens more often to men. As I guess they are more prone to Boxing (Mohammad Ali) or fighting.
2. Parkinsonism happens more to people born in the months February-may.
3. Parkinsonism can be brought on by medicines.
Well I should be rather safe as none of the above describes me.
So far this week has been rather forgettable.
I was yesterday with my lovely Acupuncturist and she tried to lift some of my tiredness and help me to deal with some of my sadness.
I am not depressed. I try to tell people this all the time. I’m really not depressed. Maybe reflective and sensitive, sad, emotional but not depressed. For me the difference of what I feel and depression is that I have actual real reasons to feel the way I feel. A depression can make you feel awful even when you should feel good.
I’m feeling low. But I have every reason to. I need to find a new beginning. So day 1 on the search for who I am now.
As I can’t ride, at the moment, and Internet research has given me no insight to weather I ever will be again, but I still have the magic eye. Finding horses will be my new forte!
Creating has always rated high on my agenda. So maybe more creations will be explored? I wanted to start playing guitar again, but as my left hand won’t work, I’m thinking re-think instrument. Harmonica maybe!?
I have re-thought my painting and will use spray and air brush instead.
I have been re-thinking hair color. My sister has grown tired of the pinkness of it all. I’m rather fond of it I must say, but maybe this is the time?
Today I have been up to the stable I’m moving half my horses to. It’s going to be great! They will have great stables, fab outdoor field and if need be we could get them worked in the arena! So I’m keeping 3 horses at Son Gual and moving 4 to the new stable. My 1 livery moved a couple of days ago. But I don’t think it had anything to do with me as they still want me to come to them and give lessons.
My smallest baby has turned 2 and as most of her life is in pieces where I only remember very important events, she has sadly slipped away. I love her so much, I just can’t remember much of her growing up. And now she is two.
I haven’t even brushed on the subject of stem cells yet! It should be good for people with Parkinson’s but I don’t know (Internet research) if the same applies for Parkinsonism?

Keep Smiling 🙂 for everything you leave behind, there will be more waiting behind the next corner!

Happy Midsummer everybody! Today is the longest day and shortest night of all year. In Sweden celebrations have gone on since Friday and me and mum spent the weekend in England at Hickstead derby show.
I had horses competing with Julie Andrews and they all went fabulous! Stayed at a very big hotel close to Gatwick airport and went to Hickstead every day. I had some friends coming to see me and I was treated like a princess with private golf buggy (called Glen) a driver (Gillian) and my side kick Molly. Over all awesome trip. I picked the winners of the speed derby and the big derby! I won a lot of money! Over £250! Otherwise life has taken a strange turn.
I’d never thought I would ever feel like this. Not devastated, not tired, not bewildered, but just empty.
I have had such a fighting spirit in me, have never had the sense to give up. Now I have a calling from deep inside to let go. Just leave it alone, let it be.
And it’s not something random, not anything you can ignore. It’s my life.
I shouldn’t say I would like to end my life. It’s not even half like that. I just don’t enjoy living like I am. It’s like an endless uphill struggle. Without an end to it. And all of you trying to make it easier to me by telling me how hard your lives are at the moment. I’m not sure how that is supposed to work?
If I feel sick, you will just tell me you also feel sick? How is that ever going to make me feel any better?
I’m not going to let my lack of positive energy take away any of my informative scriblets.
I have a new neurologist. The first thing she booked me into was a DATscan. A radioactive 3D X-ray to see how the neurons in your brain works. Turnes out I had a lack of dopamine in my right brain hemisphere. It’s also noted in persons with Parkinson’s decease. I don’t have the genes for Parkinson’s but instead I have something called Parkinsonism. Could be brought on by TBI (traumatic brain injury) or infections or some other chance happenings. I should feel special really, or chosen, instead I feel cold.
So Parkinsonism basically has the same syndromes and treatment as Parkinson’s. The difference is people with Parkinsonism can get it at a much younger age.
I have tried to google the illness to see if I can get rid of it, but so far undecided. I’ll just have to wait and see. Hence the cold, bored, non-commited, non-responsive mood I am in.
People that see me ever so often say I’m doing great. But it’s just that I feel like I did in January. But without any daily improvement.
I cannot believe a short throat infection has thrown me back a couple of months in just a few days. But that’s how it is and ill just have to deal with it.
I will get on top of this and probably write myself better but it’s just at times the low gets you. It is trying to, but it won’t break me.
Now god bless and as my friends can tell you the accuracy of my predictions at the derby were almost too accurate.(Spooky) I think this TBI has given me not only the ability to speak to animals but also the ability to see the future?!!! How else could I have:
1. Picked Phillip Miller as the derby winner.
2. Predicted that Carlos Ribas would fall of on both his rides, and probably dislocate a body part in a dramatic manner.
3. That Guy Williams would be too eager to win for it to work in his favor on both horses.
4. That the man that I have had convicted of stealing a saddle from me would fall of at the bank.
The list goes on but for non horsey people it would be too boring to read. So either I can see into the future or someone up above makes all my wishes come true?!
Keep smiling 🙂 even when your heart hurts it still means you HAVE a heart, and it’s still beating for YOU!

