4am new “up-n-hav-em'” time

Good morning to you all! Well I’ll skip by all pleasantries. Just morning to all. This has become my new favorite up time. The sad thing is, I can cope with a 2 or a 3 am wake up as I can somehow get back to sleep. With the 4 am it’s complicated. I’m fully awake. Not even a little drowsy. And my alert system is at go-go-go as any little noise coming from inside or outside the house becomes a terror threat coming to destroy me. I’m not normally ever a worried person so I have no idea where this newfound “protector-of-family-very-early-in-the-morning” comes from.

I’m not sure but it could be the chemo in combination with a little bit of brain damage? Well, it’s the most awake I have been since the last chemo so I’m not complaining! Shame that my family will miss it! It’s a shame they will miss the Amazonian vigil anti protecting them from the sofa, whilst zipping mint water. All in good spirit, mind, energy, compared to the half broken angry fatty that claims said sofa for the rest of the day. She is no fun to be around. 

And I am sorry. I don’t want to complain online to all of you and pretend that makes it alright to be as angry and tired as I am. It’s unbearable to be locked inside this failing structure of a being. An artist friend compared my normal being to nuclear power in Mallorca. It has lit my recovery to try and find back to that powerful being. Sadly with a 4am price tag it’s only for me to enjoy her…

I’ve done some research into the cancer I have. You know because of “knowing your enemy”. So the sad thing is mine isn’t even a type. Here are the 4 groups:

Group 1 (luminal A). This group includes tumors that are ER positive and PR positive, but negative for HER2. Luminal A breast cancers are likely to benefit from hormone therapy and may also benefit from chemotherapy.

I’m not a group 1….

Group 2 (luminal B). This type includes tumors that are ER positive, PR negative and HER2 positive. Luminal B breast cancers are likely to benefit from chemotherapy and may benefit from hormone therapy and treatment targeted to HER2.

I’m not a group 2…

Group 3 (HER2 positive). This type includes tumors that are ER negative and PR negative, but HER2 positive. HER2 breast cancers are likely to benefit from chemotherapy and treatment targeted to HER2.

I’m not a group 3…

Group 4 (basal-like). This type, which is also called triple-negative breast cancer, includes tumors that are ER negative, PR negative and HER2 negative. Basal-like breast cancers are likely to benefit from chemotherapy.

I’m the opposite of group 4, triple-positive. But my kind has no grouping. I am now on a mission trying to find out why I’m not typed, or rather why Brenda, Brittany and Nina are not a type, this will I’m sure take another couple of research hours. I’ve googled it. And so far empty handed… I have now also emailed the crew in London to find out if they have any answers for me.

Summer arrived to Mallorca in May. With that Mosquitos. They don’t naturally like me, I must taste funny, but now they have started considering me for a meal, the chemo must have masked something unpalatable for mozzies. I am surrounded by nicer tasting (mozzies word not mine) beings so I don’t get that much eaten… The funny thing is, they are noisy beings, well at this time in the morning they are clearly sleeping, as I’m the only food that is up and not a mozzie sound anywhere.

I’ve broken one rule just writing this as its on a digital outlet, now I’m finished I am considering breaking another one as I still am not tired and I’m downstairs and the protecter in me refuses to turn on any lights for reading a book. I might watch some early morning news…. Or I’ll start downloading a new sound book… Oh the choices of life, so many!

Keep smiling 🙂 soon nuclear power will return and all be well with world! 

3 thoughts on “4am new “up-n-hav-em'” time

  1. Hey Em well ii’m awake too …. No C just stress of builders starting working on my house today !!!! Thinking.. Have I designed it right ..is my dressing room too small !!!! Have you seen Sam (Scott) she , I believe has started her stables & ménage now at home . I believe mark ( Weston lawns ) is helping her ?? Where are you now in the world ? The guys that are doing my house, worked on your house in leek Wootton ( small world)
    Life is so wrong sometimes , I’m feeling your pain watching & experiencing a close friend go through the same at 36 with two young children . She turned vegan. Drank every weird. & wonderful conconjuction of vegetable & mineral , still drank vodka with loads of fresh lime though !!!!you have to do little at a time , it’s a long road …. Pace yourself , you will be amazed what you will achieve !!! Especially you !!! Big hugs Hun .. Xx

  2. I think of you virtually every day Emilie.You are an amazing writer & I always enjoy reading u’r posts.thank God for modern technology , this way we can all keep in touch.I know how hard all of this is but at least you know ee are all totally behind you & that we can be in touch constantly.keep strong girl. Xx much love to you & Dan.

  3. Emelie…. your blog is amazing. So candid and honest and inspiring. As you friend Gwen says, I too think about you on many occasions. Halfway through… keep going! You can get through this ‘process’ . Lots of love xx

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