One step forward 315 back…

My journey of this chemo hell has taken another twist. 

My last post told you guys I had managed to man up on day 4 after chemo and gone for walks. Sadly this zapped all my energy on the following 2 days so I spent day 5 and 6 on the sofa or in bed. Even just walking upstairs or to the gate at the bottom of our garden raised my heart rate to levels of extreme exercise. On day 5 I even had problems speaking so being around me made no sense.

On day 7 my mind and speech had come back even though my body was still very zonked. I managed to go for a short walk again without the raised heart beat. I had some lovely visits and I could feel the world making sense again. It would just take a little time longer, I was already warned this might happen, just flow with it, let it take its time, tomorrow is a better day.

Waking up on day 8 which is today I believed that I had passed this new fore front of nasty tiredness. I was almost humming to myself as I cleared out our casita for our guests arriving on Friday. Dan got quite cross with me as I have the tendency of doing rather that pausing and thinking. I saw what needed to get done and sorted it as I’m still a believer in the “now” concept. Either do it now or it won’t get done.

It felt great! I felt great! Dan and I had said we were going to try yoga today and I was really up for it! We got to the yoga studio and I was wearing one of my headgear rather than the wig hair. It was a “normal” vinyasa class and I told the teacher before we started that I was in middle of treatment and him not to worry if I ended up in “child’s pose” most of the class. He said not to worry. Even as we warmed up for the class a classical cold feet and cold hands should have warned me of what was building up.

I managed to stay with the group for 20min or so. I only started using “child’s pose” when some quite complicated stretches had tried to tie me into a human knot. After 30min my whole body started to shut down. I was shaking and my heart rate was way up high. The teacher was following a “flow” style comparing natures natural flow in to form in to his class. The meaning I suppose was to realign now with the future in a seamless spectra. Because of the natural “flow” there were no built in pauses and as I am a woman of now I pretty much followed his guidance. The end was aligning itself with me. I broke down mid class. In my fancy headgear. I couldn’t even bend my legs to get into child’s pose. I instead did a full on “lie-straight-on-your-back-and-close-your-eyes-whilst-crying-silently” pose. Tears were flowing down my face and made a small puddle on my yoga mat. Dan came over to me and he managed to get me up and out of the yoga studio mid class. 

It broke me. I know it’s just “early days” and “I will feel better soon”, bollocks to all that. I am a broken soul now. I never cry. And as I write this I am on my sofa tears running down my face. Somehow this broke me.

I’m not sure of why. I’ve been here before. I’ve had worse things happening to me, the coma, the broken limbs, the one year that I have completely forgotten about, none of that has come close to this. Now I feel broken. And as I should feel better tomorrow it makes no sense to feel so bad. I can feel my positivity almost leaving my body. I don’t really even know how to finish this blog. What is there to smile about? You have to though. You have to look forward, beyond tomorrow, far away up ahead. The “goalist” in me will have to take a new aim. 2017! Or 2020! Great years to come!!! I will try yoga again tomorrow but with a routine and a teacher I know! I will get better, there is no other way.

Keep smiling 🙂 how else can you show off your dentists good work?!!!!

7 thoughts on “One step forward 315 back…

  1. Hi Emilie

    I am so sorry to read your post, I had no idea. cancer is a bitch but if anyone can beat it you can. Stay positive stay strong. Love and best wishes to you and you family.
    Best
    Chris

  2. Emelie, if its any consolation every time I go to yoga and get stuck in the “human knot” position it makes me quite emotional too. On Tuesday Sara had to come and undo me!
    Your strange and somewhat unfathomable love for Watford FC says to me that you are very strong, capable of staring down defeat, staying positive and believing that promotion will happen.
    I’m not sure how many sessions you have left but these days will soon be behind you and you’ll be back in the Premier League! Stay strong, it won’t be long.

  3. Att INTE bryta ihop en endaste gång under en sån här pärs är konstigare än att göra det. Jag är grymt imponerad av allt du fixar att göra! Många kramar till dig <3

  4. Dear Emelie,
    Derek and I read your bloggs and want to say how much we admire your great sense of humour and your determination to overcome what life is throwing at you. We send love to you and all your family. Keep smiling.
    Love from us both.
    Derek and Judy

  5. emelie I am so sorry to read this, I only just heard…. You are the strongest woman I know, an inspiration, always bouncing back always fighting. I wish I could physically give you the strength as you have given enough over the years, keep putting one foot infront of the other, ‘C’ has met its match you are far stronger and bigger than it ever will be! Love from the family to all of you x

  6. Emalie. I’m sad reading your blog, it’s hurting me and I’m in tears as I read this why you, why, why, why it’s never fair,
    . What can I say, I’m speechless. My thoughts are with you and your family. Xxx

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