So it has passed. The great 8th months since accident. It’s basically been and gone. I hardly noticed. We were busy going to Disneyworld with the three kids. It was really a lot of fun and we did all magical things your children still are in the full knowledge of being seriously real. It took a lot of effort. At the middle of day 4 in the park, somewhere between para shooting and going on a movie set to see an earthquake I realized my legs would take me no further. I stopped for a second just to catch my breath. And when I thought I had regained it my legs just would not move. Luckily we were at Disneyworld and we were close to where the let out wheelchairs and buggies. So Dan found himself renting a four wheeler for his wife.
I was taken back to the hotel in a rolling fashion and passed out gracefully on top of my bed.
Something had changed since I’d been in France. All of a sudden I did not taste anything anymore. But everything tastes a little bit metal. I was riding between 4-6 horses every day before I left for France the second time, now even getting close to one makes me tired.
We got back from France on the Thursday night. On the Friday morning I felt dead. On the Friday night I was taken in to hospital again. High fever and sore throat.
I was signed in to hospital again. 4 nights I stayed there, trying to get back to a little bit of normality in my life.
I have basically no sensation on my left side. I have no reflexes on my right side.
We got an appointment with a new neurologist. She booked me in for à DATScan. That’s a radioactive scan for you who wonder. And after seeing my blood samples she decided to take some new blood when I come off my medicines. At the moment one reading from my blood that is supposed to be between: 0-5.0 had a reading of 278.34 on me. It was the highest inflammatory reading the doctor had ever seen.
So now I’m back at home. But it’s a half life as it is. I wake up. Sometimes spend some time with the girls. Then I sometimes go to the stable. But it doesn’t feel like me. I feel imprisoned in this half working body. I can’t even start to think what I should be able to do now. Some people say I’m lucky, that I have come so far. But now I don’t feel so lucky any more. It’s like being shown a future all shiny and brilliant, then turned around in a different direction and its all old, dusty, smelly. I have had a line of loving friends taking me forward and lifting me up. At the moment it just feels impossible. It’s been a long day/week I guess but I have decided not to fight an ongoing forward battle any more. I will try and sit this one out.
I am afraid this is getting a harder blog to write as I know where I should be, but now realizing I’m not even close.

Keep smiling 🙂 even after radioactive scans see the positive in it! You glow in the dark for hours afterwards!

I honestly can’t tell you how annoying my memory has become. It’s scattered to say the least. I’m starting to worry but every time I mention this to anyone they assure me it’s “normal” and this “happens to them all the time”. Frying hell!(good huh? Not swearing really!..) I can’t believe I am spending all my time with useless people that apparently can’t keep information stored.
So since I haven’t been on here for ages I will try and put you into where I am at the moment.
I have been to Sweden twice in a short while to see a line of doctors:
I had already booked in with an Ayurveda doctor in Palma before I went to Sweden so I went and saw him.
My first waste of time management! I went in with an open mind. I like stuff that is ancient, has history and thought behind it. I left with a closed mind. Shut into survival mode. Scared into a freezing solitude and for the first time challenging my mindset of positivity. I nearly felt depressed.
I had been put in to the Pittha- Kapha selection of people. It meant I was a fire/water/earth/water personality. I had too much vatha in my system (air) so to get rid of it I could eat everything EXCEPT:
Everything I normally eat every day. I totally mean it everything I eat was on the bad list! He didn’t give me a good list as he had only blocked “a few” things for me to eat. I was numb. I felt stupid to have gone to him and spent my money and my time. He tried to convince me I had to go to his clinic in Valencia for a minimum of 7days and I had to say no. In the end I felt so robbed. He had not only taken away the little belief I had in my progress but he had also managed to put new worries in my brain. As I left I no longer had a wish to keep going. I could not talk. And for the first time I felt hopeless in my recovery.
The next day Dan had to come with me to see Anette, my Ayurveda masseuse. She had to explain the doctors reasoning on why I had to eat certain things and stay away from some. She then gave me a massage which I off course loved but I think it will be my last one with her. She is lovely, but the doctor put me into such a dark place their connection has ruined it for me. Ayurveda is great if you have a problem that normal medicine can’t cope with, but if you have a too wide personality I think it’s framing you too much. I was for 4 days in a dark place.

