To be or not to be…

Shakesparian dilemma. Which at 3am in an August morning of 2015 shouldn’t really matter. But it does. It’s become harder and harder the chemo. Yesterday I was like a shiver of my former self. Not only was I totally whacked, I also couldn’t recognize who I was or why. It goes in waves, I’m sure. The sad thing is that this wave is a lonely one. 

Bless Jack, he has really stepped up this last week. He even makes sure that he comes up and sees me mid morning break down time. It’s funny how family dynamics shift, even in such a definite change as the death of Smilla. Before I have not once seen Jack during any of my chemo ridden nightmare mornings, yet this cycle he listens out for me and makes his way up as soon as I’m awake. He also won’t really leave my side ever, even for smaller more fun duties, he stays put.

I’m now sure why they don’t do more than 8 cycles of this hard core chemo. I really don’t think it would be survivable. I have pretty high hopes and beliefs that I’m a kind of… let’s not say “hardcore” but say “tough cookie”. This last chemo session has left me in a void. It could be the combination of the chemo, the hot weather, the lack of outside interaction. There is a definitive lack of friends or family in August here in Mallorca. That in combination with this hot weather really makes for lonely looney ville.

As Jack has made it up to the sofa now he assures me I will never be alone. I’ve got to stay thankful. I’m still alive and fighting. I’m just wondering why me? 

Keep smiling 🙂 when a four legged friend is rooting for you, the world stays at your feet.

7 thoughts on “To be or not to be…

  1. Emily! Even if you’r friends & family aren’t around , don’t EVER 54get we think of you all the time.friends are friends….real ones are anyway.I often think of ghat really long in depth chat we had years ago at tan Almanack celebration, I felt that was when we bonded.We discussed some personal family / life things. We’re all rooting for you honey.stay in there ,you’ve worked do hard on this. Xxxxxx

  2. Emelie, don’t forget what I said on Chemo 8 Eve at lunch in Islington last Monday, “You look beautiful Emelie”. ALL FRIENDS AND RELATIVES PLEASE NOTE, she really does look beautiful. Now wigless, Emelie’s hair has grown and she looks very cool – in truth, I didn’t look at those toes!
    Emelie keep strong and we will see you v soon, in the meantime, cover all mirrors and slog it out on the sofa.Dix

  3. Angel Em, underbara du! Massa kÀrlek, energi och tankar till dig. TÀnker pÄ dig varje dag och hejar pÄ dig. Puss!

  4. You are such an inspiration and once this is over you will be able to kick this inspiring behaviour into touch and be badly behaved and thoroughly hedonistic. Keep that in mind Emelie and I hope it helps you through this x

  5. Du Ă€r nĂ„got vĂ€ldigt speciellt. Och det försvinner inte sĂ„ dĂ€r i ett nafs heller… Utan du blir, genom dina vĂ€lplacerade ord, nĂ„got vi alla vill vara nĂ€ra och lyssna mycket pĂ„, om och om igen. GĂ€rna tillsammans med djuren.
    Oerhörda kramar!

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