We are in London for the Global Championship Tours British leg. It’s incredible. They have built up the arena on the Horse Guards Parade. Bang in the middle of London! It’s such a Privilage to be here.
Julie Andrews is jumping our horses and so far 3 starts with 1 first, 1 second and 1 third! Awesome going for the team, it’s nice to be here close to the action. But in the same way it’s a bit of a reminder of how far I’ve got to go.
My mind shifts between one scenario where I will be back jumping and training to quite a high level, the other scenario is quite different. I’m not sure of what scares me more. I don’t want to see myself failing in anything. But at the moment I just see myself constantly struggling. I don’t want to be known as a failure and I’d hate to let people down by not living up to people’s expectations.
Even if people expect nothing from me it’s tough. There is almost no way I remember the things in passing. Geography is awful at the moment. As in place names. Totally gone are my previously awesome skills in finding my way everywhere. I am half of what I used to be. The sad thing is that I now become more and more aware of my failures and faults. Gone is my mindless pleasure of not really knowing what was missing. My mind is now clear enough to realize my faults and shortcomings.
Physically I think I am getting stronger. At least people that I only see once in a while comment on how much better I look! Double vision is still going strong. It’s killing my driving sometimes. But all I have to do is close one eye and then I see normal again.
David Andrews says blogging is not as much fun as snogging. So there you are!

Keep smiling 🙂 as long as you think you ARE!

Getting into August
Mallorca heat. It apparently was hotter than this last year. We try to finish work early. Riding finish before 10.30 am but it’s still over +32 degrees.
Today I was doing a canter exercise with all 4 horses. Leaving my legs feeling a bit like jelly.
Standing up in your stirrups for 64 laps of canter might not sound a lot but in time it’s basically a bit over 1 hour on a moving horse. I will feel it tomorrow.
I was ok this morning but as strangeness comes with this body after the accident I always have to double check everything. I lost my voice 2 days ago. For no reason. No cold, singing, screaming, fever. The same way as I lose my balance 2-4 days before I realize I have an illness, this might be a new way of finding out what’s to come?
The voice is back but I now am super tired. And I have a shortness of breath not seen for 4-7 years. Today after I got home I have been asleep most of the day. Sleeping does not make me any less tired, rather a bit more tired again.
I found an in date inhaler and that’s sorted out breathing! Now I’m in bed so hopefully sleep should sort out my tiredness! And hopefully I will breathe like normal again tomorrow!

Keep smiling 🙂 even if you are tired it can lift you!

