Countdown has begun

The week has started. That is the week of the operation. Hopefully the one and only “real official” operation.

It’s on Saturday, so 5 more sleeps. That’s how we count in my family.

We’ve had an action packed holiday in England involving a 5 day break at Center Parcs and a weekend of fun in London with the kids. It’s been really good and thankfully energy levels have been ok. Other than at London Zoo we ended up renting a wheel chair, I’ve been able to participate even in tree climbing and areal adventures!

My energy levels as well as the TBI affected area (mostly left hand side) has become gradually worse during chemo, but quite dramatically worse after this last chemo. I was yesterday thinking back to when I had the left hand side as bad as this. In my head I got back to 2012, but I realized then I couldn’t really walk unsupervised, so I now think it was March/April 2013. It so happens that was the month I started back riding. 

I don’t know if this is something that only happens for me. But I think probably not. But the recovery whilst in presence or in my case on top of my equine partners is phenomenal. If I think back on the chemo. After every session, when I’ve come back riding. 

The earliest was 8 days after chemo. I’ve started back on one horse first day. Already by the second day energy levels were up and I could go back to riding 2-3 horses. By the third or fourth day I could feel my left hand side being back to my new “normal”.

I think it’s the combination of activity, doing something I know and love, but the third thing I think it’s the energy of the animals. The vibrations shall we say. When I am around the horses or on top of them, I feel better so quickly. Especially on top I can almost sense it. You have to stay quiet, and calm, two things I’m naturally not very good at, but then it’s possible. 

The closeness makes the air almost vibrate a little. It’s so gentle and tactile. It’s only tangible in reality by the results it gives me, but in the 2 chemos I have not ridden or actively been around horses but yet stayed active, the outcome has been so different. 

I really don’t know if it’s the horses, or the lateness of the chemo. The so call build up of poisons that gradually kills my spirit as well as the cancer. But after cycle 6 and 8 I’ve been a lot worse than after the other cycles. I can only compare to cycle 7 really, as its a “late” chemo, but where I almost got back to my “normal” self whilst/after riding.

My poor children. The older ones that can remember how I was before the first accident, the little one can probably only remember me as a cripple, more or less. I don’t mean to offend. But she has grown up with a mother that goes to hospital more or less every month. Have lengthy stays away from home. And have a seriously relaxed attitude towards medical terms/treatments and language. 

This became obvious when she found the “stress breasts” in uncle Tony’s flat where we are staying in London. The three girls laughed about Millie wearing the stress balls as actual breasts which looked hilarious on a four year old. They then started on removing the right breast, with the nipple, only to returning it back to front, nipple-less.

  
I think it’s probably all very natural for them as its part of their daily lives. But still I long for everything to go back to a sense of normality. 

Keep Smiling 🙂 wonders and miricals are just around the corner.

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