I went to Sweden to see an endocrinologist and she tested my blood. That came up inconclusive. She recommended me to see a Swedish neurologist. I flew up especially to see him. That was a waste of my time and money. He had received the email from the endocrinologist but he had not read it. It was like re-telling my story again for the millionth time. He couldn’t add anything. He couldn’t even read the MRI scans I had emailed and also brought on disc. He said that it was a job for a “radiologist specializing in neurology” well why the hell wasn’t I referred to one of those then?

Sorry! I shall not swear!
After second trip to Sweden I was viped. I had no more to give. I went in to a 3 day tired spree. We had friends over from the UK but I wasn’t ready to play at all. Very sorry about that now.
Everybody have their own conclusion to why I feel so tired from time to time.
It’s true. I do probably do more things than any “normal” person. But how do I know? I’m not “normal” not in that way anyway. I am used to get 105 things done every day. I’m used to juggling horses/ kids/ family/ friends/ banking/ insurance/ travel/ horse finding/ cooking/ training/ biking/ exercising etc. it was never hard, just every day mixture.
Now when I get tired living fails me. I cannot speak. Nor think or read. I am not even half of what I used to be. I’m frozen.

What most people say when I’m tired is:”you are doing too much”
Well it’s when I do do a lot I feel more like me.
“You travel too much” well I do travel and when it’s too see doctors that don’t give me aynthing yes it does wear me out! But when I fly like this week to two different weddings in two different countries, with early enough mornings and full enough days of socializing with people that I have to re tell story of fall to, you might think this would wear me out. Funnily it doesn’t! I have been on a journey since early Wednesday morning. And I’m fine. I am still on a trip and won’t return until later tonight. I am traveling by myself so let’s hope I won’t get tired in Paris as I have to clue on what to do in a comatose state… Ah well, it doesn’t feel like it will happen to me!
Before I left home on Wednesday I went for a session with acupuncture needles with Gudrun! She told me my “chi” was low and didn’t provide enough blood to my brain. This I can totally understand. I have felt dizzy since my meeting with the Ayurveda doctor! I’m getting vertigo like what I used to have in January! Now after almost a week on “chi rising” pills I am feeling a bit less vertigo-eske and even though I have missed out on a couple of weeks without training Physio or yoga I feel strong.
Time flies. And now that I think it’s almost only 4 months left until a year since my accident it turned my mind around. Where did it go? And how come I’m still here? Altered, but here.
June, Millie is turning 2
July, my birthday
August, holiday
September, Dan’s birthday
October… It’s were it all started or ended. Depends on how you look at it.
I’m very sorry if this makes you think that I’m low. I’m at a good place right now.
I feel confident, capable, curious. It looks like I will still have this handicap for some more time, but it’s only a handicap if you allow it to become you. If instead you are clever about it and ignore it, it might give up chasing you and go for someone else?!
Keep smiling 🙂 there is love in the world and you are part of it!

7 months since my accident.

Life as a disabled person is kind of strange. I have to ask people for a ride, get uncontrollably tired at strange moments, have bad balance, no feeling on left side, can’t taste food, am never hungry and never feel full.

But in the stable I become my alter me! I ride 6 horses every day! They work amazing for me and I think they are all improving almost on a daily basis!

Balance is not of when I’m on a horse. Almost the opposite. i have an exercise I used to get people to do standing up in stirrups for 10 min at time in canter. I can do that no problem. On 6 horses after one another! I feel stronger, yet more composed.