We have gathered everyone in the family and paused life for one week and taken our travels to Menorca. Mallorcas smaller further northern sister.
It’s only 2 hours on a ferry and an hour or so in a car when you get to the port. But it feels like traveling back in time. For a week we have lived without any wifi or network connection and only mobile network for a few minutes every day. There are no motorways, no heavy traffic, no musts, no has too’s. We just did our family thing and for one week doing nothing was the most productive I’ve been mentally for a long time.
In the doing nothing I managed to include 3 bike rides, a boat trip and some sightseeing so Menorcans do not have to be appalled by the lazy swede. I have decided to try and come back to Menorca. Hopefully stay for two weeks next time!
Before my vacation I had managed to get caught up in some negative thinking. Comparing the me of today to the me that could have been. Because people mainly concentrate on the positive bits of my recovery they do point out how lucky I am. Yes I know that in ways I have been very lucky but part of me wants to scream like a spoilt brat, that having half a body that doesn’t feel enough or in a way you can relate to does not feel very “lucky”. That whilst following all your friends and competitors results at shows that you should have been jumping at, now maybe you will never be able to compete again, also does not feel so incredibly “lucky”.
On the other hand I clearly can see how this has changed me as a person. Maybe not a nicer one but at least a more compassionate one.
I have more time for everyday things. Maybe because I have more time to spend on thinking, or maybe just because I find it hard to focus on the bigger issues so I spend more time thinking about closer, smaller things.
I had jet another “close encounter” on a horse the week before we went on holiday. It was a small, nothing thing really, a horse just spooking at things that weren’t even there but as I was determined to stay on and work said horse it left me with a smacked chin and a neck stiff as a board and “whiplash” screaming right at me. I finished working the disobedient creature and as I got of I thought “oh oh! That really doesn’t feel good at all”… Luckily I had the acupuncture lady booked in that very evening! She did some needles and then put on some brightly colored tape all over my back. I thought I would be put of action for the whole holiday, she gently asked me not to ride horses for 1 week and in reality it only made me not ride for 2 days as I had holiday booked in. The amazing thing was the day after the incident. I woke up. Not in agony and immobility. No but in normality! Other than my back looking like architectural plans for Stonehenge, I wasn’t in pain. I had almost full movement of my neck. It was incredible! I’ve had so many neck related “whip lash” accidents to my neck. I know when I have something happening to my neck it takes time, normally between 2-3 weeks until I can move my head freely. The pain would normally stay for another 2-3 weeks.
With the athletic chiropractic tapes in combination with acupuncture needles I was was back to normal within 2 days. After 5 days I removed the tape and the needles. Now after a full 10 days I feel completely natural, normal… or at least back to where I was before the latest incident.
I can definitely recommend my acupuncturist! Carolina Morena in Palma.
Now we are on the ferry back towards Mallorca. I have more energy, I feel more focused and I have set myself another goal. I will try and keep the blogging going as it settles my mind and makes me aware of things that somehow should be obvious, but don’t really shows it’s true colors until it’s on print!

Keep smiling 🙂 there is always time to become a better person!

So it’s happened. I have come of age… Of a certain age anyway. I don’t feel middle age yet but I’m sure it will happen in due time.
To get other people in my surroundings kind of forget that I was turning twenty twice I decided in December to host a music festival. As I have lost more or less two years of my life due to forgetting about it and 1 1/2 years due to the accident I don’t feel as old as I should I guess. Some people think I should feel older… In some ways maybe I do, but in spirit never!

It was all set up as a charity event promoting Headway-the brain injury association and raising money for their cause of helping families of people with brain injuries as well as the actual brain injured people. I have spent the last 6 months not only doing my horses and doctors appointments but also searching for the finest Mallorcan acts to play at Bunyolabury. That’s the name I gave the festival. Slightly inspired by Glastonbury. In the end I had sourced 8 acts and we were full on playing music from 3pm until 10.30pm! It was magical. For so many reasons. But the most magical part was how proud I could be of myself. I achieved single-handedly to put together a music festival! Artists, food, generators, porta-loos, T-shirts, festival hats, glow sticks…. The list goes on and on.

It can be done. Even by a person with a major head injury!

Now in the weeks after I am still coming to terms with my achievement! If I can do this, what else can I do?

The new Physio and Accupuncture I now have is also good. The day before the festival I went for a power walk finishing off with a 500m run uphill.

Now the summer can start for real. But I somehow don’t feel like relaxing will be part of summers here in Mallorca. Not as long as horses are involved. Normally you have to get up at 05:30 to get to the yard for 06:30.

Today it’s Sunday so my horses are resting but I am teaching. The horse is on it’s way here. Lesson will start about 10:30… Think I need to invest in a burka or something similar as today is full on sunshine and heat now is already 26degrees.

Keep smiling 🙂 you never know what’s around the next corner but by visualizing it to be something good you are half-way there already!

So because of bad network my post from 2 days ago was not posted until now!
So strange how networks work… Or in this case does not work and put an un-levelness on everything in life.

Here at Magna Racino ca 30km south of Vienna we have beautiful hot weather! It’s 29 degrees today and we are jumping. Well at least Julie Andrews is jumping.

She won today the gold tour here. It’s a 145cm class with 87starts! Ayrton was her winning companion but she also was 3d with Miss Lyckad in the silver tour and 5th with Calantus in bronze! So a great day for team WGE!!!

