I’ve now had the 2d chemo 1 week ago. There is 1 week until Myrnas 8th birthday.
A lot of numbers. Trying to keep it up, constantly failing. It doesn’t matter if it’s a place I have put a key or something important. A bill that’s got to get paid. A meeting with someone. They all go. Disappear into distance as my tired vacuum of amnesia straps his cold fingers around my brain, slowly squeezing out any previous knowledge.
I am truly frightened. This shouldn’t be happening. I should get tired, yes and apparently more so with every chemo I have, but Alzheimer? I honestly don’t know what to think.
I came back to Mallorca on Wednesday, I managed to drive a car then and Thursday-Friday I went out for walks. Saturday (day 4 after chemo) I was in bed for the whole day. Sunday I managed 2 walks and also did a lot of sleeping. My lovely extra mini-me sister is here now, Jenny. She is riding and jumping my horses. Yesterday was the first day we managed to get up to the stable and she rode all 3. After the 2 hours in the stable I was done for. Totally whacked. It was like somebody had turned all my energy taps on and bled me dry.
I would like to tell you all that I become a lovely person when I’m tired/forgetful… Nothing could be further from the truth. I become a nasty/wengeful/angry/aggressive with absolutely no fuse. I am pure dynamite. In every bad unforseeable way. I just erupt like some vulcano, falling apart simultaneously. As little energy as I have I can hardly hop upstairs but boy can I lay into my family if they step out of line one millimeter.
There is no point in being regretful. I am sorry for losing it with them, but simultaneously I feel too tired to sort it out. I’m sure I feel it more than anyone else in my family, but i’st still not easy.
Today I feel a little bit better again. It’s only such small improvements that I in any other time would ignore them. If this gradual decline chemo by chemo promises goes at this rate I will be ready to put in a casket by august.
I’ve been told today that I always paint the worst possible case scenario. I can’t believe anyone would ever say that. I normally fish even the tiniest positive out of this sea of black tar ahead. I wasn’t allowed to bring everyone down by telling my dark unsettled self, bearing my darkness. I don’t often do. It’s only sometimes I let go and feel weighted, almost drowning, surely there must be a way out. Something to look forward to?
In 2015 I don’t think there are that many light points. I feel so sorry for my children. They will remember my illness as a part of me. It couldn’t be further from who I naturally am. I am forever goal driven. And to put a goal driven person through this anti-goal challenge it’s like killing them. Proposefully, slicing me open, one piece after the other. Dignity- gone, pride- gone, sanity- gone.
The horses jumped alright today. And hopefully by the end of the week I can ride again. Next week it is Myrnas birthday and if it follows the almost pattern of last time I had enough energy to be almost me. The only problem is that following that week comes chemo nr 3….
Behind enemy lines. Inside my own skin.
Keep smiling 🙂 it can’t hurt! If the Altzheimer is for real it won’t really matter soon anyway.