Very strange. I’m like a person with schitzofrenia. Although I’m very aware of my two beings. I feel a bit cheated sometimes when I’m at the stable. I know going back home is only going to make me tired, so if I want to do anything in a day, not involving horses, I need to crack on and do it before my tiredness finds me!

In 2 weeks I am going to see a new neurology doctor in Sweden. We will see what happens after that. It has been suggested that I might have something wrong with my pituitary gland. But that would have become affected after the accident. So not any answers on why? But maybe some help on tiredness? We can always hope!

I’ve had some emails that say my blog has become a bit “down”. I don’t feel depressed or down at all! It’s just insightful? I’m trying hard to dig inside me to find answers and might end up with more questions… I don’t feel it should bring anyone down, but maybe just stop for a second and cherish what we do have. I am so lucky to be where I am today. It’s a blessing and a gift that my family still has me and I have them!

I will continue my ever long journey, searching for answers that I might never get, but at the same time get new knowledge about new things.

In January when I learned that I could communicate with traumatized animals, I was told by a woman that I could choose my new self. A path not travelled could become the new me. I didn’t really fancy it at the time but I do think its happening now by itself.

I can remember my fits of rage for little unnecessary things before. I can feel how they built up inside me and how I was losing control. I don’t see me going there again. I don’t think I’ll miss that old me. I think all scanner/printers/watches/computers will give a sigh of relief. Technology that won’t work for me will be ignored from here on. It’s not worth getting upset about!

Although my rage has given good stories to tell, from time to time.(or close arrests) for example the time when my hand luggage didn’t fit in the airports “hand luggage control” and I kicked it so hard into the metal structure it got stuck. So I decided to check my hand luggage in with the iron frame still connected on it….. Ah well those were the days!

Tomorrow it’s a show on again. I have 4 horses going. We will see maybe it will all work out!

Keep Smiling 🙂 you never know what today might surprise you with!

Ok so I live my life on a pretty live wire. I always have done, I might be able to change, who knows but the real me is the stopping for nothing kind. And here I am. Now sometimes so tired even just looking at me might make me fall asleep.

I am back from Sweden now. Test results from blood tests are back but have yet to be analyzed. They looked pretty normal though. Excellent in fact. I seam to have better blood values now than a couple of months ago. Even though my carriage is failing on many levels the core remains intact.

So they were looking for things that might have caused the accident. You just never know. Maybe something as simple as low blood sugar could have caused me to fit? Linda told me today that eating cinnamon keeps your blood sugar levels more level. I love cinnamon so that won’t be a problem for me.

Today has been a very long day. Started with riding 6 horses. Followed by some sightseeing and meeting up the very French Malik! Then back home for 1 1/2 hour yoga session. Then straight in to town to collect 2 kids from school. We now have to arrange kids swimming lessons as I can’t drive, she has to go with some other parents now that fear by all fear now Nicnak has left us.

It has been hanging over us like a dark cloud. Slowly but in-evidently drawing closer. Today was that dark day here. She has left. I don’t think the girls have cried yet. They are too excited about all sweets and presents she has left them. I haven’t cried yet. I think that’s because of my minimalistic feeling range meter. That I don’t allow myself to get wound up in feelings that make me upset if there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe people should try on my range meter? It sure would save them from a lot of heart ache.

Oh shouting from next door makes me needing to stop writing now. Upset in the house. They are all traveling to UK tomorrow and leaving me here.

Keep smiling 🙂 frowning gives you a headache!

So I find me in Sweden for the first time in a long time. It’s April and you’d think spring was closing in on Stockholm. Think again! It’s still winter here and it’s freezing. I’m wearing the warmest clothes and socks with uggs and scarf and I’m still cold.

I’m in Sweden for more tests. I get so tired often and a friend of my mum is a professor of blood and hormones. I have something called hypoglycemia. I have low blood sugar levels. Before and after eating. So I have been testing my blood before and after eating a little bit longer than a week and I test before a meal between 52-82 and after a meal 74-102. Blood is strange. It has strange behavior. I tested my mothers blood today. We had the same or similar breakfast and we tested our blood after 1.5hrs breakfast. Mine was 76 and mums was 170.

So not only did I get it confirmed that I was hypoglycemic but I have now also got mum scared of having diabetics… Oh lord. This could go on for a long time.