Being here at a big show has really got me questioning if this is what is like to get back doing. The answer is I don’t really know. I need to come back to where I can train my horses to the correct standard and fitness. I am not sure how to do that where I am at the moment. There are too many uncertainties for me to give an answer now. But what I feel like is like to get back to the fitness and a level where jumping feels fun again.

I have been for hacks around Magna Racino. What an incredible place! Everything imaginable for days of fun is situated here. Racing, trotting, polo, casino, racing cars… You name it. They probably have it here! Everything is of the highest standard and very well looked after. Credit to them! Next year they will change the way they are going to host this show. It will go back to a 3 week tour so maybe me and Ava could go?

Keep smiling 🙂 the weather is always good for someone!

Some days it just boils down to the downright basically of actual balance managing to stay upright or stay on a horse or a bike, now I’ve hopefully come a little bit further. Now I have to try and balance my work and private life. This would have come easier to me before the accidents now I have to make very conscious decisions.

Last week was the first time I got on a bike since 2012. I went uphill for 10km then downhill for 10km! There was a coffee break in between and it was fun! It was strange, but fun! I’m not sure I could go on my own as I’m not sure how I would react if something “happened”. A flat tyre or any other mishaps just don’t seam worth it on my own. Technically I feel stronger on my right side. I don’t want to let go of the right hand. It’s also very hard to work standing up. I don’t have that problem on the horses so not really sure if with more practice this will become easier?

I am now on my way to Austria watching my horses jumping at Magna Racino. It’s the first time for me. It looks incredible, and at the moment Vienna has 4 degrees warmer climate than Palma! Let’s hope horses will be ok as they are more used to rain and English winter weather!

I have continued my piano lessons! I am not sure I talked about it here, but I thought a couple of months ago that my left hand needed to practice her fine mobility. I have never played the piano. At least never long enough to learn notes! Now I can quite easily read “normal” notes, don’t get ahead of yourselves. There will be no Chopin played by me soon. The left ring finger has to learn to curl and take directions as a single finger and not a pair or a group… Long way to go, but an enjoyable one so far!

Keep smiling 🙂 sometimes you will find yourself surrounded by babies that don’t belong to you on a 3 hrs long flight and they are just bubbly and gorgeous!

Some days it just boils down to the downright basically of actual balance managing to stay upright or stay on a horse or a bike, now I’ve hopefully come a little bit further. Now I have to try and balance my work and private life. This would have come easier to me before the accidents now I have to make very conscious decisions.

Last week was the first time I got on a bike since 2012. I went uphill for 10km then downhill for 10km! There was a coffee break in between and it was fun! It was strange, but fun! I’m not sure I could go on my own as I’m not sure how I would react if something “happened”. A flat tyre or any other mishaps just don’t seam worth it on my own. Technically I feel stronger on my right side. I don’t want to let go of the right hand. It’s also very hard to work standing up. I don’t have that problem on the horses so not really sure if with more practice this will become easier?

I am now on my way to Austria watching my horses jumping at Magna Racino. It’s the first time for me. It looks incredible, and at the moment Vienna has 4 degrees warmer climate than Palma! Let’s hope horses will be ok as they are more used to rain and English winter weather!

I have continued my piano lessons! I am not sure I talked about it here, but I thought a couple of months ago that my left hand needed to practice her fine mobility. I have never played the piano. At least never long enough to learn notes! Now I can quite easily read “normal” notes, don’t get ahead of yourselves. There will be no Chopin played by me soon. The left ring finger has to learn to curl and take directions as a single finger and not a pair or a group… Long way to go, but an enjoyable one so far!

Keep smiling 🙂 sometimes you will find yourself surrounded by babies that don’t belong to you on a 3 hrs long flight and they are just bubbly and gorgeous!

So even as day to day life keeps rushing by at speeds unimaginable to the me 3 or 4 months ago.

Now I instead just embrace being me. Being here. Being mobile and awake.

I tend to forget what I have been through. Maybe it makes it easier on a day to day basis. Not to constantly worry about what has happened. But it does make me vulnerable I guess. I just keep going and doing.