In Mallorca two more horses have arrived. Chili who is Syster Ysters only foal and Imzy that is the brother of Harry and Chili! Imzy has been ridden since he got of the ferry and he has been awesome but Chili has only been lunged. Primarily because of not trying to tire her after her long international journey and secondly because of Julie’s wondering if Chili was broken when she first got her! She got on her and Chili being so tense started running and being scared. She didn’t communicate very well with Julie and after a few laps she felt it safer to get off. I’m not trying her out before I get some energy back. We will see when I’m back in Mallorca tomorrow!

Keep Smiling 🙂 I know it’s been a week since I wrote this but when you finally remember something small like this it becomes big to me!

So slowly getting better. But with the clocks moving forwards in combination with my tiredness. Fatal combo.

At Friday around horse number 2 or 3 to ride I started feeling very tired. I knew with Easter we had a lot of things planned in and I wanted to be back to my normal self. So I went home and had a lie down. After a 4 hour sleep I woke up. Not much better than before but I was awake for a little while longer.

I then decided I would take it easy for the weekend. Well Easter egg hunting and dinners with friends and family etc. Not really “easy” as the majority of people would have it. But for me a big step towards easy.

Saturday came and went with no big surprises. A family meal in good spirit. I had an early night and eat too much.

Sunday I went out for a small run before breakfast. I say small. It was almost off the scale on the small side, but I blame my companions, Jack and Smilla. Small hounds, liking sofas more than outside morning runs!

I check my blood sugar levels 3 times per day. As I’ve had problem with low blood sugar before, hypoglycemia, this in combination with whatever I have now spikes my tiredness. As it happened over Easter my blood sugar levels were fine! Just enough sugar to keep me levels alright, not sure about how it makes me feel. A 100% tiredness most of the time.

Yesterday we decided to have a family day out as it was Easter Monday. A fun fair had arrived to Palma and we took all 3 little girls to have a fun day.

They were all allowed 3 rides each but Millie being so small could give her older sisters 2 of her rides so me and Millie watched the 2 big girls and dad in a train and a Star Wars contraption. Then the girls jumped in a bungee that made you fly super high. As a finishing treat we were going to go on the big wheel. As the entire family.

We had paid for tickets and were waiting for so long to get onboard. We were all ready to get in as we were first in line. It took ages for the ride to complete. As it stopped Myrna and I jumped into the carriage. Mel, Millie and Dan was following.

I could hear shouting behind me. And as I turned I saw Mel fall. She disappeared between the carriage and the ramp and just fell. The action afterwards was immense. Someone jumped down to get her up. There was blood, a whole lot of it, coming from her head. I was minus valued as always. I carried Millie and held Myrna’s hand, as we made our way to first aid I could feel my spirit floating above me. It was decision time. Would my spirit stay or go? It was saying “this bloody family, this cursed family, there is no way this year will become any easier for us!”

I hadn’t even gone on a single ride and we all filled the first aid area.

Mel was alright in the end. A big bruise on forehead. The cut to the back of her head was small but bleeding so much. I lost my ability to speak as we were making our way home, as my spirit was contemplating leaving us. When we got home all I could do was sit still in a sofa. Staring aimlessly in front of me. I don’t think a single thought went through my mind. Not consciously anyway.

After this day, I was not thankful that we were all still alive and together. I’ve become used to that. I was fed up with life as it was served to us. Given hope is actually worse than given nothing. I have had enough of the half days where I try to make the best out of a so so given start. I function but minus-valid and that is true. Dis-abled or minus-valued are really the same. And with any given extras of pressure I fold. I am not used to this but I have no choice.

You have to have known me for a while to see how far I have fallen. I am not pitying myself. I just have had this realization about myself. This sitting on my bottom and doing nothing is so far away from the person I have been.

No insight to more bravery. No deep thoughts to a fuller life with less. I’m sorry today’s blog is about taking today. There is nothing tomorrow so don’t go in half committed to anything just to save yourself. The pain is near if not constant in your life, it is within touching distance all the time. There is no need being frightened by it. Just allow it to be there, just be aware.

The same way how my spirit was weighing its options staying or going. I think it’s still around. After another big day emotionally I feel a bit drained. I was going to write something fun and eastery today but faith had me change direction.

Keep smiling 🙂 there are so many things out there! Some are out to get us and some just GET us, what we are about and what we want out of life! That’s worth living for!