We’ve had Ava delivered. She is our new horse from Germany. I hope she will be a good team member as I want to get back to some sort of normality.

It’s hard as not only do I have to remember that I don’t have the endurance or strength, the balance or straightness. I also have to remember that horses feel much more my limitations.

My biggest worry now is that I seam to have lost my ability to write. Maybe because too much want to come out and there isn’t enough time or space.

I’m going to leave this half hearted attempt to write about being me.

I am planning a music festival as a fundraiser for Headway. More about that next time!

Keep smiling 🙂 you look good! 😉

I am so sorry for the delay but I have had some tech related problems that hopefully (fingers crossed) I have now managed to solve??!!!

The time flies by! Literally! It only feels like yesterday since I came back from Africa but it has almost been a month!

Hopefully now my wordpress settings will allow me to post my blog like it used to in the “good-ole-days” before I changed my faithful iPhone 4 to the Poncy iPhone 5. In hindsight the world we were living in was better with the 4. The days were easier to put words to… At least wordpress blog words!

I will post this in the sole use to see if my technical ability has survived certain TBI issues…

If it works I will post something more meaningful in a little while!

So here goes…

Sorry for this delay! I should put a reminder for me to remember to fill this space. I hope your lives have stayed full even though my pages have been a bit empty lately.

I find myself on the beach. Not on just any beach but at Thonga beach! In the region of Kwazulu Natal in South Africa.

We are here thanks to my mother Eva. She had a special birthday and for all of us to forget about that she sent us down here. We are here kids and all. We started off “safaraing” for 5 days and now we are exploring the coastline.

Health wise this is where I am today.

After coming back from Europe to see my horses jumping I kept going at that tempo at home. Not good. I have to learn sometime… I started going form one place to the next and ignoring little signs that my body was sending me. As I was too busy getting things done, my daughters birthday party and horses before I was leaving for Africa, I couldn’t slow down. And then I got vertigo. Every time I walked, stood up, lied down, turned over my whole world was spinning uncontrollable. I lost my balance and fell over for very small every day things such as going to the loo or getting out of bed.

I’m not a fan of falling over. The spinning I don’t mind so much, I just try to enjoy my own private roller coaster, but falling over is always a bit tricky. No matter how focused I am on the task of falling it never works out the way you planned it to. And with a left side still protesting on my every exercise it nearly always ends up damaging me more.

I went to see a doctor the day I started falling over and she checked all my vitals and she came to the conclusion that the vertigo was probably due to an inner ear infection but to rule out any other nasty neurological stuff she referred me to see a new neurologist. That neurologist seems a popular woman and I’m booked in to see her when I come back from Africa. I saw my other doctor once more before going to Africa just to make sure I would be ok to fly, I got the ok!

We flew 4 planes. 2 international and 2 domestic to get here. As well as spending times in bus transfers that all get lost on the strange roads in Kwazulu Natal. But here it’s magical. The sad thing is that not until now I’ve realized that I have real restrictions in my life. Ok the head spinning is not making things easy but I have chosen to soldier on regardless. I think delving to far down in to feeling sorry for myself doesn’t ever bring me satisfaction or solves any problems for me. But I got the realization yesterday. Just as we had arrived at this slice of paradise. I can’t do so many of the “natural” things I would like to do when I am on a vacation.

Exploring things by foot is kind of hard to do. Running or exercising also not really an option. I cannot kayak, scuba dive or do anything that would put me in danger of falling over or tripping. So relaxing on a sun lounger is what is on my capable plan. That’s possibly why people take vacations in the first place but as people who know me knows how far away this is from the core me, it was a lot to take in and accept.

Today is a new day. The sun is still shining. The Indian Ocean keeps rolling in to the 20km deserted beach we have been designated.

I am getting a bit better and less dizzy day by day. Let’s hope by the time I return it will all be a thing in the past.

Keep smiling 🙂 crying sometimes is the necessary evil to allow your blocked thought process to complete